Monday, December 30, 2013

2013: A Year of Ups, Downs, and NSVs

I feel like I was just celebrating the start to 2013, and I am here saying goodbye to it already.  I tend to think that how you spend your New Year's Eve night is how your year will go, so be sure to spend it wisely!

I decided to go through my blog to see what I have done this year, the good, the bad, and the ugly all included.  I started just as a reminder to myself, but you all can join the journey.  And for those of you who are new readers, this will be a good catch-up for you!


 My last weigh in of 2012 was 284.2.

January:  I began 2013 with 4 friends, their 'significant' others, and Robocop- the guy I started dating shortly before the new year.  It was a great night, mostly, but there was some turbulence along the way.  My baby cousin ended up being my first 2013 kiss (on the cheek) since her husband and Robocop disappeared to go make trouble.

February:  Nothing too significant happened during February.  I got my tattoo on the back of my neck in memory of a friend who passed away.  I have never admitted this to anyone, but I really did that because Robocop told me it was a stupid idea and not to do it.  I'm a little bit rebellious sometimes.   My weight held steady for most of February.

March:  March was an eventful month!  I did what I consider to be the most independent thing I've done in my entire life...more so than moving away for college or buying my home.  I traveled to Europe alone.  This trip had lots of NSVs, but my favorites were buckling an airplane seatbelt for the first time in at least 7 years, and climbing the Eiffel tower!!  I still find it hard to believe I climbed it, as terrified of heights as I am, but I did it!!

April:  April came and my weight began to drop again when I joined the C25K running group.  I also met Mr. Banker on April 23.

May:  In May, I celebrated my 25th birthday with friends, dancing, and alcohol.  It was probably my best birthday so far.

June:  In June, I ran (and walked) my first 5k.  I hated every second of it.

July:  I went to Burn Bootcamp for one class and I am not joking that it absolutely kicked my fucking ass.  I should really try to start that again.  July was also the month that I learned it was time to buy new panties when they fell off at Walmart (for actually the 2nd time).  Probably the funniest NSV I've experienced.

August:  I spent most of August with my band MUCH too tight.  I could hardly drink water, and somehow I didn't even lose weight!  I know, all of us banders know that a red-zone band actually does not help, which I personally think is counter-intuitive.  I changed companies for a pay and title increase. 

September:  I don't really know what to write about September.  It was a good month with Mr. Banker, but there was some personal turbulence with remnants of an ex popping up in my life again.

October:  The negativity from previous mentioned events in September found their way into October.  I reached a breaking point and decided I needed to make an appointment for therapy and visit my PCP for anti-depressants.  I'm so glad I didn't wait to do that!

November:  I started feeling better and the scale started moving in the downward direction again!  Finally! The only other thing noteworthy was the night I decided to "practice" the L word and was caught off guard when Mr. Banker was, in fact, actually awake.

December:  This month has had it's own set of quirks, so I think I am glad for a new beginning.  It seems that I have only lost about 40 pounds this year, but slow and steady wins the race I suppose.

Before I end my last post of 2013, I want to wish you all a happy and safe New Year's Eve.  I will see you all in 2014 to continue my life's journey with Lap Band and looking forward to reaching my goal weight in 2014!

Yep, I said it, that's my plan for 2014-- REACH MY GOAL WEIGHT BEFORE MY 2 YEAR BANDIVERSARY.  I'm not calling it a resolution, it's a goal, and I will get there!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

End of the Year Updates

I have so many things to tell you all, weight loss related and otherwise, that I don't even know where to start.  I apologize in advance if this blog seems scatter-brained because it will just be all over the place.

First, my last post, I apologize if I worried anyone.  I was really not at all okay, but am doing better.  I prayed and have come to a conclusion about things, and am at peace with my decision.

Christmas was nice... I was in a funk of course, so it was hard, but it was a nice day with my family.  I got a lot of really nice gifts, the food was good, and I absolutely did not over eat.  I did PB though, after eating a sugar free brownie that got stuck. I forgot how painful and violent a stuck episode can be.

And guess what?  I came home from my parents' house to see 241.2 on the scale!!!  That's my lowest adult weight!!!  That means I lost weight over Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year.  I'm effing awesome, ha.  Lots of people have mentioned my weight loss lately too, and that feels GREAT.

I took this full length selfie Friday because I realized it had been a while.
Those are size 14 jeans, but I could technically fit the 12s.
I really wore a 24/26 18 months ago?

I went shopping several times during my break.  Friday I went into Charlotte Russe, a store I have NEVER purchased anything from.  My little cousin convinced me to try on this gorgeous dress, size L.  I told her it would never fit in a million years.  But it did.  And I LOVED it.  I wish I'd bought it, but I am strapped for money right now and couldn't justify it.  Yesterday I went dress shopping again.  Although I can't afford a new dress, I desperately want a new New Years Eve outfit.  I will not buy one though.  Anyway, point of the story is, I went into Forever 21.  Why do I still pick up dtresses in size 3X?!  And I seriously think they're going to fit...  Needless to say, they were much too big, and I had to send the attendant out to get me every dress I had picked in a size XL instead.  I bet she was annoyed with me.

Mr. Banker and I did our Christmas Friday night.  We still need to go out to celebrate his 30th birthday, but we will do that soon.  His gifts to me were cute- 2 of them were kind of jokes.  Things that anyone else would see me open and be like "what?!" but he and I know why he got them for me.  I like things like that... I've always said the little things make me happiest.

So Mr. Banker and I have come to a fork in the road.  Either we are going to be in a relationship, or we're going to be completely done.  He says he isn't going to lose me, so I asked him to take some time and REALLY think about this.  I'm hoping that soon I will have good news for you all on that front, but only time will tell.  Friday night he said something that sounded like he feels that we've been in a relationship even if it didn't have a title.  No kidding, when did you come to that realization Mr. Banker?

Last night I went to watch UFC with someone from my past.  This person is really a negative force in my life and about once a year I decide to torture myself by seeing him.  I once thought I loved him and now I can't figure out why or how I could have.  He is so condescending and demeaning.  Anyway, I hadn't seen him since surgery, but he knows I had it.  We stopped talking about a year ago when he told me it was insulting to him that I "paid for my weight loss and he has to work for his".  Just to give you an idea of what kind of person he is.  Anyway, I actually had a good time.  I was there with him and his friend and he didn't say anything insulting, although he did not compliment me on the fact that I've lost about 105 pounds since he last saw me either.  But then when he left he didn't have the nicest things to say via text.  Why do I keep seeking his approval when I know I will NEVER get it?!

And....because I don't want to end on a negative note, I'm going to share some throwback pictures I found at my parents house on Christmas eve.  I had the BEST time going through old photos!

Christmas 1989 with my sisters

Christmas approx 1993 with my sisters
Mr. Banker says I look exactly the same now when I don't have makeup on.

