Sunday, July 28, 2013

What does losing 95 pounds look like?

1. Happiness

2. Confidence

3. Health

This photo was taken exactly a year apart:

July 2012 I weighed 344
July 2013 I weigh 249.5

My friend in the photo with me has spent the last two years getting into better shape and losing 35 pounds. I'm so proud of her too!

This photo is the perfect reminder of all that I've gained by losing!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Charlotte + Electric Run + TI (the rapper, yes)

I'd like to start by thanking each of you reading and making me feel better about the tutu. I am so glad I ended up going, it was one of the best/most interesting nights I'd had in a long time.  You were all right also, I liked my tutu better.

I arrived in Charlotte and met up with an old college friend Kaleigh.  She is a runner but wasn't running the race with us.  Since she works in Charlotte and lives nearby, she joined the night's festivities anyway.  When Patrice and Alexis arrived in Charlotte, we went to the hotel to check-in.  As we were standing there in line,  a short, cute guy walks by with body guards.

Holy Crap!  It's TI, the rapper!!!

It was a brief sighting, as he was leaving the hotel for a concert.  But, this set in motion a lot of excitement for the rest of the night.

We went upstairs and got ready for the race, wearing our ridiculous costumes with hats that had drink holders in them....  Here are a few pre-race pictures:

Me in my fun hat and tutu, with two bottles of wine.
Patrice, Alexis, Amber, and myself getting ready to run

The run wasn't so bad.  I ran/walked it and finished in 43 minutes.  It was fun, I enjoyed running on the PAVED track (screw the Color Vibe in the middle of a farm!).  Today my body is paying for it.

On our way home, we realized TI was behind us on the interstate!  So we sped up a bit, knowing we needed to beat him to the hotel to find parking, since he didn't need parking.  So we raced TI home!  How's that for a fun story.  And guess what?

We arrived JUST IN TIME!!!!
Yes if you look to the left, I'm in the background of this photo, WITH FREAKING TI!

Fun evening already!  And we hadn't even gone out yet!

So we got ready and to go out and had a few drinks.  Alexis had already left so just Kaleigh, me, Amber and Patrice went out.

Amber, Kaleigh, Patrice, and me

Me and Kaleigh

We went out in downtown Charlotte and all got much too drunk.  I had never gotten drunk with Kaleigh so it was fun to see a different side of her.
I'm exhausted today and will be doing it all over again tonight for the All White Affair.  Stay tuned for comparison photos from this year and last year!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

It's electric!

In about 22 hours I will be running the electric run 5k with Patrice and 2 other friends. Exciting? I guess.

I was really excited about my mini trip with friends until Wednesday...then my spirit got broken.

When I first signed up for the electric run in April with Patrice, she couldn't stop talking about us getting together to pick costumes to run in. The VERY FIRST THING I said was "I don't care what we wear, just please keep my body type in mind." Patrice was insistent I'd be at my goal weight by the race, but I knew I wasn't going to lose 80 pounds in 4 months. As someone who has never struggled with her weight, I guess she has no concept of how difficult it is or how long it takes to lose a total of 150 pounds. Anyway, she finally agreed to be mindful of me with whatever she picked.

Two weeks ago, she sent a link to a light up tutu one of the girls purchased for the race. It was cute....but it was "one size fits most", and according to the sizing chart, "most" are an 8-10. I responded the tutu wouldn't fit me and she only said "ok" so I assumed that meant "ok we will pick something else".

By Wednesday, when Patrice hadn't mentioned costumes with only two days left to the race, I asked. Apparently the three other girls chose to get the tutus anyway.

My feelings were so hurt. I cried for over an hour at work because I felt so left out. I even started to think about not going to the race anymore.

I took a few hours to think about it, and finally sent Patrice a text to tell her I wasn't going to Charlotte for the run. She asked why and I just told her I was hurt and upset that they would be so inconsiderate of my feelings. Apparently it hadn't occurred to her that I would feel this way and she offered to not wear her tutu so I would feel more comfortable. That wasn't the point.

I appreciate the after thought, but it just reminds me of why I don't want to be the fat friend anymore! I guess I'll just file this away in my motivation folder and move on.

I ended up buying some Tulle and making my own tutu. It isn't fancy, sexy, and have lights on it like theirs, but it will have to do. I feel a little like a cow in it too, but I want to wear it anyway.

Hopefully it can still be a good night :-/

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Not-Quite-Ten Things Tuesday?

