Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Xavier was born on November 8, 2015 at 6:21am, 20 inches long and 7 pounds 3 oz. He was born unexpectedly in my bed at home.
Yep, that's right.....
I woke up on the morning of the 7th and knew I was in labor. I felt different and my body just knew those weren't braxton hick's contractions. So I got up, showered, and decided I needed to go get my nails done because they were too long and would scratch my newborn baby. I went to the nail salon while Mr. Banker was at work...he thought I was crazy.
When Mr. Banker got home from work, I began timing my contractions. When they got to one minute each and 4 minutes apart, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital around 6pm and I was excited to find out that my favorite obstetrician was on duty. They checked my contractions and said although they were consistent, I wasn't dilating enough so they sent me home at 11:30pm at 3cm dilated and told me to come back when it felt like the 'real deal'. I asked how I'd know it was the real deal and they told me I wouldn't be able to talk through my contractions and I would be calling Mr. Banker every name in the book. So home I went and waited for those signs....which never came.
I tried to sleep but I was in a lot of pain, I kept taking baths to ease the pain. It got more intense at 3am and by 5am I told my mom to go ahead and drive to my city because it HAD to be the real deal. I got in a bath again at 5:30am and had a very strong contraction that told me we needed to go back to the hospital, although I was still talking through each contraction. By that time I could not even walk and Mr. Banker had to help me out of the shower and dry me. I was trying to dress to go back to the hospital when I had the urge to throw up. I sat on the toilet and intended to throw up in a bucked so I wouldn't pee on myself, but the sudden urge to push overtook me. As I reached down I felt my baby's head and knew it was time. I screamed for Mr. Banker, who called 9-1-1, and delivered our son on his own, with just the telephone assistance of the emergency operator. He did an amazing job.
The firefighters and paramedics arrived 15 minutes after Xavier's birth and we were transported to the hospital. We were both healthy and all was well.
As for now, I love being a mother. There is no other love like this. I can't describe the feeling. It's wonderful, even with the sleep deprivation and feeling like his own personal dairy bar at times.
Mr. Banker and I have been off of work together for these first weeks and we're doing great. Promise to try to write again soon.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
It just shows me that I am still a fat girl in my head sometimes and I have to try harder to fight it. That's why I'm here now, blogging. To keep me from putting another piece of food in my mouth. I don't even know where it all fit. Before noon I had eaten
A piece of french toast
Chobani flips yogurt
Meat and Cheese Lunchable
A small piece of Broccoli Chicken Cheddar quiche
Where the hell did all that food fit?!
I don't know, but it went somewhere....
I got upset today over family stuff. Basically, I had offered a bedroom set built by my great grandfather to my aunt and uncle. I simply don't have room for it and getting rid of it was breaking my heart, but my son needs a nursery more than I need to keep that furniture. I wanted to keep it in the family, so I offered it to this aunt and uncle who has pretended to be supportive during my pregnancy, but I now have a suspicion that it truly was just an act.
I offered this furniture to them over a month ago, and they still haven't come to get it. It's been sitting in my garage for over a month waiting on them to come get it. My water heater burst last week, flooding my garage, so I asked them to try to make a trip to get it out of the water, they told me to move it somewhere dry. If I had anywhere dry to put it, I wouldn't be giving it away. That's beside the point. Anyway, they went to my father yesterday and told him I was giving it away, and also lied telling him I had gotten rid of all of my grandmother's crystal some time ago. I gave a few pieces away 2 summers ago because I thought it was a nice thing to share with my female cousins, but I kept most of it. Regardless, them telling my dad all of this did not help an already very unfortunate situation, I was called an ungrateful bitch, etc. It just gets so frustrating trying to do the right thing and feeling shit on for it.
I know I was trying to do the right thing, so what anyone else thinks shouldn't matter, but it hurts my feelings. I feel betrayed. I feel like doing the right thing is useless. But I know it's not. And I know I'm still the better person.
Putting this here may only temporarily stop the emotional eating, but I'm hoping this emotional purge will help.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Last Friday my mom came to town for our baby shower weekend and then Saturday Mr. Banker's parents arrived. It was so amazing for them to finally meet, and it all went really well. Of course it sucks that my father wasn't there, but I guess this is just a fact of life that I will have to come to terms with.