Best guess is 1992, apparently I was annoyed with having my photo taken

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas blogger friends & family

Today, for Christmas, I am asking for wisdom to make the right decision, and strength to follow through with it.  Monday I experienced a 'make it or break it' moment in my life, and I honestly don't know what to do.  I know what I WANT the outcome to be, but I don't know if it's possible, or right.  If what I WANT will only cause further hurt later on.  I hope I come to the right conclusion, even if it may not be what I want.  Sorry to be a little Debbie Downer, but I'm struggling and I have no one to talk to.  I can't let my parents know I'm not okay, so I am walking around with a smile on my face and aching inside. 

The show must go on.

Last Thursday when I had my fill, my PA was surprised that I wanted a tighter fill.  She said most of her patients want to be loosened right before Christmas.  My response was "Christmas isn't about food, it is about love and family".  I hope that I can embrace the love and family part today, regardless of whatever else I'm going through.

Monday, December 23, 2013

I love to Over Eat :(

My fill on Thursday was quite good.  My PA gave me 1.2CC, which is a real big girl fill.  On the fluoroscopy machine there was slight 'reflux' but I asked her to leave it like that because I wanted an aggressive fill.  She agreed as long as I promised to come back Friday if I had a PB episode.  I agreed, but no PBing here.  I can tell my band is tight, but at a good level.

So my band is good, but I'm not.

I ate to the point of feeling miserable TWICE yesterday, and this morning my weight was up.  Both times it was because my food was just too good to stop.  Damn it.

First was the kid's meal from Boston Market:  turkey, spinach, and mashed sweet potatoes.  Granted, it could've been worse, it WAS a small portion and I could've made worse food choices.  Never the less, I ate far beyond the point of 'satisfaction'.

Then, in the evening, I made Luka's Chicken Tortilla soup.  OMG...Delicious!  So delicious.  To the point that I ate a whole bowl and could not lay on my stomach at bed time because it hurt. 

Damn it Hollee...when will I learn?! 

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Weekend Shenanigans

Warning:  This post will be full of lovey dovey life happenings and likely have next to nothing to do with weight loss or my band....

Oh goodness.... You know it was a good night when at the time the bathroom floor seems like the most comfortable place to sleep.  That was me, last night.

I threw together a little get together since my baby cousin is in town from New York.  It was last minute and I knew it would be a smaller than usual crowd because quite a few friends were traveling for the holidays, but I wanted to do something.  I invited Mr. Banker, and casually let him know there would be family in attendance and he said he'd come.  I was kind of surprised but since he didn't make it a big deal, I didn't either.

My good friend from high school and her boyfriend were the first to arrive, right on time.  Mr. Banker arrived next with 3 wrapped Christmas presents that he placed under my tree and one that was unwrapped because he wanted me to have it then...a UNC snowman ornament for my upstairs Christmas tree that he and I decorated together a few weeks ago.  It was very sweet.

Another friend and her new boy also came and two cousins.  There were 8 of us total, which is a small group, but it was a great time.  There was lots of wine and beer, laughing, and we played the game Taboo.  Mr. Banker and I ruled at that game... a friend even made a comment on how well we interact with each other and finish each other's sentences.

I had absolutely WAYYYYYYYYY too much wine.  To the point that when all my friends left and Mr. Banker and I went to bed, it felt as though the room was spinning and I was going to get sick.  I got up to sit in my bathroom in front of the toilet but couldn't get sick.  Now that I think of it, aside from PB'ing, I have not thrown up since surgery.  I can only imagine how violent that would feel to come through the band.  Anyway, sorry for that visual.  When Mr. Banker came to check on me I got back in bed, but shortly felt sick again so I again retreated to the bathroom.  Where I decided I would just lay on the floor until the sickness came, but it never did and I passed out on the bathroom floor haha.  

Sweet Mr. Banker again came to check on me and bring me back to bed.  This is particularly nice because he was also quite drunk but instead of also passing out, he worried about me enough to keep checking on me.  I love when he stays the night.  He always holds me the whole night.  I could never get enough of that.


Friday, December 20, 2013

2nd round of #FF (Flashback Friday)

Welcome to another edition of Flashback Friday #fff
July 23, 2011

Sometimes it is really hard for me to get my eyes and my brain to talk to each other.  

When I look into the mirror, I see that girl pictured above.
Then I scroll down this page and see that photo I took in the mirror earlier this week, and I'm like "Holy shit Hollee, you lost 100 pounds.  Why can't you see it?"

I honestly don't know the answer to that.  I wish I did.

I struggle with this every day.  I take tons of pictures because I NEED to so that I can see the difference losing 100 pounds has made.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

TTT and requesting your Advice (#10)

1.  Good morning everyone!  Life is great... I have felt so happy and cheerful lately!  I don't know if life is just great or if it's the holidays or the antidepressant, but I hope this feeling continues.  I can't remember the last time I had such a positive and clear outlook on things.

2. It's fill day...again.  I weighed myself this morning and the scale hasn't budged since my fill 2 weeks ago....still steady at 247.  I think my PA will be slightly disappointed, but I can't say I am.  The holidays are a really difficult time to try to lose weight, but I'm going to keep trying.

3. I haven't written anything about it but for about 2 months I've been trying to help Mr. Banker get a new job.  I started by re-imaging his resume, and then we applied to 4 banks online together.  I told him not to get his hopes up because in my experience, out of 100 jobs, I might get 5 interviews.  But, he has gotten responses/interviews from every job!  He has his last interview today, and should hear something soon.  I know good things are about to happen for him, and I'm so proud of him for taking steps to better himself.

4.  Since my baby cousin surprised our family with a visit on Monday, I've  decided to have a little gathering at my house tomorrow night.  It will be small, just a couple of friends and family, and Mr. Banker.  I'm excited that he hasn't acted nervous/weird about meeting some members of my family.

5.  Yesterday my company announced that they are going to start using the system I used to use at my old job to build studies.  I'm WAYYY too happy about this.  I loved building studies in this system, so I'm going to have a talk with my manager about it soon.  They are planning to start the certification process in the new year, but I'm already certified so hopefully this will give me some leverage.

6.  I'm kind of annoyed with a friend.  I'm stuck on whether or not to say anything to her.  Mr. Banker says I should, but I have nearly decided there is no point.  We have been friends for 7 years, and I have been an extremely good friend to her.  The ONLY argument we have ever had in 7 years was this past July, and it was over the same thing, so I feel like if she cared she would have fixed the issue.  I don't see a point in harping on the same thing again.

7.  Totally random to mention on my blog, but I guess that's what TTT is good for:  I never believed in Santa.  Sorry Mom if you're reading this, but I never really did.  I wish I had.

8.  I love glasses.  I mean, I hate that I am blind as a bat, but glasses are a fun accessory to me.  I wear them about 50% of the time.  I have 5 pairs that I alternate between, and my mom had extra FSA money to blow, so she bought me a new pair yesterday.  I can't wait to wear them!

9.  Another thing I love...pretty panties.  The weight loss thing kind of sucks because I refuse to buy expensive under garments knowing they will not fit shortly.  But I miss my sexy undies.  Even if no one can see them, when I am wearing something hot under my clothes, I feel a million times more confident!

