Thursday, February 27, 2014

Shake Shake Shake, Shake your...... blender ball!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Donna for introducing me to!!!!  They sell protein powder by the tub or in samples (as well as other products).  I chose to go with 35 different samples.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I've always been the "I hate protein powder" type of girl.

Not anymore.
So I wanted to share that with you.

So far I have tried:
Syntrax Nectar Roadside Lemonade
Syntrax Nectar Chocolate Truffle
Syntrax Nectar Caribbean Cooler
Matrix Mint Cookie  (mmmmmmmmm)

The Matrix Mint Cookie seriously tasted like a mint chocolate chip milkshake (but melty).  I bet if I put it in a blender with some ice, it would be as good as a milkshake.
I will be buying that one in the huge tub! 

All have been great so far though!

Also, every single morning it seems like I see a new lower number!
Eff yes!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Movin' on up!

Losing weight is the best thing I have ever done for my career.

I'm the same person and hard worker I was before, but I'm more confident.

And let me tell you, fat discrimination exists.  I know it exists because I've experienced it.  I still experience it sometimes, but not as much.

About four years ago, when I was interviewing for an internal promotion at my first CRO (Clinical Research Organization), I was told that I was a horrible interviewer and not very articulate.  There may have been some politics behind that, but regardless, that statement stuck with me.

So it feels incredibly good to know that is not true, at least now.  THIS Hollee, is not a horrible interviewer, because THIS Hollee has now gotten two job offers 24 (business) hours after an in-person interview: in August when I changed companies and again now.  I must be articulate.  I must be likeable.  I must leave people with the impression that I care about  my career and will do whatever job I have to the best of my ability.

That feels freaking awesome!


I am so very blessed and thankful right now.  I needed this job change and pay increase.

So what does all of this mean for me?

Well, I am postponing my port revision surgery.  It just makes the most financial sense to postpone so that I don't have to pay a deductible twice.  Since I'll have a lapse in insurance for 30 days, surgery will be pushed out to late April.  I'm okay with that. 

My last day at my current company will be March 10 ad I will begin at the new company on March 11. 

And... I will work in the same Office Complex as Donna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm envisioning lunch time walk breaks!  Donna is so funny and I'm excited to be able to see her a little more often.  I haven't had a WLS friend who I've consistently been able to hang out with, so I'm happy about that!

And in somewhat unrelated news, I saw yet another lowest adult weight this morning!

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY out of the 240s!!!  Freaking fantastic week!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Busy Bee

I've been busy since Ten Things Thursday.  I have to stay busy or I will lose my mind.

Thursday I went to the UNC vs. dook game.  It was AMAZING!!!  And honestly I feel so thin and pretty (comparably) in the photos from the game!

We were trailing most of the game, but somehow, UNC came back to win!



The bottom photo is my favorite, as the fans rushed the court in celebration!

Friday, I took a personal day from work.  I didn't get home from the game until very late. Then I had what we will, for now, call a 'meeting'.  Thank you for all of you who sent positive thoughts and prayers.  I should have some 'results' from the meeting soon.  I'm still praying and keeping my fingers crossed!

Saturday, my friend Kelly gave me tickets to the UNC/Wake Forest basketball game.  It was really a lot of fun.  UNC really kicked booty.

Photo: From the game yesterday....

The rest of the weekend, I spent painting.  I have officially finished.  Or at least finished everything I can do by myself!  I can't complete the staircase by myself because it is just too high.  I'd probably hurt myself and/or make a royal mess.

Now that I'm done, what am I going to spend my time doing?!

I've been super committed to bootcamp and painting because I NEED to be.  I NEED this distraction from my thoughts of Mr. Banker and my sadness.

I had a lot of sadness this weekend.  A lot of thoughts about things I miss.  Memories of him.  I just can't understand this, and I'm not sure I ever will.  I truly believe that what we had was special.  I don't know how he could just throw it away so easily.

Suggestions on my next project anyone?  Keep in mind I'm already doing bootcamp, so any other physical activity is probably not going to work...

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Date Disaster

I will NEVER. EVER. go on another food date with someone who does not know about my lap band.


Especially not a first date.

So tonight I go on a date. Guy is nice and cute. Conversation is nice.

Until he mentions I've hardly touched my food. I was pushing it around my plate and taking little bites but my plate still looked full. But who says something about that!

But I was stuck. And the bathroom line was LONG. Fuck.

When he went to get me a take out box, it was coming, like it or not. I threw up in my napkin and down my shirt. All over myself. He didn't notice....I don't think.

I'd be shocked if he did notice, considering he still tried to get in my pants. Good thing he didn't put his hand down my shirt.

For the record, I wouldn't have gone home with him even if I hadn't thrown up/slimed on myself.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Ten Things Thursday

1. I have something big happening tomorrow, and I am not going to specify, but I need your prayers, positive vibes, good thoughts, whatever you feel like sending my way please!