1.  I am procrastinating work, and although I know it is not Thursday yet, I have a bunch of little things I want to post about.

2.  My mom made her WLS consultation appointment for September 25.  I was really happy for her, until the person she talked to on the phone told her that the Lap Band was outdated and they prefer RNY or GSV.  I hope they don't talk her into doing something she doesn't want to do....

3.  Last night I made a really good dinner for myself and the Banker. 

Chicken Cutlets
Aloutte low-fat Spinach and Artichoke

I put cut 3 chicken cutlets into 4 pieces each and then laid a piece of procciutto on top, just enough to cover the chicken.  Then put a dollop of the aloutte in the middle, folded the chicken over and stuck it on a skewer.  I baked these in the oven for about 30 minutes at 350degrees, covered with tin foil to keep the moisture, then baked another 10 minutes uncovered to let them brown a little.  They were awesome!  Served with Baby Red potatoes.

4.  Does anyone watch SCANDAL?
It is the only show on TV that I watch.  I'm super excited that one of my closest friends is having a Scandal themed birthday party in September.  I know that's a while away, but last year's theme was Bar Golf, and it was just one week before surgery.  That will be a fun photo comparison....

For Scandal watchers, I believe I'll be Quinn.  The Birthday Girl is the only one allowed to come as Olivia Pope. 

5.  It is going to be a busy weekend!  Friday is the Electric Run in Charlotte, Saturday is the All-White Party in Raleigh, and Sunday is a family reunion in Charlotte.  Not sure I'm going to be able to make that 4 hour round-trip drive on Friday AND Sunday.
But I can't wait to re-take the All-White Party photo from last year!
6.  I wish there was more time in the day for all the things I want to do.  Lately I feel like my schedule is so full, anyone who wants to see me has to make advanced plans.  It's a nice problem to have, but sometimes I just need some me time.  Last night, Banker asked me what I have planned the rest of this week, and when I finished going through each night he said "OK, so let me know if you have a cancellation and can fit me in sometime."

7.  I've got baby fever something serious.  No one on my team at work is pregnant for the first time since I joined this team two years ago.  Hmmmm... just kidding.
8.  I think I fell in love with Vanessa at Athena Banded Warrior when reading her Rants yesterday.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Back to Reality + Being Called "Fat"

Happy Monday!

I woke up...or rather, was woken up, to an unexpected compliment this morning.  My phone kept going off before 6am, so I woke up to find several facebook messages from a friend I made in March at Steffi's wedding in Germany- Ruth.  She told me she could tell I've lost a lot of weight and wanted to know how.  Explaining the Lap Band surgery to my friend and her husband in Germany was quite hard, and I don't think they ever really understood what it is or what it does, so I decided to just tell Ruth about all of the habit changes I've made-- no bread, no pasta, no rice, no soda, and lots of exercise! 

It was nice to hear that people can tell just from pictures!

I'm back at work this morning after my beach weekend, and thankful it is another 4 day workweek.  Electric run in Charlotte on Friday night!

The beach was okay... definitely not what I expected.  There was a lot of BFF decided to invite another girl.  Since she was paying for the trip, I didn't say anything about it, but this other girl was NOTHING BUT DRAMA.  I don't do drama, so I ended up keeping to myself most of the time.  Her husband showed up half way through the trip, which I thought was rude.  Even my BFF didn't know he was coming to crash our girls' weekend.

But do you know what takes the cake?  Her husband called me a "fat bitch".  I was so caught off guard.  First of all, that his wife didn't say something to him.  I would never allow my spouse to disrespect any woman like that.  Not to mention she was quite a bit bigger than me, so I couldn't believe he would say that.  I was a little tipsy at the time.  Normally I would not confront someone about talking trash to me, but I guess I had a little liquid encouragement.  I simply said to him "When you have lost 90 pounds, and worked HALF as hard as I have, and run a 5k, then you have the right to call me fat.  Until then, shut your mother f***ing mouth."  That was the last thing I said to him the entire trip. 

I'm not sure I would've had the confidence to stand up for myself 10 months ago.  I think this is the first time I've been called fat since surgery.  It didn't hurt my feelings as much as it just made me angry.  I guess it didn't hurt my feelings since I don't really FEEL fat anymore.

So glad to be away from those drama-filled people!

I'll be needing another beach trip in my near future to rectify this one!