10.  Speaking of confidence...I have been thinking about my weight loss, or lack there of, lately.  I think I've gotten complacent.  I think I am happy with my body.  Happy enough that if I stayed this weight for the rest of my life, I could live with that.  I know I shouldn't be happy with that...  I've lost 100, but I could easily lose 80 more pounds, but my goal was never to be that small anyway.  I know I'm still plus size.  I know 247 is still a lot as far as numbers go.  But then I look at myself in the mirror and I'm freaking happy with what I see.  Is that bad?  I don't know... I know it's good to love yourself, but maybe I'm loving myself too much and it's keeping me from getting to goal?  Any thoughts on how to be happy with where you are and still want to go further?  Yea, reaching my goal of 199 would feel awesome... I know I'd probably cry if I saw a 1 on my scale.  But it just doesn't feel like a priority anymore.  Help and advice on this is much appreciated.
Unfortunately, I no longer have my "Before" photos taken in a black bikini, but I promise you there is a world of difference between me now, and me then.  I know this may look like a "before" picture to a lot of you...but I am happy with where I am.   

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

On Cloud 9

I can't imagine being happier than I am right now.  I know it's possible, but I can't imagine it at this moment.

As if I haven't already been over the freaking moon because of how good things have been with Mr. Banker, I got the best surprise last night!!!!

Yesterday I went to meet a friend at the mall.  Honestly I was tired but went anyway.  When I got there, instead of the friend I was supposed to meet, I was met with an awesome surprise.  My baby cousin who now lives in NY is visiting and the stinker kept it a secret from everyone.  I swear it made my whole week the moment I saw her.  I haven't seen her since June and we were actually in a little fight when she left NC, so it was completely unexpected.  I'm so excited she is here this week and that I'm going to get to spend some time with her!! 

Just wanted to gush over how happy I am.  If you all could just see how lit up I am right now with the biggest smile on my face!

Monday, December 16, 2013

Christmas...Go away!

I have always loved Christmas.  I'm the kind of girl who for as long as I can remember, started dreaming of Santa Claus and Sugar Plum Fairies in September each year.  I love the music, the decorations, the joy I feel, seeing family, and of course the food.  I used to dedicate a whole day to baking the week before Christmas.

Chocolate covered peanut butter balls.

No bake chocolate oatmeal cookies.

Coffee cakes.

Pumpkin bread.  Strawberry bread.

Pecan sandies.

Peanut butter cookies.

Every kind of pie you can think of.

But last year I decided to break this tradition.  I did make a few things, and gave them as gifts to Robocop, my dad, and a couple of friends, but I didn't go all out.  This year I have pretty much decided I wont do it at all.  Mr. Banker isn't a fan of sweets and now that my mom has diabetes I feel guilty bringing anything like that home to them. 

BUT... here's my problem.  I'm trying really hard to give up coffee, but it's a Monday morning and I NEEDED it.  So at 9am, I finally gave in to my inner caffeine fiend and went to the break room to get my cup of Joe.  On the table was the most beautiful spread of chocolate chip cookies I've ever seen.  So yeah, it's not even 10am and I've had a cookie.  Good going Hollee.  The same problem occurred Friday.  Chocolate peppermint bark and an assortment of cookies were awaiting my arrival Friday morning, and I started early.  The good news is, my scale is holding steady.  The bad news is, my scale is holding steady haha.  I am trying to lose, not maintain!  Although all the shit I'm eating I feel like I should be gaining.

I guess my Lap Band is my saving grace, because I can only imagine the amounts of crap I would've devoured by now without it.  I just need to make it through the next 2 weeks and the junk-food season will be over.  2014 can't get here soon enough!

P.S. I know this meme is horrible, but it made me giggle out loud at work.  Sorry!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

No More Lap-Band

Now, before you all freak out, no, I haven't had surgery in the last 3 days since I wrote and gotten my band removed.  Nor am I currently considering it.

But seriously, the last 2 months, I feel like there is no longer a band in my body.  Now, before you all suggest I've slipped or that I need a fill, I've been seeing my WLS PA every other week since October.  My band looks perfect under fluoroscopy and I've been getting adjusted regularly and staying as tight as my PA will allow.

But here I am, able to eat much more that I feel I should.  And it's not even a matter of "I can but I shouldn't because I'm not really hungry".  If I eat the portion I think I should eat (about 1.5 cups), I'm still sitting there starved.  And I'm eating almost strictly protein for the first cup of food.

Where has my lap band gone??

I'm glad I haven't PB'd in months, but it would also be nice if I didn't feel like I could eat a horse.  I am able to eat bread now, which I never could do before.  I still do not eat it, only twice have I had a bread-like substance since surgery, but both times have been recently.  I am losing weight again, so I feel like I shouldn't complain, but I would really love to feel satisfied after eating the right portion of food.  I've been struggling a lot with hunger lately.  When I go back next Thursday, I will ask my PA to give me the most aggressive fill possible.  I would rather have to see her the next day for an unfill than to keep dealing with this hunger.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

2...maybe 3... NSVs in ONE week!

 Happy Weekend Everyone!
I haven't had an NSV post in a while.  I'm not sure if it's because the weight loss has slowed (damn near stopped), or if I've stopped paying attention to life because I've been so busy looking at the scale, but this week I had TWO NSVs occur to me and I wanted to share!
1.  I bought this dress last year on Christmas Eve at Ross for $9.  It's a regular size L backless lace dress.
I've waited quite some time to wear it, because I don't want to be "that girl" in the club that has rolls hanging out everywhere.  Feeling comfortable in my clothes is essential to having a good time for me.  So last night I put this on, and it finally fit in a way that I felt like I could strut my stuff in public without feeling self-conscious. 
I can't wear a normal or even strapless bra with this since it is almost backless all the way down to my butt.  Now, my boobs are pretty perky even after losing weight (so far), and everyone told me I could get away without wearing a bra and no one would notice, but I just didn't feel comfortable.  So I bought these tape (bandaid-like) bra cups at Walmart for $4 and they were perfect.  My boobs didn't even jiggle when I danced haha.  Could this be a second NSV in-and-of itself?  Maybe, but I'll wrap it up into one awesome NSV because I felt sexy!  Now, when I posted a photo of this dress on facebook, my mother said she hoped they discounted it for lack of material, and I'd be getting a lecture today when I saw her, so that must mean it was TOO sexy...perfect ;).
2.  The other NSV was earlier this week...  I have noticed as I've lost weight I no longer feel the need to layer a shirt over a camisole to hide fat rolls.  I NEVER went out of the house without a cami pre-surgery.  It was a staple of my every day wardrobe.  Now, I do like camis still, but they are no longer necessary for the reason they were before.
However, I do need to be more careful.  Thursday I wore a pink bra under a cream/grey/pink striped sweater and it wasn't until I got on the elevator to go home and saw myself in the reflection of the elevator doors that I realized it was blaringly obvious that I wasn't wearing a camisole, and I could see the detail of my pink and black lace trimmed bra clearly.  Well Crap.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Happy Thursday... Here's 10 Things :)

1.  I have every excuse in the book about why I haven't been exercising.  My favorite is "it's too cold".  They're all BULL SHIT.