We went to dinner with his parents, my mom, and my grandmother Saturday night and that was very nice. We took them to Ruth's Chris and it occurred to me that I really just don't care about food that much anymore. I didn't care what I ate or where (except that I did not want to go to this all-you-can-eat Brazilian buffet Mr. Banker suggested--for obvious reason). That's a huge change in my life over the last 3 years that I am very thankful for. I don't crave food and I can eat the same thing for days if I need to because it's for nourishment more than enjoyment now.
Our baby shower was Sunday and it was so wonderful. We had so many friends and family there to show their love and support for us and for Xavier. I may be partial, but it was one of the best showers I've been to.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
We painted our bedroom grey with a darker grey accent wall. I changed the bedding and we hung Mr Bankers picture of NY above our bed. It definitely feels more like "our" room now, and not just mine.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Monday, August 17, 2015
Mr. Banker and I have been beyond busy. We are getting the house ready for a new baby and that is a lot of work! We're also just updating some things in my house that I should've done before and never did. We put laminate hardwoods upstairs because I couldn't stand the idea of my baby crawling around on carpet (since I have dogs...yuck!) and did tile in the kitchen and bathrooms. We painted our bedroom and put up curtains in all of the room of the house. It is looking like a new house! Mr. Banker's parents are coming to visit for our baby shower, so we are working hard to get everything updated before their visit next month.
Last week I went to Disney World with my cousin and her kids. It was just a one-day trip but it was my first time at Disney World (you all may remember that I experienced Disney Land for the first time last year). Here's a photo from our trip:
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
I had lap band surgery on 17September2012. I had read lots of blogs and forums about the lap band, but I wasn't really prepared for my own personal experience. I wasn't prepared for all the throwing up. I mean, it was really a daily thing for me. If I didn't get sick during the course of a day, that was akin to a miracle. Then, after about a year, I couldn't get my restriction right with the normal 4-6 week fills. I was literally getting a fill every 2 weeks in an attempt to maintain the 100 pounds I'd lost. I spent a lot of time fearing food... was I going to eat too much? Was it going to make me sick? Was I going to get that painful 'stuck-in-my chest, can't breathe' feeling?
So I began the revision process and it took 3 appeals to finally get approval. I was an emotional wreck during that 6 months, but I finally got the approval and I was so happy. I actually planned to revise to RNY on my doctor's recommendation, but that provided further insurance hurdles and I revised to sleeve to avoid losing my approval.
The surgery itself was quite easy. Not much pain and I healed so well. It was definitely easier revising to the sleeve than my initial lap band surgery.
So here we are 10 months later and I'm so happy. The weight loss hasn't been phenomenal. I'm about 60 pounds down from what I was at the revision surgery and only 20 pounds from my goal weight. I'm not going to complain about that considering I'm 6 months pregnant.
The REAL difference though is my quality of life. I never worry about how the weather will affect my tool. All of you who are banded know that things like PMS, weather, waking up on the wrong side of the bed, etc. can make that fickle bitch of a band tighten up like you couldn't have imagined. So no more worrying about that. I don't fear food. I never throw up after eating. It's a whole new world. The sleeve is everything I THOUGHT the band was going to be. It's perfect. There is still a small part of me that wishes I'd gotten the RNY just because weight loss is more rapid and it prevents acid reflux, but overall, I'm so happy. I wish I'd done the sleeve or RNY initially. The Lap Band just really wasn't a good option for me.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
It's been a while since I've written, because quite honestly I haven't known what to write about.
I'm doing great and Baby Xavier is doing well too. I'm finally over the horrible morning sickness phase so I haven't been gaining or losing weight really. I'm glad to be done with the sickness- it reminded me A LOT of how it felt to be banded... not a reminder I ever want again.
I'm 5.5 months pregnant now... just 3.5 more months to go! I'm really not showing at all. There's a part of me that wants to know what it's like to have a baby bump, and another part that is horrified at the idea of having to lose that bump after baby is born! I'm torn, but regardless, what is going to happen will happen. I've kind of decided I just won't get a baby belly, but that is unrealistic, right. I can see him when I lay on my back in the mornings in bed. When I stand, I don't look even a little pregnant. I can kind of see how those women did it on the show "I didn't know I was pregnant".
I'll leave you all with a photo of my sweet, squirmy, baby boy!
