Monday, April 10, 2017

Here we go again.... Revision 2.0

Hi everyone... I've been dreading writing this blog.  But I've always wanted to be transparent, so I'm writing it.  I also don't want anyone to feel alone, and the few instances of my situation that I've read from other people give me such a sense of solidarity, that I want to give that to someone else.

5 years ago, my surgeon suggested I have gastric bypass instead of the lapband.  I was too scared and I said no.

2.5 years ago when it became clear that my band was failing, my surgeon suggested I revise to gastric bypass.  I said yes.  I learned that I needed to trust my surgeon, and so I got on board.  It was the day before surgery when my insurance said NO.  I was beyond frustrated and went forward with the sleeve even though my surgeon warned me that I may need further surgery if I had the sleeve due to already having GERD.

So here we are now, and I'm revising- yet again.

As soon as I was sleeved, the reflux got worse almost immediately.  My doctor switched me from Omeprazole to Protonix 40 mg and that seemed to help A LOT.  Then I got pregnant with Xavier and I could hardly eat, so I didn't have much reflux at all.  Once he was born, the reflux returned and my doctor increased my Protonix to 80 mg/ day.  It helped for almost a year.  I could tell my reflux was getting bad around Christmas 2016.  I didn't notice at first really, until I realized I'd gone through a small bottle of chewable antacids in 3 days... that made me step back and re-evaluate.  So I tried to go a few days without my supplemental chewables, and realized I couldn't without pain.

In the end of January, I woke up one morning with a little blood on my pillow.  It was very light and I wasn't sure where it was coming from.  It wasn't until later that I realized the recurrent blood on my pillow was so light because it was mixed with saliva.  Then in February 2017, I had a really bad day of reflux where I had to take the day off work, it was so bad.  And then the vomiting started.  There was a good amount of blood in it and it terrified me.  I called my surgeon's office and made an appointment, but I already knew what he was going to say.

I knew he was going to tell me that revision was my only option.  That is basically what he told me, and ordered a battery of tests to confirm.

Upper GI with X-Ray
Upper Endoscopy with BRAVO pH Monitoring
Manometry Testing

All tests showed the same conclusion.  My esophagus and even my swallowing are suffering as a result of being sleeved.  So, next week, I will be having gastrojejunostomy surgery, which in other words, basically means I will be converted to gastric bypass.

I do not want to start over.  This is messing with my plans for things I wanted to do in the upcoming months, but it is necessary.  I can't live with this pain for another year, much less another 50+ (hopefully) given that I'm only 28.

I'm actually really scared of this surgery still.  Every time I pull up to the exit where the hospital is, I begin to feel anxious about it.  Especially after my surgeon told me that the hospital has a new anti-analgesic policy, so no pain medication will be given to me after surgery.  I'm hoping there is some other relief he didn't mention to me.  I'll be asking when I have my anesthesia interview Wednesday.

Another fear is that my milk will dry up-- yes, at 17 months my son still breastfeeds.  I want him to be able to continue for as long as he wants (within reason) so that he can continue to get those good antibodies.  I have to admit, too, that I love the bond we have when he's nursing.  A calm comes over him that I don't see any other time.

All of your positive vibes for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery are greatly appreciated!

Saturday, October 1, 2016

The struggle

I'm struggling.

I got out of my gym contract but my former trainer's words really messed with me. I've been attending the new gym here and there but I don't think it's quite right for me. I don't feel comfortable with the child care there so I don't think I'll be going anymore. I need to find something but gyms with child care are difficult to find.

I've contemplated running. A jogging stroller would only cost me about the same as a month's gym membership. I hate running, but I love the results. I always lose weight when I do HIIT cardio.

I hate that I let words affect me to the point of losing my motivation. I need the exercise mentally, but I just can't find the physical drive to go right now.

I hope I figure something out soon.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

A(nother) new start

I'm an ESFJ (Myers-Brigs assessment).

My weaknesses, if you're interested:

  • Inflexible 
  • Reluctant to Innovate or Improvise 
  • Often Too Needy 
  • Too Selfless
This basically explains everything that is wrong with me.

And explains why I'm so averse to change.  I HATE change.  And it feels as if the only constant in my life right now is change.

First, the end of my relationship with Mr. Banker.
Losing my church (also a result of Mr. Banker).

Now losing my gym/trainer.

The good and bad news is that the owner of the gym let me out of my contract.  That's good because I really don't think I could've worked out with old trainer again after last week.  The bad news is that prior to Thursday, I really did like him as a trainer.  I'm also losing the support of all of the women at the gym.  

That's hard but I think this is the best case scenario.

My old trainer from 3 years ago opened her own gym.  It used to be pretty far away from me, but I just found out her gym has moved just miles from me.  It's similar in workout routine....

45 minute
Rotating body systems
Boot camp style

but it's smaller.  I went today and yesterday and it was just me and one other girl working out with me.  I hope I can adjust to this change.

I really do need the exercise.  It puts me in a better mental place than I've been in years.


Thursday, September 15, 2016

Failure?

Today my trainer called me a failure.

It's been 5 hours and I can't sleep.

All he sees is that I've been at the gym for 2.5 months and haven't lost one pound. That's right.... Not one effing pound. On HIS nutrition plan.