2.  It's fill day, again.  Yes, I am seeing her every 2 weeks right now.  And it's working, so I'm going to keep doing that until either I get to goal or my band is as tight as it will go!

3.  I really dislike afternoon fill appointments.  It makes that 24-hours of liquid dieting seem so much longer.  It's easier when I get a fill in the morning so that by the next morning I can wake up and have yogurt.

4.  I'm really happy lately.  I like this trend.

5.  Mr. Banker seems happier too.  I still wish he'd get in to see a therapist, to help him figure some things out, but at least he's on an upward trend.  And he really loves the gifts... last night he guessed one of them, because he's figured out that many of the gifts have some kind of significance to us, and things we have done together.

6.  Speaking of therapist, yesterday was my last free therapy session through my EAP.  I do like my therapist, so in January I might start paying to see her sporadically.  It helps to have someone I can talk to on a completely honest level.  And receive her feedback in a completely open minded way.

7.  People have been telling me how good I look or that I look like I have lost weight A LOT lately.  It feels nice to hear that again.  My favorite though, is when Mr. Banker puts his arms around me and tells me I feel smaller (he has done this twice now in the last two weeks).

8.  Last night, UNC basketball beat #1 ranked team Michigan State!  HEELS!  It has been a rough basketball season so far, we haven't played well, so this was a huge victory.  Mr. Banker and I watched the first half together before he went home, then I went to bed assuming we would lose and missed the win.  Oh well.

9. It is going to be a busy weekend.  2 friends birthday celebrations, and Saturday I have to go to my parents for a little while to take care of their 8 dogs while they are out of town.  They do this cute thing every year where they take a day trip to the mountains (2 hour drive) to cut down their Christmas tree together.  It's just freaking adorable haha.

10.  This gigantic box of chocolate was in my work break room today.  I needed to take a picture because this thing was bigger than my mid section!  I had a piece or 4.  Oops.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


For those of you who have been following me for a while, you already know that I switched jobs in August, and at the beginning, I was struggling with that decision quite a bit.  I stopped talking about it and decided it was time to just decide to be happy.  After all, I believe happiness is 50% choice.

Unfortunately, although I've decided to be happy, I think I am still mourning my old job.  My old mentor.  My old work family.  My old learning opportunities.  Everything.

The people at this new company are nice.  They make being here bearable.  But I miss LEARNING.  I love to learn.  I love to feel like I'm growing personally.  And I just am not getting that in my current opportunity.

Today, I needed to get out of the office and went to the mall.  I ran into two old coworkers, and seeing them just made me feel "home".  My old company was my family, it wasn't just a place to work.  Seeing them, these two people that I wasn't even particularly close to, made me realize how much I have been mourning my old job.  I know writing this out isn't going to change anything, but I just needed a way to express it.  Thanks for listening.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Post-Thanksgiving Weigh-In + Wonderful Day

Wednesday's Weight: 247.2
Today's Weight: 247.0

How the hell did I NOT gain?!  
On Thanksgiving, I did great during the meal.  But it's the leftovers that killed me!
I may have had 2 pieces of Red Velvet Cheesecake for dinner at 8pm Thursday night.

Oops.  Slap my wrist now.  Bad Bander.

Oh well, it's a new day. And what a wonderful day it was.

I woke up early this morning, too early.  I was excited that I'd be seeing Mr. Banker today, so I couldn't sleep in like I would have liked to. Mr. Banker had to work this morning, but came over right after work.  While home for Thanksgiving, I had my dad cut down some mistletoe for me and I carefully placed it above my front door.  Mr. Banker and I walked through the door together several times today, so I got plenty of extra smooches.

I had made lunch, you know what they say...the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  I made my grandmother's chicken pie, green beans, and home made mashed potatoes.  I wasn't certain my band would tolerate the buttermilk biscuit type crust on top of the pie, but it did and I am quite happy about that.  Yes, I do know I SHOULDN'T eat it, but all in moderation and it will be okay.

After our lunch, we went down the street to a Christmas tree farm (which was in someone's front yard?!?! how strange!!) to pick the tree for my upstairs.  As we began decorating it, Mr. Banker turned on Christmas music and I swear I could not stop smiling.  He kept asking why I had such a silly grin, and I said I just love Christmas that much.  But the truth is, in 5 years of putting up a Christmas tree, no guy I've ever dated has helped me decorate it.  It was so nice having the help, and the fact that he was ENJOYING helping made it that much better.  He even skipped watching football to many guys do you know that would do that?!

 Here's our finished product :)

We finished decorating and watched a little more football before he went home.  AND since tomorrow is December 1, I finally got to reveal his birthday surprise.

Some of you already know my secret, but for those of you who don't:  Since Mr. Banker's birthday is Christmas, and this is a particularly big birthday (30), I decided to do a small gift every day from December 1-24.  On December 25, there will be a bigger gift.  Mr. Banker loved my idea, and I think for a moment, I saw what he would've been like as a seven year old boy because he really was excited.  I sent him home with Days 1-7, and I hope he will play by the rules and not go crazy opening them all at once.  I thought for sure he'd just open them all, but he called after he left my house to thank me again for the gifts, and said he will do it as I asked because he can tell it means a lot to me.  And he's right...I put a lot of thought and effort into this, so that he would have something special every day.

Today was perfect.
I honestly feel more like myself when I am around him than I have ever felt before with a man.

 Since I've promised Mr. Banker that I wont put his photo on my blog, this is the only other picture from yesterday that I can share.
Wrangler is so patient with me...letting me dress him up on game days.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Pre-Thanksgiving weigh in Wednesday

Well....this might be a really bad idea, but I've decided that a pre-Thanksgiving weigh in might help to keep me accountable over the holiday.

While at my parents' house, I will not have a scale though, which scares the crap out of me!
So, I'll weigh in over the weekend when I return and let you all know how it goes.

Also, this is not my lowest weight since surgery, I'm about 5 pounds away from that.  HOWEVER, this is definitely the lowest number I've seen in 2 months, so I'm happy. 3 or 4 weeks ago I literally saw 260.2 one morning and thought I was going to die.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Do your best to chew slowly, enjoy what you eat, but don't over eat! :)

Sunday, November 24, 2013

I spilled the beans... more specifically the L word bean...

Hope you all have had a great weekend!  Mine has been awesome :)  Lots of doing nothing with a couple of short runs thrown in, which is exactly what I needed.

Friday morning, I had a text conversation that really touched my heart.  Mr. Banker apologized for how he has treated me during this time that he's been depressed and said that I'm the last person who deserves to receive the bad end of it.  That meant a lot to me, not only was he apologizing, but also acknowledging that I really do a lot for him.  It didn't stop there though, he made sure to call me on his lunch break and say it again, so that I could hear him say it.  I love that.  I have always loved how well he communicates.  Yes, sometimes he shuts down and doesn't say anything.  But when he does speak, I trust what he's saying.  He never apologizes just to pacify me, so from him, I know an apology is genuine.