2. I had my last appointment with my PA this morning prior to port revision!  18 days until they replace my port.  And I got a 1.5CC fill today.  I weighed 242.4 at the WLS office this morning.  No change really.

3.  It's official, my PA also let me know that I will absolutely need to take 3 weeks off from Bootcamp after surgery.  Super bummed about this.

4.  An old friend of mine is moving to China.  She was someone who was there for me during a rough time and we drifted apart.  I hadn't spoken to her in over a year, until she emailed me last weekend to ask if I wanted some of her stuff.  I went to her house today, she wasn't home, to pick up the things I wanted, and it made me so very sad and miss her friendship.  I tend to believe that people have a 'role' in your life, and when their role is done, they will fade away and their purpose is served.  That doesn't mean I don't miss her role in my life.

5.  I wish I could adapt that previous theory to my current feelings about Mr. Banker.  I cry every day over what I thought was going to be, but it isn't, and I need to find a way to really cope with that.

6.  One of my very best friends reminded me of some old photos this week.  I truly love her for being so supportive and reminding me where I've come from.

7.  My sister and nephew got tickets to come visit in June!  I'm so super excited!  I haven't seen them in over a year.  I hope to be very close to my goal weight by then.

8.  My birthday is a little over 2 months away and I'm getting excited already!  I've been looking at birthday dresses but won't purchase one yet since I have no idea of my size at that time.

9.  UNC v. dook basketball tonight!!!


10.  The house painting is coming along really well.  I'm almost finished painting the entire downstairs of my house.  It is really a great distraction from being alone with my thoughts.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What is Love?

I've never been one for words.  I find it hard to express certain things verbally.  When it comes to work, logic, or politics, I'm one of the most articulate people you will ever meet.  But when it comes to telling someone how I feel about them, I get tongue tied and can't find the right thing to say.  I can write about it all day long, or tell a friend how I feel about that special someone, but when it comes to telling the object of my affection, I become an unintelligible goofy girl.  Maybe that's why I told Mr. Banker I loved him in the middle of the night half asleep.
The fact that I have trouble with words has always made me strongly value actions.  Have you all heard of the 5 love languages?

Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

I'm sure it is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I give and prefer to receive love via "Physical Touch".  You can click that link above to take the quiz and find out yours.  I very much express love through physical touch, and crave it as well.  But I think I do the other things a lot also, it is just my personality to give to others.

During our time together, I felt sure that Mr. Banker loved me--I didn't think he knew it yet, but I had no doubt in my mind that he did.  I thought his love language was quality time and physical touch.  I just can't figure out how I could have been so wrong.  Since I blocked him I haven't heard a peep from him.  It makes me feel that he doesn't care, that I was nothing to him.  The truth is, there is a part of me that thought blocking him would make him step up and be a man, and fix this.  He messed this up!  Not me.  It was his job to fix it.  The fact that he isn't tells me that I clearly didn't mean to him what I thought I did.

I just keep thinking back on these moments that made me believe he loved me, and wondering if it was an act, or if I misinterpreted them.  I remember these little things and begin to cry.

This moment where he was so loving and physically affectionate in front of a friend of his.

The way he held me all night when he stayed over.

Decorating the Christmas tree together, and how I was going to do it without him but he asked me to wait so that we could do it together.

The Rhode Island shot glass that I pretended in front of him didn't make me a giddy little girl inside.

The night he came over after all of this started, and he cried when I said "I'm not angry with you, just disappointed in you".

I really thought all those things were love.  I'm not sure I know how to tell when someone loves me anymore. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

Making my House a Home

I have lived in my home for almost 2 years.  I have wanted to paint since the day I moved in, I couldn't stand the horrible eggshell color all over the house, but just couldn't bring myself to paint when I knew the whole house was painted only a month before I moved in.

This weekend though, I had to change that.  I needed something to keep me occupied, physically and mentally.  And painting is really a cheap way to 'make over' the home, so I got started.  I know these photos aren't the greatest, but it's hard to take house pictures!

 My new lavender dining room.

 See my perfect little model?!
The mocha wall extending from living room into the kitchen :)
That color to the right on the wall with the window and door is the color the WHOLE house has been for two years.  It was boring, and not very "Hollee".

I have lots more to do, but I think I've made good progress!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Port Revision


And...Insurance Approved!

So, I will be going under the knife again on March 10th to have my Lap Band put back to it's 'like-new' condition!

I don't even know what tricks my doctor's office employed to get the insurance company to approve it, but I'm so happy they did!