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Last week my lower abdomen and back started hurting, but I assumed it was just pregnancy related pain and went on about my business. Mr. Banker and I had a busy weekend, so when we got home Sunday we laid on the couch together and took a nap. I woke from my nap with sharp pains in my back and realized this pain was too familiar-- all those kidney stones I'd had, they felt JUST LIKE this. Mr. Banker thought I should go to the hospital, but I wasn't very interested at first because I thought there wasn't much they could do for me since I'm pregnant.
A few hours in though, I began to worry that I might have a stone blocking my ureter and need a stent (I've had 2 stents in the past) so I decided it was time to go to the hospital. They found no stone, but that I had a severe kidney infection. Severe enough that they admitted me to the hospital right away for IV antibiotics.
I had a lovely 2 night stay at the local hospital and fortunately came home yesterday. Nowhere is better than home, in my own bed, with my own dogs, and my own Mr. Banker.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Mr. Banker and I went to the beach for memorial day with his best friend's family, including his wonderful godsons. On the way to the beach, the oldest godson --he is 7-- rode in the car with us, and made a comment about how I was bigger than Mr. Banker. I was at a loss for words and was glad that I was wearing sunglasses so that they couldn't see me cry. I know it was not at all his intention to hurt me, but I thought I'd gotten to a point that I wouldn't have to deal with things like that anymore. At 5'9, Mr. Banker and I are the same height and I only weigh about 10-15 pounds more than him now. Mr. Banker corrected his godson and told him it wasn't nice to comment on people's weights, the conversation ended and when we got out of the car Mr. Banker had a private conversation with the little boy who came up and apologized for hurting my feelings and hugged me.
I suppose he made up for it, because although they call me "Miss Hollee" and him "Uncle Banker" (insert name in place of Banker), the older godson said something that showed he is beginning to think of me as family. I was talking to Mr. Banker's family about my nephew and the older godson interrupts and says "wait... which nephew? me or ...younger godson...?" I explained to him that I have another nephew that he'll get to meet next weekend, but it had me grinning from ear to ear.
Older godson also gave Mr. Banker a speech in the car about how if we are having a baby, we should be married and even told him how he is supposed to ask me. He was full of suggestions for baby names including "Pete, Bob, Alvin, Tom and Jerry"--we asked for boy names since we're pretty set already on a girl name.
I really do adore Mr. Banker's family. Especially the two godsons. They melt my heart every time I see them.
Yesterday morning, younger godson --he's 4-- told me he wanted to show me something, but it was upstairs. So I went upstairs with him and he stood on the bed and wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek and proceeded to tell me that was all he needed to show me. Do you guys understand why these kids have me like putty in their hands?
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
I believe it's true that a mother's love is unconditional. I love my mom, she's one of my best friends. I know that she will always be.
My father on the other hand was horrific. I don't even want to talk about it. Instead of focusing on my father, I'd rather praise my child's father. He knew it was going to be tough so he made sure I'd come home to happiness. While I was at my parents house, he came to cut my grass and left me roses. Mr. Banker had never bought me flowers before, so he had me grinning from ear to ear. Then he brought me sushi for dinner. He brought me so much happiness yesterday. That's truly the caring man I needed yesterday.
Friday, May 8, 2015
I've played it over and over in my head. How I will tell them. I've thought of long explanations and short ones, and I just don't think I can make it through the longer version. I feel like all I can get out is "I'm having a baby and I'm due in November" and then I will let them ask anything else they want to know, instead of preemptively trying to explain. I'm an adult, I shouldn't really have to explain myself, but my parents are difficult and I know this is going to be hard.
Please send me positive vibes or prayers....
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Thursday, April 30, 2015
If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may remember that I usually throw a pretty big party for my birthdays. Here are a couple of photos from the last few:
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
You all may wonder why lately it's been so important that Mr. Banker meet my parents and why the sudden trip to Rhode Island to meet his parents. Well... we're expecting a baby in November. I've kept it a secret now for 12 weeks and I just can't any longer.
That's why I'm worried about weight gain. That's why I recently wrote that I've had bigger things to worry about than the scale. So there it is. And it will be posted for all to see on this beautiful Monday, until I take it down.
We are excited, and nervous- as I think most new parents-to-be are. But things have never been better between us and he has been amazingly supportive. I knew our surprise was going to be a make-it or break it type moment for us, and it seems that we are making it- so far anyway.
Talk about an NSV... I beat PCOS. I beat the doctor who said I would never conceive naturally. I beat my greatest fear that I could not become a mother without another woman giving that to me (either through surrogacy or adoption).