So after work Friday night, he came over to stay the night.  We drank wine and watched a movie.  Being around him makes me feel so happy and safe.  When we went to bed at midnight, the wine had me falling asleep pretty quickly, but I woke around 2:30am with lovey thoughts swirling around my head.  At this point, it was not the wine and I was fighting the words for almost an hour.  I thought Mr. Banker was asleep, and I wanted to hear those three words out loud, so I just said it.  His back was to me and it felt so good to get the words out.  But, unexpectedly, he was wide awake and we had a brief conversation about it and went back to sleep.  He could've pretended to be asleep so that he didn't have to acknowledge I said it, but he didn't.  He told me he really cares about me and held me for the rest of the night.  I slept like a baby.

In the morning, I feared I'd made a mistake, that he might distance himself or be weird about it, but he wasn't.  As usual, we texted throughout the day while he was at work and he called me after work, and we seem normal.

I'm still terrified of my feelings.

The last time I loved someone ended over two years ago and it tore my life apart when I found out it was ALL a lie.  I'm so scared of falling in love with a sham again.  I'm scared that Mr. Banker will never love me back-- although I do feel that he cares for me deeply, so I hope this isn't the case.  I get scared that with his depression, he will decide to move back to Rhode Island.  I am afraid I can't make him as happy as he makes me.

Scared or not though, the words are now out there.  He knows how I feel.  And he isn't running away.  I guess for now, all I can do is take that as a good sign that things might continue to grow between us and trust that things will work out however they are supposed to-either way.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Ten things Thursday

1. I got another fill this morning: 8.3 CC in my 10 CC band.  I was disappointed she only had me losing 3 pounds since I saw her 2 weeks ago, my scale said MUCH more, but I'll get over it.  It's a loss, hooray.

2.  Insurance sucks right now.  I don't want any political talk, but seriously, I'm so frustrated right now and don't know what to do!  My work insurance went up about $50 a month.  That isn't going to break me or anything...the problem is that the benefits associated with it went WAY DOWN.  The deductible doubled, cost to see a specialist doubled, maximum out of pocket doubled.  So yeah, I'm looking elsewhere for insurance.  I believe I found the plan I'm going to go with, just a little nervous about doing something different.

3.  I feel so inadequate at times.

4.  I have therapy today.  This should be great fun (sarcasm here) because I have some negative feelings right now about #3.

5.  I had really horrific dreams last night after drinking a whole bottle of wine and going to bed mad/frustrated.  The worst of the dreams was a dream about my mom.  I dreamed that I found out she had cancer and only had a few weeks to live.  I woke up crying so hard that I could not breathe, I think that is what woke me actually.

6.  I started trying to put up my downstairs Christmas tree last night.  I have a fake tree downstairs and a live one upstairs.  The fake tree I have belonged to my mom before she went back to a live tree, and is at least 10 years old.  So, yesterday, when I started putting it up, I found that 2 of the 9 branch sets do not light up any longer.  So frustrating!  I will spend this evening replacing bulbs on those branches in hopes that I can salvage this tree.  They're too expensive to replace!!

7.  I don't think I'm going to do the Christmas/Birthday surprise I was planning for Mr. Banker.  Last weekend a friend said to me "Hollee, you've got to stop being a wife to a man who doesn't even want you to be his girlfriend".  She was absolutely right, so I'm trying to take a step back, regardless of how fucking hard that is.

8.  I'm so happy it's finally basketball season!  I love UNC basketball.  Seriously, there's not much that makes me happier than seeing my team win.  This year we aren't looking good, but I am, win or lose, a Tarheel :)

9.  I'm not at all a fan of Thanksgiving.  I don't know why, I have just never liked it. But I'm so ready for the break from work that is accompanied with the holiday.

10. OMG I get frustrated so easily sometimes.  Microsoft word is the bane of my existence today...

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Mood + Weight Loss Update

Hey everyone!

Tomorrow is 2 weeks since I started the anti-depressant Effexor XR.  A lot has been going on, but some of the things, I just haven't wanted to talk about.  Am I feeling better?  Hell yes.  Have I lost weight?  Yep!  Am I where I want to be?  No, on both the 'feeling better' and 'weight loss' fronts.

So, yes, the Effexor has helped my mood, but I'm on such a low dose, I think I could be doing better on a higher one.  Unfortunately, my PCP asked me to wait until the first week of December to increase my dose.  Trust me, I'll be calling her office for that prescription ASAP.

A part of my lingering funk is that Mr. Banker is still a little down, and it rubs off on me.  I care about his well-being in a way that I haven't cared for someone in so long.  I love him.  I don't understand how love can be absolutely freaking amazing and still suck at the same time.  It's this decision to give someone your heart and know they could tear it apart, but trusting they wont.  I'm not sure if he knows that I feel that way, and I refuse to say it unless we're officially 'in a relationship', so I don't think I'll be letting those words leave my lips anytime soon.

As far as weight loss... the day I saw my WLS PA last (November 7), my scales said 260.2.  Yikes.  My lowest since surgery was 242.something.  I got a fill and was doing pretty well at 7.8CC in my band, until the scale started to go down again.  By Sunday, my scale said 249.8.  Yes, that is a 10.4 pound loss in 10 days.  When my band is right, I promise you, I'm rocking it!  But with such a drastic loss, my band is loose again.  So, tomorrow I'll be back to visit Erica at the fill clinic again.  She must get so sick of seeing me.  I'm anxious to see what her scale says, because our scales are different, and her scale usually has me weighing a bit less than my own. So I guess I'll be checking in with you all about that tomorrow.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

NSV Skinny Jeans

Hi Guys!

It's been a while since I've had an NSV post.

Yesterday I went shopping and bought these size 14 skinny jeans at Lane Bryant.  Yes, I do still shop there from time to time.  Now, the NSV part of this is that at 344, I never wore skinny jeans, because they just never fit right.  So here's to my first pair of skinny jeans, to go with my brand new UNC booties :)

What's even better is that this $59.99 pair of jeans rang up for $6.49.  Why?  The salesgirl could not figure it out.  I was going to buy as many more pairs as I could find in size 14, but the other 14's did not ring up at that price, so I just got this pair.

My weight loss is going better.  Once I hit that "lowest weight since surgery" number I will start my weekly weigh-ins again.  I'm getting close.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Up and Down ;)

By that I mean my mood is UP and the scale is DOWN!!!

YES!  Can I get a high five? lol

I'm feeling good.  I don't know if the circumstances are just suddenly better or if the tiny dose of Effexor I'm on has taken effect, but I feel very good the last couple of days.  I haven't felt this good in a couple of months.  I am not 100% adjusted to the antidepressant, but I have started taking it at 4pm, so the worst of my side effects happen during my sleeping hours so it's bearable.  I've worken up at 4:30am nauseas, and so tired the last few days, but it is gone by the time I start work.