Now, when I originally discussed this with my PA, she told me it wasn't possible for them to do a port revision with a low-profile port because the only way to get one would be to open a whole Lap Band kit...but I know from lots of blog reading that some of you out there have had port revision from a standard port to a low-profile port for cosmetic reasons, so I KNOW it is possible to get one!

So...being the astute and persistent person I am, I called up Apollo Endosurgery this morning (the company that bought the rights to LB), and asked.  Guess what?  The low-profile port CAN be ordered separately and only takes two days to arrive.  So yeah, I'll be getting one of those.  I really did not want to go from having the low-profile port currently to a larger, more protruding port after the revision!

That's a big difference in sizes!

So, now that that's taken care of, I guess I need to mentally prepare to go back on that liquid diet post-surgery phase for a while and not be allowed to exercise hard for a bit.

That will be really very hard for me.  Bootcamp has been a huge source of stress relief lately and I'm going to seriously miss it!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Another Snow Day

Back yard in the snow.

You know what sucks about a snow day?

There's lots of time alone, inside, to think.  It really isn't all that great for my mind right now.  I tried to get a good friend to come get snowed in with me, since he works fairly close to my house, but he chose to go home instead.  It ended up taking him 3 hours to make the 30 minute drive home.  That's what he gets, haha!  Oh well, what's done is done, I'm stuck inside and alone until this storm passes.

I hope I make it through being snowed in with my sanity.  After 3 hours of snow, I had about 6 inches.  The snow is still coming down fast now (after 4 hours) so I have no clue how much I'll end up with!  I'm expecting it to be crazy...

And for those of you who don't understand the stowmagedon phenomenon in the south... this photo is about 10 minutes away from my home on a major highway:

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Muscles and Loose Skin

When I looked in the mirror this morning while brushing my hair, I noticed my bat wings weren't flapping as much as usual.

So I took a photo to compare to a picture that I took prior to starting bootcamp.

This is the difference JUST 4 WEEKS of Bootcamp has made.
Can't wait to see what 4 months will look like!

Here's the FULL picture:
I feel good and confident.  Sexy even.  Except one thing...
My lower tummy skin.
In case you're thinking "oh it's not that bad", take another look:
That's Just skin hanging there.  UGH!  I really hope Bootcamp will help that, but I'm really not sure.  It might just be too much.

Sometimes I feel so self conscious that any man will only see that when they see me without clothes.  When I see this, I get so angry that I let myself get to 344 pounds. is what it is I guess.  I'm doing my best to correct it.  I just will never allow myself to go back.  I can't believe all that I've put my body through.  

I will never forget.
I will never go back.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Don't be fooled, this smile is Fake

I am trying really hard right now, but I am not doing very well.

It's so strange, because I truly had a great week.  Monday I went to bootcamp, Tuesday I went to a basketball game, Wednesday was my grandfather's 80th birthday party, and last night I went to a friend's dinner.  I haven't gone to bootcamp much this week, so maybe that is part of what I'm missing emotionally, but I am really struggling.

I feel completely emotionally drained and beat down lately.  I have upped my antidepressant dosage to 150mg per day, which is the dose I was on for the 3 months I took it several years ago.  But there's really not much relief lately.

I'm just really not okay.  As much as I'm holding it together on the outside, on the inside I'm falling apart.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Lowest Adult Weight

I have another post in mind today, but I'm pretty excited about this so I thought I'd share. Guess it will be a two post kind of day!

In other news, the bitchy administrator at my WLS office didn't submit the paperwork for my port revision to the insurance company until yesterday! Ugh. That's nearly a week since it was supposed to happen. It will be denied most likely but they were going to try some "coding tricks" to get it to go through.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Another reason I'm a Badass-- #newpiercings

See those piercings on my back?

Yeah, they are like the cherry on top of my recent badass-ery.

I've been debating whether to post this for a little bit, and had decided I wasn't going to share with you all, but after a scare last night that they were going to need to be removed, I decided to go ahead and share with the world while they exist, who knows for how long that will be.

Besides, I feel kinda hot in the above pic, so I shared!

These types of piercings are called dermals or dermal anchors.  They have a base or anchor and sits under the skin and does not come out unless you want to permanently remove them.

There are 2 risks with this type of piercing:
1) The body can reject them at any time
2) The body can 'consume' them while healing if they were pierced too deep, which basically means the skin would heal over them

My scare involved THINKING the latter option had happened, but in fact the 'top' had just screwed off and I found it in my bed this morning.  I just kept thinking, well isn't THAT a typical fat girl problem.... my body ATE my piercing, wtf.  But it didn't, and all is fixed :)

I must admit that maybe these weren't the most well thought out piercings.
I probably should've done this in the summer while I'd be wearing more dresses.
And perhaps I should've considered how difficult this was going to be with my workouts.

But I've figured out ways to take care of them, which involve covering with bandaids every day before bootcamp and taking special care with my clothing choices!