Please keep us in your thoughts, and prayers (if you pray).
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
His father is just a 30 years older version of Mr. Banker. Same sense of humor. Same smile. Same laugh. I'm usually shy around new people, but it was so easy to be around him and to love him because I felt like I already knew him from knowing and loving Mr. Banker himself. The minute Mr. Banker left me alone with his parents, his dad asked me when I was going to marry his son and give him some grandbabies.
Mr. Banker had scared me a little about his mom. He had told me several months ago that she told him not to bring another woman home unless he was going to marry her. So I had a lot of anxiety about that. I thought she just didn't like them, but she told me she just didn't want to get attached to women who didn't last the test of time. Regardless of my anxiety about meeting her, I loved her too.
Overall, it was amazing meeting them. Not only did I get to meet his parents, but also childhood friends, a sibling, and nephews and a niece.
Everything was perfect, I couldn't have asked for it to be better.
Friday, April 10, 2015
I remember growing up, my parents taught me that I should never judge someone based on their outward appearance- whether that be their race, gender, any physical disability, sexuality, etc. Somehow that rule doesn't quite apply to dating though. I understand in a way, I know that it was the way they were raised. White belonged with white, black belonged with black. I know that was what was acceptable then, but times are changing. I've dated white men, black men, a hispanic man, and an asian man, and I never felt like race was an issue. My parents were never 100% thrilled with any of them, so maybe my parents just don't want their baby girl growing up.
Anyway, I've digressed here.
So we woke up early (far too early for Mr. Banker's taste) to drive to my parents' house. After running a few morning errands, we went out to brunch with my parents, and surprisingly my grandmother came too...without fixing her hair or anything-- she must've really been interested in meeting Mr. Banker. She'd never met a boyfriend of mine before, and my parents had only met one of them previously.
Brunch went well. Conversation was easy and my dad even slipped in a few embarrassing stories of younger Hollee's defiant days. After brunch we parted ways and my parents called to ask if Mr. Banker would like to stay for Easter Sunday, but he already had plans. I definitely felt like it was a good sign for them to extend the offer, and it made me feel good about the visit.
I know that Mr. Banker's parents will be more accepting of us as far as race goes next weekend- they are an interracial couple as well. I just hope that our surprise visit isn't too much of a surprise for them! I definitely know that my parents wouldn't like me just showing up with someone, without telling them I'm coming, but he knows his parents better than I do so I just have to trust his judgement.
Rhode Island in one week!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Depending on the day, I'm somewhere between 212 and 215. That's crazy considering I think my brain still belongs to a 344 pound Hollee. My original goal was just to be under 200 pounds. I just want to live in Onederland. I'm so close, but soooo far. I can't even tell you how far it feels to get to 200 pounds or less.
Hopefully I will continue to lose over the next couple of months and get to under 200 pounds, but I'm currently feeling a little discouraged. I'll update you all soon.
Monday, April 6, 2015
That was at least 2 years ago and now she's considering it again. The thing about my mom is that she is not really that overweight. I mean, I would say she MIGHT be 50 pounds overweight. She just has comorbidities to obesity that the surgery might help her.
I'm scared for her, but excited for her at the same time. I'm glad she didn't go forward with getting banded, although I do worry about her not being able to stop losing weight after VSG. But I guess that's not something I've seen a lot of from the ladies I follow on IG and such.
My mom broke her arm and had to have a kidney stone surgically removed already this year, so her maximum out of pocket for insurance is by far met. I really want her to get the process started if she's going to do it so that it can be done in 2015-- I know more than anyone how difficult the approval process can be. Her BMI is only around 36, but her diabetes are bad and she has sleep apnea as well. I just want my mom to live a long, very healthy life. She is truly one of my best friends and I want this for her so that I can have her in my life as long as possible.
I don't want to keep asking her if she's going to make the appointment, but I don't want her to miss the opportunity either. I don't know if her insurance is going to require a 6 month waiting period like many do these days. I have a severe dislike and distrust of insurance companies after my battle with Blue Cross Blue Shield NC last year, so I can't help feeling like she needs to get on it ASAP if this is going to happen.