Things seem so much better with Mr. Banker.  Maybe things were never actually as bad as I perceived them.  Either way, I missed this feeling--the ease of it and the happiness I feel just hearing his voice. Tonight he said "I love your body" as a response to a picture I sent him.  I needed that validation that he is physically attracted to me.  It made me feel wanted and I really needed that from him right now.  In the same conversation, he said something else significant.  We were talking about being able to share your deepest secrets with someone, and he said "I don't think there's anything I wouldn't tell you".  I said "really?" in such a way that he knew I was genuinely surprised, so I explained my surprise.  His response was that he could think of 1-2 things that he isn't ready to share with me, but reassured me he'll get there at some point.  That's significant to me... that he feels comfortable telling me almost anything, and that he wants to be able to tell me the few things he isn't ready to share yet at some future time.  It made me smile to hear him say that.

I came up with what I want to do for him for his birthday.  It's totally cheesey, but I think/hope he will like it.  I can't write what it is that I'm doing, because I don't want to ruin the surprise for him if he's reading.  Yes, last week I told him I didn't mind if he reads (but who knows if he is or will).  I have nothing to hide.  My concerns were how he would react to :

A) My feelings for him

B) My weight

But if either of those are a deal breaker for him, it wasn't going to work out anyway.

And maybe reading my feelings will help.  I really suck at expressing my feelings TO the person I feel them for.  It is strange, because in general I think I'm very articulate and easy going, but when it comes to expressing my emotions to the person they apply to, I just shut down.  I know it is fear of rejection, but I don't know how to change it.  I think it would be better if I could get past it.  I'm much better at actions.  I feel like his Christmas/Birthday gift is a small thoughtful way of saying "Hey dude, I care", but sometimes words are just necessary.  I'm just no good with them.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Looking Up

I'm not sure if it's possible that my antidepressant could be having an effect already (day 4), or if it was just a good day, but I'm feeling very positive today.

Woke up and my scale looked to be going in the right direction.  I didn't take my antidepressant right away because I was going my friend's son's first birthday party and didn't want to feel horrible for it.  I waited until 5:30pm to take it so I really got to enjoy the day without nausea or feeling extremely tired.

The party was really good and I felt pretty for the first time in a LONG while.  I'm thankful to finally have had a good day.  It's the first completely positive day I've had in longer than I can remember.

Just me before the party.

I didn't want to post photos of the party (with the baby) without my friend's permission, so you'll just have to deal with my vain selfie.

Thank you to all of you for continuing to read and support me through this dark spot.
I know the negativity can get old.
I promise you all I'm trying really hard to get to a better place and bring you my usual positive self and good weight loss news!  :)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

The truth about Antidepressants

Ever heard "It will get worse before it gets better"??

Well, that's exactly what it feels like to take antidepressants.

When I took antidepressants for a 3-month period in 2011, the beginning was horrific.  My PCP accidentally prescribed a very high dose (150 mg) instead of the starting dose (37.5 mg).  She told me she was putting me on the starting dose so I pushed forward and made it through those two weeks of hell to the other side and never checked the bottle to make sure I had the right dose.  I can only describe what I felt like was a living zombie.  I went to work and could do nothing but stare at the screen, in the moments I could keep my eyes open.  I slept A LOT for two weeks.  But then I came out on the other side so much better.  I joke that it was the quick, difficult way, to find the effective dosage for me.

So Thursday when I got prescribed 37.5 mg of Effexor XR, I was sure to check the dose on the bottle.  It was, in fact, the right dose.  So I thought it would be easy breezy to start compared to that high dose.


I was wrong.

I feel pretty damn bad.  But I believe I need them enough that I'm going to push through this rough time until my body adjusts. 

Friday I woke up nauseous, never threw up, but I wanted to just to get rid of the feeling.  I went to work but had a hard time focusing, and eventually fell asleep on my desk.  At that point I decided it was just time to go home at 3:30!  I only work til 4 most days anyway because I go in early.  Got home and had a nap for a few hours before going out for Sara's birthday.  And wanted to be in my bed again by midnight, but luckily I survived until I crawled into bed at 3am.  I hope it doesn't take the full two weeks to adjust to this lower dosage.

I do see a light at the end of this dark tunnel at least.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Ghrelin vs. Hunger

 I had a really good appointment with my WLS PA this morning.  I know I just saw her 2 weeks ago, but I am going crazy with hunger and haven't lost a pound.  In fact, this morning I weighed 255.2 on the official scale.  WRONG DIRECTION HOLLEE!!!

My PA- Erica- sat me down and explained that after extreme weight loss, the body can start to produce an excess amount of Ghrelin.

I suspect many of you know what Ghrelin is... I was introduced to the word in my pre-op nutrition class, but in case you dont:  Ghrelin is a hunger hormone.  Your body produces it to tell you that you're hungry.

So I've lost all this weight, and basically my body is freaking the fuck out.  My fat cells are like "Oh my gosh, where did that 90+ pounds go?!  We need it back!" The good news is that Erica says this typically doesn't last more than 3-6 months.  Erica tightened my band again- I now have 7.8CC so please cross your fingers this is going to be the adjustment I need!  This was a pretty huge fill.  Erica mentioned that my band has definitely loosened up since I saw her two weeks ago, so even if I'm not seeing the number decrease on the scale, I have obviously lost fat around the band to cause it to get looser.

I love Erica.  She is so good to me.  She again told me that I am doing an amazing job at this, and that because I'm a good band patient, she will continue to see me every two weeks to get me through this difficult time.  She said that if I was not following the lap band rules and trying to come in so often, she would not allow me to continue having appointments frequently, but she knows I'm doing my best.  She really reassured me that I am going to get past this rough spot.

One more doctor appointment this afternoon with my PCP to hopefully get anti-depressants.

I swear I go to the doctor more than any 25 year old ever should!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013


Today I had my first therapy session.

I have been to therapy once before, but it was very different. I was there for grief and depression related to my ex, so I knew exactly what to talk about to get to what I needed to work on. This time, with general depression, I had no clue where to start. 

So we talked about a wide range of things. Some things I hadn't thought of in probably ten years. Without summarizing the whole visit, the therapist did make mention that I only smiled three times- talking about my dog, my sisters, and Mr. Banker.

It was a pretty good session. So I have three more weeks of free therapy to try to work through the dark fog in my mind. And, with the therapist's full support, I am going to my general practitioner tomorrow for anti-depressants. I took them once before and they made all the difference. FYI, for those of you on anti-depressants, Effexor XR is known to promote weight loss. Many others cause weight gain.

My only problem is that I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of taking pills with this band. I had to take an antibiotic in January that made me so horribly ill. So every time I swallow a pill I expect that awful feeling. Fingers crossed....

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Thankful for Friends

Completely not Weight Loss related in any way, but...

I have mentioned it before, but I really do have some very good friends.  I don't see all of them all the time, or even talk to some of them on a frequent basis, but every now and again, they will pop up and remind me that they care.    Over the last 24 hours I had three friends pop up with random acts of kindness, and I really needed that right now.

Thank you Sara, Rebecca, and Keli.