With my BFF on the Beach

In the hotel room before going out Friday night
Laying on the Beach

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Ten Month Bandiversary Weigh-In + TTT

1. Lowest weight since high school alert!
Sorry it's hard to read, that says 253.2

Yesterday was my 10 month Bandiversary, and I'm down 91.2 pounds!
Today's weight is 2.8 pounds down from Dr. Yoo's recorded weight last week, but only .8 pounds down from a couple of weeks ago when I bought this new scale.

2.  Does anyone else feel a little star-struck when LBG comments on your blog and gives you a compliment?
It's like a Angelina Jolie just stopped you to tell you you have pretty lips or something.

3.  Random thought as I eat them, but Reduced Fat Wheat things remind me of what I think cardboard would taste like.

4.  Beach tomorrow!
I have known my best friend for 11 years and we've never gone on vacation together, so I'm totally excited.

5.  Speaking of the beach, I got a new rockin Jessica Simpson bathing suit last week!

6.  It is hot as hell here lately!
I went for a walk with a friend yesterday, and it was seriously so hot.  We were so sweaty after 25 minutes!
She is not out of shape, and even she was ready to be done!

7.  Work is really not getting any better.
I'm officially the Study Coordinator and Lead Data Manager on a new study.
These 2 titles are usually held by 2 separate people.
They are also both above my pay grade.
Yet I'm doing them both and not getting rewarded for it.  It's quite frustrating.

8.  A former friend's brother died this week and it really affected me in a way I don't understand.
She and I haven't spoken since January, but for some reason I wanted to reach out to her.
I didn't want to call or text, I'm not sure either of those would really be welcome, and if they were, I didn't want to open lines of communication.  I'm good without her in my life anymore, probably even better, but it doesn't mean I am not sad for her family.

I opted for a card.

9.  If you ever read my TTT and wonder what the order means:
 I always make #1 my weigh in and #10 my favorite thing to say.

10. I'm kind of smitten with the Banker.
I really wanted to see him last night before I leave town today, unfortunately he wasn't feeling all that well.
We texted most of the evening, but then right before bedtime, he asked me to facetime him so he could see me.  I thought this was really sweet.  <3

I hope he's as into me as I am into him.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Learning to Live in Your Own Skin

It's kind of ironic that I didn't start to find comfort in my own body until the last three my highest weight ever.

I was always the biggest kid.  Although several years younger than my sisters, I always looked their age.  I was as tall and big as them for as long as I can remember.  That is until around fourth grade, and I became taller.  I've been the same height, 5'9, since fifth grade.  In addition to my height, I was always the biggest kid.  It wasn't easy being taller and bigger than everyone else.

Then in eighth grade, after not making the basketball team, I joined weight watchers at 220 pounds.  The truth of the matter is that I stopped eating.  I only ate egg whites and green beans, and OCCASIONALLY had a SmartOnes frozen dinner.  I drank cans of diet soda to fill me up in the mornings.  Looking back, I know that what I was doing wasn't healthy, but it worked!

In 6 short months, I was 160 pounds.

But I still wasn't happy.

I couldn't shrink to 5'nothing, like my sisters.  I didn't have their dark hair and eyes.  They were always beauty queens in the parades (no, this isn't an exaggeration), and I always felt like the ugly duckling.  I always felt like I was STILL too big!

I hated pictures of me...

Age 14 (165 pounds), and I hated this picture because I thought my arms and face were too fat.

Age 15, and I hated this pic because my hips were so wide.

Age 15, and I hated this pic again because of my hips.

Age 16 (180 pounds), and I thought my legs looked like tree trunks.

It's funny how perception on these things can change.  I wasted so much time hating my body!

This continued until college.  Until I met my ex who two years later I found out was married.  He showed me that I should feel beautiful how I was.  He always made me feel good about myself, regardless of the fact that my weight was the highest I'd ever been.  If there's anything I can be thankful for when it comes to him, I think he taught me to love myself.  I remember him telling me once that I couldn't love him until I loved myself.  Thankfully, when the relationship ended, I didn't go back to the place I was before meeting him.

I think no matter who you see when you look in the mirror, you should find something nice about yourself.  Even on my worst days, I try to think one positive thing about myself every time I look in the mirror.  Even when I haven't showered and I'm feeling ugly, I can at least come up with "I'm a good friend" or something non-appearance related.

Regardless of how you feel about yourself today, there may be a day that you look back and realize you spent too much time worrying about things that didn't matter and this day in your life was really better than you thought at the time.  Be happy with yourself today.  I didn't get to 344 pounds overnight, and I'm not going to get back to 200 that way either, so I don't want to waste the time in between lamenting for something I'm not, or comparing myself to someone I can never be.