Friday, April 3, 2015
My mom usually works on weekends, so she is always working a 12 hour shift on Easter Sunday. Back in January, my mom fell and broke her arm and has been out of work since then. It will be so nice to have my mom home for the whole day on a holiday--even holidays that fall on week days, she usually offers to work part of a shift so that someone else can spend time with their families. My sister and nephew are in NC now, so it will be the biggest family holiday in many, many years. It will still be small, but perfect- my parents, me, grandmother, sister, nephew, and sister's boyfriend. I'm very much looking forward to it.
Mr. Banker is coming home with me to meet my parents. I can't believe it has already been two years with him..... I'm nervous and happy that they will finally get to meet the man that I love so much, but I just want them to like him so much too that it stresses me out. I'm going to Rhode Island to meet his family in two weeks and I feel even more stressed about that, so I imagine he might be a little nervous to meet mine as well. Cross your fingers for us and send us all your luck please!
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
So remember back in October, Jessica convinced me to start a DietBet?! I can't believe 5 months (and 5 rounds have already passed) and I am please to say that I have surpassed my 10% weight loss.
My initial weight was 246.8 and yesterday's official Round 5 weigh-in documented my weight at 212.8. That's a total of 34 pounds lost since I began in October, and although it isn't the earth shattering loss I would've liked, I will happily take it!
Here are two photos from DietBet... I apologize that I wasn't beauty contest read for either of them:
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
I went to this fundraising benefit for my friend's son's school last weekend. It took me 4 tries to find a dress that fit. SOOOO frustrating. After losing 130 pounds, you'd think it gets easier, but apparently not. My first attempt was an amazon buy, size 18W and it just fit weird. I'm currently a 14/16 btw. My second attempt was PromGirl.com dress that was a size 3X. It was FAR from fitting as well. Third dress never arrived, and the 4th dress was another amazon attempt size 18. It was a little large but I made it work.
The benefit was great, and I felt pretty, so I wanted to share a few photos:
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
I don't have much exciting news, but wanted to give you all an update.
I'm losing weight at a snail's pace, and it's entirely my fault. I eat too many things I shouldn't, too often. Now, it's not like I'm sitting around with candy bars and icecream (holy recipe for dumping batman!), but I go out to eat too often and that needs to quit.
I'm going in for my 6-month revision follow-up today. Yes, it's a month early but it's a combined appointment for my gallbladder removal.
I'm pretty sure I'm sitting around the same place today as I was when I saw my PA 2 months ago. I tend to bounce between 225-230 depending on the day. It's still a downward trend so I'm not as worried about it as I probably should be. Considering I started at 344.4 though, 225-230 doesn't FEEL that bad. And not trying to sound conceited, but I feel like it looks pretty damn good. I feel confident and sexy and most like 'me' than I have in so long.
I fought SO hard to get my revision though and I should be making the most of it. I should be busting my ass in the gym every single day. Ugh. I need to get on that.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
If you read yesterday's blog post about bullying, you already had the spoiler I guess.
When I read that OH2015 was being held here, I immediately thought of Erica. She is the sweetest chick- I got to meet her in May when I visited California for my sister's birthday, and I know that Erica went to OH2014 and really enjoyed it. So I contacted her to ask if it was worth going, and she said it was so good that she'd like to come this year. That's how we decided she'd be visiting me for the conference in October.
If any of you want to go, I have a couch (for those of you that I chat with outside of blogger) or can point you in the right direction of a good hotel! I'd love to play tour guide and possibly have a WLS meetup experience with this conference coming to town.
I have always regretted that I missed the BOOBs gatherings (for the newbies, BOOBS stands for Band Of Outrageous Babes). The last BOOBs meetup was right before my lapband surgery, and I didn't begin blogging until a few months later.
Well, if you are interested in learning about OH2015, and possibly coming to it, here is the link:
Obesity Help National Conference 2015-- October 16 & 17
I am planning to apply to participate in the runway modeling. When else in my life will I get the opportunity to model? Um, never.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Now that I'm revised, I still disagree with it. I would NEVER put someone down because they made a different decision than me. Even with all my trouble with the band, I would never tell someone that they were making the wrong choice. Your body, your choice.
So, what's sparked this topic of discussion, you might wonder?
Well, last month I went on a trip to meet several VSG sisters from instagram. I was so excited about this trip. In fact, all of these women were VSGers that I had looked up to, admired, aspired to be like...
One of the women I knew from home, we share the same doctor and I adore her. The other 4 were IG friends, but I'd texted with 2 of them in the past and was excited for the meeting. Almost from the very beginning, I felt like I was treated differently.