This week is my friend Sara's birthday.  I try to wish my friends a 'happy birthday week' at the beginning of each birthday week.  I do this because I want them to know I'm thinking of know that I am not doing it because my phone calendar or facebook reminded me, but because I remembered them.  So I wished Sara Happy Birthday Week and later in the evening she wrote a public post on facebook to thank me for thinking of her.  This was a simple thing to do, but it reminded me that people are sometimes appreciative of the little things I do.  I try to be giving and it gets discouraging at times when I feel that my kindness has been taken for granted.  It was a needed reminder that people do take notice of what I try to do to be a good friend.

I have talked about Rebecca before.  She owns the Fan Feet company with her partner, and often includes me in exclusive UNC Carolina Club member events.  It really means a lot to me that she always invites me to these events that not everyone has access to.  Today was the UNC Basketball kickoff breakfast.  Although I'm straight, from time to time I get girl crushes.  A long time crush (since I was in high school) is Ivory Latta, a star UNC basketball player who went on to play for the WNBA.  I got to meet her this morning at the breakfast and honestly, that was way more exciting to me than hearing Coach Roy Williams speak.

Then today, I had lunch with my friend Keli.  I was planning to buy Keli lunch because her grandfather passed away last week, but she beat me to it.  It was unexpected and much appreciated.  She really is such a good friend, to listen to me talk about all the things that have been going on with me, and really care, when I know that she has been dealing with a lot of sadness herself.

It really is the small gestures that make the biggest difference. 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Tricks, NOT treats, from an Adult Bully

Has everyone see THIS STORY about the woman in North Dakota who has decided she's only giving candy to the kids she deems a 'healthy weight' and the 'obese' kids will get letters regarding their problem?

I can't cover everything wrong with this in the 5 minutes I have on my break at work, but this PISSED ME OFF!

First, who gives this woman the right to decide who 'deserves' candy and who doesn't?  I'm pretty sure she wont have her BMI calculator handy either.

Isn't candy equally unhealthy for the kids who are 'acceptable' weights?

Do you really think your letter is going to make the kids feel any better?

I'm pretty sure if I was that obese kid that got a "You're fat" letter, I would just go home and eat the candy I got from the rest of my neighbors, to smother my hurt feelings.

Lady, you're ridiculous.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Baby Steps

They say the first step to getting better is admitting there is a problem.

So I'm admitting there's a problem.

Things aren't good in my head right now.  I can't really talk about it on here what is wrong, because I can't really put my finger on it.  I know it has a lot to do with my ex, Mr. Banker, my negative body image, and lack of support from friends lately.

Today I looked up the number to my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will provide 4-5 free counseling sessions.

It's a good start.

On the weight loss front, I was on 90% liquid protein yesterday, and only brought protein shakes and a Greek yogurt to work today, so I'm trying to make changes in my diet as well.

Monday, October 28, 2013


I'm feeling discouraged.

About everything really.  But definitely about my weight loss.

I've bounced between 245-255 up and down for 3 months.  Yes, I know I've still lost 90+ pounds, but I still have so far to go.  I don't feel like I'm making bad food choices.  I know I haven't exercised as much as I should, but I started running again last week.  And still, I saw an EVEN HIGHER number this morning.  I was not at all happy with it.

I even spent several hours researching corrective bariatric surgery on Saturday.  I don't know what to do.

I think I'm going to go strict liquid protein diet for a few weeks and see how that goes to give me a "restart".  My fills just don't seem to give me the same "restriction" anymore.  I eat the amount of food I am supposed to eat, and I just don't feel "full" anymore.  I have to eat much more to not feel hunger, and that is discouraging.

My band hasn't slipped.  I've been religiously getting my fills.  I eat protein first.  I follow the basic rules.  WTF.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Tricked Ya!

 Sorry bloggers, but please forgive me, I lied to you all.
Thursday I said A didn't have birthday plans, but we had a "surprise" birthday dinner for her last night.
Unfortunately I am the worst liar on the planet, and A wasn't the least bit surprised.

E, Me, A, K, and OP 

We went to a nice little Italian restaurant - Brio.
This is the children's portion of Chicken Parmigana:
Let me tell you all again how much I LOVE using my WLS card to order from the children's menu.
That was supposed to be gluten free pasta, but I'm not convinced it was.  I had a few small bites of the pasta and wasn't feeling that great so I stuck to the chicken.  I ate two of those chicken tenders and was STUFFED!

I'm getting concerned about my level of restriction.  I have 6.3 CC in my band.  I just really want to feel the restriction that I did in the beginning, but I don't.

On Thursday, my PA Erica told me that after about a year some patients just stop feeling restriction.  That concerns me.  I want to get to goal so bad.  It's true that I still don't eat ANYWHERE near the potions I did pre surgery, but I'm legitimately scared that my band has "stopped working". 

Today will be run #4 in the last 8 days, so if the scale doesn't start moving in the downward direction soon, I don't know what I'll do.  I've never wanted anything more in my life than to get to my goal weight.  I can't stop now.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Flashback Fat Friday

That should be a thing.... #flashbackfatfriday  ...someone start it lol...

So, it can be easy to forget how far you've come.  I'm good at it.  I'm good at focusing on the 50 pounds I have left to lose and forgetting the 100 I've worked so hard to get off.  So today I took a trip down memory lane.

And I realized I really am smaller than I have been in over 10 years.  Want some proof?

September 2007
College Best friends Jamison and Garrett

December 2007
With Best friend

 March 2008
Holding the Hollywood Sign

September 2009
The night I thought OP was going to die of alocohol poisoning

July 2010
Bridesmaid at Lo's wedding

September 2011
Foreign exchange sisters <3

April 2012


I'm going to spend the rest of the day celebrating the success and progress I've had so far, and kick this extra 50 pound's ass tomorrow.

As requested, ^^ photo taken 25October2013 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

1.  Happy Birthday week to one of my dearest friends, A :)

She is kind of boycotting her birthday this year, which sucks, but since we're not doing anything, I wanted to give her a special shout on my blog, and hope she reads!

Happy Birthday A <3

2.  Why does Denny's always look so effing good on my drive from the Weight Loss Surgery clinic?  I swear, I pass a Denny's several other times a week, and never want it.  But it always looks SOOOO damn good after I've just gotten an adjustment and am not supposed to eat solid food for 24 hours.

3.  I saw my PA this morning and she reluctantly gave me a +0.5 CC fill, which puts me up to 6.3 CC total.  She says I'm really tight and requested I do liquids for 48 hours instead this time because I am REALLY tight.  Hopefully this is the adjustment I need to get me where I need to be to get off this plateau.

4.  Weight this morning was 254.4.  No change.

5.  I finally got off my ass and ran a few times over the last week.  My scale can't tell it.

6.  The weather here in NC is crisp and cool.  I walked outside this morning to find frost in my back yard.  My pup loves it, but I get so frustrated with him because we have to walk FOREVER right now to get him to use the bathroom.  He's just enjoying himself too much in the cold air to stop and do his business.