Focus on your goal, but don't lose sight of today in the process :)

Monday, July 15, 2013

Weekend review

Do I really have to wake up in 6 hours? Ugh.... Yes I do.

It was a long weekend. I went to my parents' house per my usual every 4 weeks routine. To accommodate my parents work schedules, I usually go when their schedules line up to both work all weekend so that I can babysit their 8 dogs. It is usually a nice vacation for my pup, as he loves to ride in the car and has 6 lady friends at their house.
Here's my sweet pooch on the ride back to our house.

Friday was my first day of real food since Thursday's fill and it quickly became apparent to me that my band isn't even close to as tight as it should be. I scheduled my next fill at the 5 week mark but I will be calling tomorrow to hopefully reschedule that.

Saturday I ate a whole myself. At least it was a healthy option. My other food choices weren't the greatest. It is always hard in their house, but that may change soon as my mom has been thinking more and more about being banded. I wish she would just try giving up carbs on her own, but I don't think it will happen. I really do support her decision either way.

When I got home from my parents house, the Banker came over. We grilled out-chicken and squash. It was very good. I ate one chicken cutlet and a few pieces of squash. It took me so long to eat my tiny plate that he had three plates of food. It really isn't fair how skinny he is! But he never says anything derogatory about how little or how slowly I eat, and that's such a nice change!

I can already tell Im going to be in trouble with him. I like him a lot already. My face always hurts from smiling when he leaves. I wish I could post a photo with him, but out of respect for his privacy I won't. I just think he's so cute that I want to show him off. We are the same height...5'9... He is tan with brown/black curly hair, has a goatee, and a slightly crooked smile that I think gives him character.  And when he smiles his whole face lights up.  Originally from Rhode Island (something about a northern accent just does it for me), a little too thin, and a sharp dresser. His sneakers always have to perfectly match his clothes. Anyway, sorry to gush over him, I guess I just didn't realize how much I was missing him the month we weren't communicating.

Imagine how embarrassing it would be if he found my blog with a quick google search?

Anyway, that was pretty much my weekend. I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow. They're going to be so angry when I tell them tomorrow that i will be taking the next TWO Fridays off. 4 day work weeks!

Next weekend I will be in Myrtle Beach, SC with my sugar-momma BFF who decided to take me on vacation (thankful for her!) and the following week I will be running the Electric Run in Charlotte, NC.

Happy Monday ya'll!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Fill/Weight Records

I snapped this picture at the WLS office this morning:

There's 12 fills (and an unfill) listed.  Along with my weights.
If you calculate my fills in the net column, it appears I have 8.4 CC's in a 10 CC band.  I'm not sure if that's accurate... I always wonder if SOME saline does disappear somewhere in the body?  Would be interesting to find out.

Anyway, as always Dr Yoo was happy with my progress.  I just noticed today's date is wrong on the is 7/11, not 6/11.  He said there wasn't much fat on my port anymore and mentioned maybe needing a lower profile port in the future.  I reminded him that we went for a low profile port the first go around, and he confirmed it once he looked under fluoro.  Dr Yoo said that before Allergan sold the LB System, they were working on an even lower profile port, which may be an option in the future.  I'm not sure I'd want to pay more money to get a smaller port though.  We will see.  It was kind of amusing to hear him say he was worried about my port being too pronounced soon, when 8 months ago he said my stomach had too much fat for him to access the port without fluoroscopy.  He had to ruin that happy moment by also mentioning my loose skin.  Le sigh.

In other news, I went to get measured for new bras yesterday.
Prior to surgery I was a 44DD
Now..... 38F!!!

Yes F.
As in WTF.

Happy Thursday...It's almost the weekend!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Final Farewell + My Dirty Laundry

Disclaimer:  None of this is WLS related

So about a month ago, I was struggling with whether or not to try to move forward with Banker/Robocop.  I thought I wanted Banker but he seemed to disappear while Robocop was treating me like I felt I deserved.  So since the day I first saw Robocop, I didn't see Banker...until Friday.  And I felt terribly GUILTY.  Sunday when I saw Robocop, I could hardly even speak to him, because I felt that I was going to spill all my secrets and tell him I'd seen Banker Friday evening after work.

So knowing all that, maybe I was just looking for a way out.  I'm not sure.