It started when they continuously told my friend that was with me how beautiful she was, and how proud of her they were. She is incredibly beautiful, but the compliments to her were excessive and I couldn't help but notice that there was not one compliment to me.
Then there was a discussion about saggy ta-tas and apparently I was the only one in the room who hasn't lost her lady lumps since my surgery. When I was honest about this, the overwhelming response was that my surgery "wasn't that long ago" and I "haven't lost that much weight yet".
Excuse me? Just because I had revision 3 months ago doesn't mean I haven't been doing this whole WLS thing for over 2 years. But I let it go, or tried to.
Then throughout the evening there were other comments about how I am not that far out from surgery yet, and when I've lost as much as they have, I'd understand what they were talking about. Talking strictly numbers, I should add that I have lost more pounds than any of the other women there, not that I believe it's a contest, but I guess they did.
I mentioned these little stabs at me to my friend, to which she responded that it was all in my head. I shook it off and thought perhaps she was right, until they began to post photos on instagram that they had cropped me out of.
That was a pretty obvious indication that I'd been right.
I don't know what their problem with me was.
I don't know if it's because they saw me as a failure for needing revision.
Maybe they just didn't like blondes.
All of this got to me at first, but I've gotten to the point that I realize they're just #meangirls.... a hashtag that they openly ascribe to on instagram.
That experience soured me a bit to the IG WLS community. I haven't been on IG nearly as much and I didn't want to trash talk those girls so I kept my experience mostly to myself. But then yesterday i was talking to Erica and I told her what happened. She is coming to visit in October for the Obesity Help Conference and it made me realize when she got mad FOR ME how lucky I am for all of you who make a difference in my life.
I've met some amazing people on this journey through my blog. If having to meet a few assholes means getting to know all of you amazingly supportive people, I'll deal with that any day of the week.
Thanks for your love and support! <3
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
My sister's response to the photo made me tear up a little if I'm completely honest. She said she's proud of me and so glad that I am a successful person/good role model for my nephew. I really needed to hear that.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
So far, so good! I'm finally ready to unload the stuff I have been holding back for a while. When my love life is all jumbled up, I just stop talking about it on here.
The last you all heard of Mr. Banker, I was trying reeeeeeeeally hard to leave him alone. In fact, I succeeded completely for a month. During that month he kept messaging almost daily, but I was strong and didn't let him in for 30 whole days. It was hard. It was miserable. It really sucked.
And then one day I realized I was more miserable trying to stay away than I was with him and not in a relationship. And what do you know, when I let him back in, the relationship thing happened on it's own. Yes, that's right folks, Mr. Banker and I have finally admitted that what we have is a relationship. It's about freaking time!
But...when it rains... it pours. LIKE CATS AND DOGS type pouring.
During my month break from Mr. Banker, I met S. S was everything I was looking for in almost every way-- just not Mr. Banker. S and I spent a lot of time together and it was special. It was different. It was exactly how I wanted to be treated by someone. The problem was that no matter how great it was, it was missing the fire that I have when I'm with Mr. Banker. I finally decided I had to end the progression of things with S on New Year's Day when I had some HORRIBLE guilt. I knew as much as I enjoyed time with S, as long as Mr. Banker was there, he would always be the only one. It sucked ending things with S--knowing the hurt that I caused and also it hurt me as well. I miss the friendship most of all, and I can't have it.
Less than 24 hours after telling S how I felt, Robocop showed up out of nowhere. He was promising the world-- basically offering me a lifetime of happiness. In case you all have forgotten, we had ups and downs back in 2012/2013 when I eventually chose Mr. Banker over Robocop. Robocop is stable and caring but we had our own set of issues- mostly that he wasn't sure he wanted any (more) children and my life would be incomplete without them. With all his 2015 promises, for about 12 hours, I thought I was going to try to dump Mr. Banker. I even told Mr. Banker what was going on and later had much regrets about that. Moral of the story-- you can't trade security for love.
So after those two incidents, it does seem that Mr. Banker and I are back on the right track. It's been about a month and things have been great. We've been spending a lot more time together and he's been using words like "forever" and I just have to trust that no matter how different our communication skills or love languages, we both care deeply for each other and will find our way back to one another. It's been almost 2 years and somehow we keep finding our way back to each other, and in Mr. Banker's words... "we always will".