7.  I'm not a brave Bandster.  I was looking at Erica's instagram and she is so brave.  She uses #lapband tags and is very public and open about her surgery with the world wide web.  I wish I could be open like that, but I don't want people I went to high school with talking about "Hollee only lost the weight because she had surgery".  My home town is small minded people and I know people would talk.  I made a small step forward toward being more open and put my blog link in my 'description' but I doubt anyone will actually come over to read from my instagram.  (If you want to follow me, I'm holleealexandria on ig)

8.  I finally saw a doctor last week about the fact that after 3.5 years without a period I was bleeding for 3 weeks!  We decided that if it didn't stop within a week, he'd put me on some meds.  So here I am, finally surrendering to taking meds and the bleeding has almost stopped.  SO THANKFUL!

9.  I hope that the bleeding subsiding also means my hormones are going to straighten out.  I swear I have been an emotional WRECK the last 3-4 weeks.  I cry at the drop of a hat lately.  I have cried at least once a day for weeks, and usually more than once, and some of the times, it has been completely unexplainable.  Other times it was about Mr. Banker or thinking about the poor children in the research study I'm working on who may never talk again.  I'm ridiculously emotional.

10.  Speaking of Mr. Banker....things are still pretty strained between us.  I'd like to think this is perceived strain, but I don't know.  I am just going to TRY my best to be patient, and trust that what we have is good enough that it HAS TO work out.  We're still talking all day every day, but our schedules didn't really work out to see each other this week and part of that is my fault, but part of it is his too.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Have you been a bad surgeon?

LBG posted this very thought provoking article on her facebook about Allergan removing surgeons from their website for poor aftercare.  So I went on over to see if my mom's surgeon was listed.  Remember, the surgeon who was trying to push her away from the band, who told her the band doesn't work, etc.

Surprise, he is not.

That's sarcasm.

But the real surprise was that my surgeon is not there either.

Has anyone changed doctors after surgery for personal reasons (something other than moving)?  I'm not considering changing doctors, just a question out of curiosity.

Monday, October 21, 2013


I don't have anything TOO exciting to talk about... maybe I'm feeling kind of blah.

Friday I felt soooo bad from not sleeping/being hung over after Thursday's UNC game.  I stayed home and made the copykat Wendy's chilli recipe.  It was pretty good, but I think I should've added just a little extra tomato juice since I drained all of the grease, just to make it a little more 'brothy'.

Here's the recipe.

Saturday I met Donna from Happily After Lap Band for lunch at a cute little Mexican Restaurant.  It was really great meeting her!  She is so easy to talk to and for me it is always nice meeting someone else who is banded and can understand the struggles that go along with being banded.  None of my friends "get it" the way you all do... while they're great and supportive, it is different to be able to talk to someone who has shared my experiences.

After lunch, I met two friends and their kids at a pumpkin patch.  It really made me miss my nephew in California.  I have fun memories from taking him to the pumpkin patch in my hometown.

In the evening I was supposed to go out in downtown Raleigh, but I had a little headache so my friend and I opted to stay in with a glass of wine.  It's really what I needed to do anyway, to catch up.  Another friend-CL, was out in downtown Raleigh and saw Mr. Banker.  CL and Mr. Banker had never met, but both knew a lot about each other and had seen photos of each other.  CL spent her evening drunkenly watching him to make sure he wasn't being "bad" and at the end of the night introduced herself to him.  Luckily he knew she was just drunk and I hadn't put her up to spying on him.  I already knew he wasn't being bad, he'd spent his evening texting with me while he was out...

He called me on his way home from the club and we talked for a long while.  He mentioned for the second time in the last week that he remembers my birthday.  I really think he thinks our little argument three weeks ago came out of him not remembering my birthday, it really didn' was his "If I had a girlfriend" comment.  But it's nice to know he's making an effort to remember my birthday.

Yesterday I didn't do anything.  I napped most of the day and watched football.  I think I might be starting to get anemic after 2 straight weeks of PMS :(  I need it to stop SOON!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Human Nature vs. Low Self Esteem

I struggle with this, because it's hard to figure out what is "normal" or positive self-esteem.  Sometimes I can say that I've always liked myself a normal amount, and other times I look back on situations and think "yeah, if my self-esteem was better, I wouldn't have been in that situation".  I do think that as a general rule, I think I'm a "good catch".

Tonight, Mr. Banker and I were talking about "being wanted" (physically).  I said that I think it is human nature to be wanted.  We have had a similar conversation regarding love.  But this time, he said "I think you need to be wanted more than the average person".  He didn't say this in a derogatory way, just a statement.  We agreed to disagree about it and moved on to the next topic.

But here I sit after our conversation at 3am still thinking about what he said.

Do I need to feel physically wanted as a result of low self-esteem?

Or do we all have this need to feel that?

I look in the mirror and I see an attractive person who has many of the things she wants/needs in life.  Yes, I see the extra weight I'm carrying around, but I don't think it defines me.  But maybe I have that need to feel wanted to prove that I'm better than I was 100 pounds ago.  I don't know what it is.  I really have never seen this need to be wanted as a problem, until he said that I need that more than other people.  The conversation wasn't at all a big deal, it was just something said in passing on another topic, but it really got me thinking about how I measure my self-worth.

I'd like to think that the two things aren't related, but if they weren't, I don't think this conversation would be bothering me.

I'd like to think that how many times I get hit on or asked out has nothing to do with how I measure my self-worth, but I think it must.  Think about it this way, if you went through life looking like a beauty queen, but not once did anyone tell you you were beautiful, you probably would not feel beautiful.  I think it's okay to gain some sort of confidence by other's perception of you, as long as that's not ALL you judge yourself on.


Friday, October 18, 2013

The night UNC almost beat Miami

If you can tell how much fun you had by how bad you feel the next morning, I must have had a REALLY REALLY good time last night.

Mr. Banker and I began talking about going to a UNC football game back in August.  With the help of a friend, we decided go to the UNC/Miami game months ago.  We have had a rough 3 weeks, so I wasn't sure we would still go.  Mr. Banker and I have been better the last week or so and decided to still go to the game.

Mr. Banker and I both got off of work early.  I was supposed to go get another Lap Band adjustment before the game yesterday, but thanks to the help of my slightly-too-tight skirt, I could not keep food down yesterday and decided to cancel my appointment.  As soon as I changed my clothes, I was fine.  It was so strange, because I've worn tighter clothes before, I think it was just where the waistband fell that made me feel so sick.  It was a very high waisted skirt.

Anyway, Mr. Banker met me at my house and we left early to go to Chapel Hill.  I had to let Wrangler join in on the gameday fun, so Mr. Banker took this photo of me and Wrangler:

I always love being on campus.  I didn't want either of us to have to pay for parking, so we parked 1.8 miles from campus on the street that I used to live on in Chapel Hill.  This would've been a decent walk except that we unfortunately had to make it 4 times instead of twice, because we left my alcohol in the car.  So yeah, total between the walking around campus and to and from my car 4 times, it was about an 8 miles walk.

We had a good time together and I am really hopeful that Mr. Banker and I are going to be okay.