Last night, Robocop came over and he was playing on his brand new Kindle Fire.  I noticed he'd downloaded the dating site app and I thought that was curious.  He took a nap and I decided I'd look if there was no password.  I know, I know....snooping isn't good.  I don't want to be a snooper.  But I did it anyway.  Instead of going to the dating app, my fingers somehow navigated to his facebook.  I was appalled at his private messages.

How could I feel guilty about seeing one person, and he was consistently talking about sleeping with other people???  Men!

When I confronted him, I didn't tell him how much I'd read, and he swore he hadn't slept with anyone else.  His words got nasty because I'd been sooooo wrong to invade his privacy.  Yes, I was wrong, but my wrong does not negate his.  I apologized for looking through his private belongings, but he never had any apology for how hurt I was over the things I'd read.

I don't know if I was acting out of my own guilt or seeking a way out, but I definitely read more than I needed to know that he wasn't the one for me.  I'm pretty hurt over it, but not surprised.

At least I still have Banker.  I was honest with him about Robocop and he was happy with my honesty.  I may be a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them.  Had Robocop asked me, I would've told him too.

Monday, July 8, 2013


Good morning!

I really don't have time to blog... I have 3 big deadlines before Wednesday all on projects I haven't really started, but I needed to clear my mind, and blogging does that.

I did a lot of reflecting this weekend.  I can't believe it has been one year since I first decided I'd be getting banded--one of the most important decisions of my life thus far.

July 4, 2012, I laid on a beach in Miami and decided my life HAD TO CHANGE.  
And I'm so thankful every day for that decision, and for my lap band.

July 4 cookout with one of my best friends :)
I took this yesterday, because a year ago, I never wore my hair up by choice.  I always kept my hair down, because I wanted to hide my fat face.

I know that I am still a big/plus size girl, but I haven't felt so confident in at least 10 years.  I don't think losing 90 pounds looks as different as I might have imagined it would, but it sure does feel different.  

Want a reminder of what I looked like with an extra 90 pounds of fat?

Summer 2012 with my Sis and Nephew in California

I just feel really positive about my decisions and all the changes I've made since last summer.  It feels so good when people tell me that I motive/inspire them.  Some 'healthy weight' people have told me recently that I inspire them to work out harder because they've seen me busting my ass.  That feels better than I can possibly put into words.

I have been struggling with some tough things about work and dating, so I just really wanted to focus on something positive today!

Happy Monday Everyone :)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Naughty Knickers do you know you have lost enough weight that you NEED to buy new panties?

When you're walking around Walmart in a dress and are terrified the next step is going to be the one that ends in your knickers around your ankles....

and then it does.

Wow...I hope no one had their camera out waiting for a People of Walmart moment, because if they were, I gave them one.  Standing there in the produce isle, suddenly my undies are around my ankles and I didn't know what to do.  I quickly stepped out of them, bent down, picked them up, and left (groceries in the cart left right where I was too). 

So embarrassed!

I thought that would give you all a laugh for the day, hope you crack a smile at my expense.

Moral of the story:  Don't wait too long to buy new panties once you know they're too big!

Monday, July 1, 2013

A new venture--- Burn Bootcamp

Good morning everyone!


Friday, a coworker invited me to join a 2 week free membership with her to Burn Bootcamp.  Her friend just opened a new women's only fitness center called Burn Bootcamp (it's a chain) and it really kicked my ass this morning!

I never thought anything would make running seem easy!

So here's the rotation we did, 60 seconds for each exercise, repeating reps as fast as possible:

1. Hot Potatoes:  squats while throwing a 5 pound weight from one hand to the other
2. Elevated hip bench presses: shoulders were on a padded block, feet on the floor, hips and back parallel to the floor, while 'pressing' two 15 pound weights.
3. Double ropes: making these heavy ass ropes sway like a snake
4. Single rope: "rowing" with the rope (body facing the rope)
5. Quick jump kicks: tapping a half ball with each food as fast as possible
6. Modified half squats and tricep extensions
7. Pushups on the exercise ball
8. Knees balancing on the half ball while lifting 5 pound weights

Sorry I'm not all technical here.
I felt good finishing one round of the 8 set rotation.  Until I realized we were doing it 3 times non stop. 

After finishing the 3 rounds, we did some ab exercises for 5 minutes.

Wow, my body is already sore today, I'm going to be HURTING tomorrow morning.  And then I'll wake up and do it all again.

By the way, did I mention I had to wake up at 5:15am to get this in before work?  YUCK!