Which I've felt wrong about since the beginning.

So I finally made an appointment to see my surgeon. He confirmed what I already felt. 1900 calories is too many. He told me to cut them down.

But he also said I'm doing great and i might have to come to terms that this is the healthy place that my body wants to stay. And I should be happy with that. Easier said than done, but I'm in a MUCH better place than I was 4 years ago before surgery.

Sooooo.... then I went to the gym tonight. Before class I gave my trainer a little summary of today's appointment. He was not at all happy with being told that his nutrition plan was wrong for me. Then he took it a step too far. He told me that he has 10 other weight loss surgery patients and I'm not only one not losing weight. The conversation ended there.

Workout begins and I'm feeling some type of way about the previous conversation. And that feeling just builds. Until I'm running and trainer and I have a second alone so I nonchalantly let him know that his comment bothered me.

After class was over, I wanted to let him know why. So I told him that comparing two weightloss surgery patients is unfair. We each have different circumstances, different surgeries, different surgery dates. I'm not the same as someone who is 12 years or 6 months out from surgery. Instead of backing off he told me he's only with me for 3% of the day and he can't control what I do the other 97% of the day and maybe I'm not losing because I'm not trying hard enough. And he doesn't want me to keep failing because that's a reflection on him.

Fail?!?! Me?

That's hard to hear as the 344.4 pound woman I used to be.

I don't even know where to go from here. The truth is, I'd probably quit today if I didn't have a contract. I do not want to see him. I don't want to high 5 him as I work out. I really don't know what to do....

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Just keep swimming

Hi Bloggers!

I try to keep my motivation to blog, but it's really hard.  I hate being a negative nancy, so I want to blog happy things, but life isn't all rainbows and butterflies.  But I'm here anyway, because several weeks ago, a follower contacted me on facebook to tell me I have really inspired her and made a difference in her life.  She isn't someone who ever commented on my blog or anything like that, so you never really know who you're inspiring.

I have been going to Boot Camp religiously, but the scale hasn't moved.  I'm sitting pretty on this plateau, and although it's frustrating, I'm not surprised.  My trainer has changed my eating habits and quite honestly, I'm terrified.  He has me eating 1900 calories a day and keeping my macros at 45% protein, 35% carbs, and 20% fat.  As a weight loss surgery patient, eating 1900 calories a day is SCARY.  I can't help wondering if this is why I haven't seen a change in the scale.  I have an appointment with my weight loss surgeon in a couple of weeks and I intend to have a very serious conversation with him about all of this.  I'm 4 years post-op (2 years post-revision).... is my diet where it should be?  Luckily I've been tracking everything for about 5 weeks so I will have something tangible to show him.

Life outside of the gym is hectic.  I've been super sick for about 2 weeks and it's exhausting.  Custody stuff is coming up next week as well.  If you're the praying type, please pray that the best outcome for Xavier is the result of the upcoming proceedings.  For now, I'll just listen to Nemo and just keep swimming.

With all of the custody stuff coming, I am afraid that breastfeeding may come to an end if I have too much time away from my son.  I did a breastfeeding shoot recently to commemorate those special moments, thought I'd share some with you here.

Love how he's grabbing onto my excess skin in that first photo...



Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bootcamp Addict

Hi Weight Loss Bloggers!

It's my third full week of boot camp and it was EXACTLY what I needed.
I feel refreshed and renewed.
My stress level is better than it has been in a long time.
I feel like I am getting physically and mentally healthier every day.

I really lack self-motivation to work out, so the trainer lead classes are perfect for me.


In addition to the gym, I'm tracking my nutrition every day.  I am actually doing really well.
The more I exercise, the more hungry I am.
As a weight loss surgery patient, that is SCARY.

But I recognize it is my metabolism speeding up.
I also know the importance of eating enough to produce milk for my baby, so I am letting my body lead me.  
Last week I was SO hungry.  I couldn't stop myself from eating.  So I ate a pack of TUNA.

I DESPISE TUNA.
But I figured if I was hungry enough to eat a 3rd lunch, it should be something I hate.
That proves it was body hunger and not head hunger.


Just wanted to stop in for a quick update.

If you've been thinking about getting back into working out but putting it off, STOP!
GO!
TO!
THE!
GYM!

It isn't just good for your body, it's good for the mind.  <3

Until next time...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Back at it

The stress associated with breaking up, custody, and work is really starting to get to me. I got to a point that I wanted a drink every day after work, but I made the decision not to drink when alone in the company of my child, so that wasn't working out for me. So today I made the decision to go back to boot camp.

A new location of Burn Bootcamp opened closer to my house... About 15 minutes away. I used to go to a different location of this franchise prior to my revision surgery. If there's a Burn Bootcamp in your location, I recommend it highly. It's some of the most intense workout you can possibly fit into 45 minutes.

And I'm scared!

I'm terribly out of shape.

And let's be real, I'm lazy.

But I need to do something to help with my current stress level. Correction....i need to do something HEALTHY to deal with it. We all know there are plenty of unhealthy things I could do, so I'm proud of myself for choosing a healthy alternative to the daily glass of wine the minute my work day is done.

Tomorrow is day 1. Say a little prayer for me.