Saturday, October 1, 2016

The struggle

I'm struggling.

I got out of my gym contract but my former trainer's words really messed with me. I've been attending the new gym here and there but I don't think it's quite right for me. I don't feel comfortable with the child care there so I don't think I'll be going anymore. I need to find something but gyms with child care are difficult to find.

I've contemplated running. A jogging stroller would only cost me about the same as a month's gym membership. I hate running, but I love the results. I always lose weight when I do HIIT cardio.

I hate that I let words affect me to the point of losing my motivation. I need the exercise mentally, but I just can't find the physical drive to go right now.

I hope I figure something out soon.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

A(nother) new start

I'm an ESFJ (Myers-Brigs assessment).

My weaknesses, if you're interested:

  • Inflexible 
  • Reluctant to Innovate or Improvise 
  • Often Too Needy 
  • Too Selfless
This basically explains everything that is wrong with me.

And explains why I'm so averse to change.  I HATE change.  And it feels as if the only constant in my life right now is change.

First, the end of my relationship with Mr. Banker.
Losing my church (also a result of Mr. Banker).

Now losing my gym/trainer.

The good and bad news is that the owner of the gym let me out of my contract.  That's good because I really don't think I could've worked out with old trainer again after last week.  The bad news is that prior to Thursday, I really did like him as a trainer.  I'm also losing the support of all of the women at the gym.  

That's hard but I think this is the best case scenario.

My old trainer from 3 years ago opened her own gym.  It used to be pretty far away from me, but I just found out her gym has moved just miles from me.  It's similar in workout routine....

45 minute
Rotating body systems
Boot camp style

but it's smaller.  I went today and yesterday and it was just me and one other girl working out with me.  I hope I can adjust to this change.

I really do need the exercise.  It puts me in a better mental place than I've been in years.

Thursday, September 15, 2016


Today my trainer called me a failure.

It's been 5 hours and I can't sleep.

All he sees is that I've been at the gym for 2.5 months and haven't lost one pound. That's right.... Not one effing pound. On HIS nutrition plan.

Which I've felt wrong about since the beginning.

So I finally made an appointment to see my surgeon. He confirmed what I already felt. 1900 calories is too many. He told me to cut them down.

But he also said I'm doing great and i might have to come to terms that this is the healthy place that my body wants to stay. And I should be happy with that. Easier said than done, but I'm in a MUCH better place than I was 4 years ago before surgery.

Sooooo.... then I went to the gym tonight. Before class I gave my trainer a little summary of today's appointment. He was not at all happy with being told that his nutrition plan was wrong for me. Then he took it a step too far. He told me that he has 10 other weight loss surgery patients and I'm not only one not losing weight. The conversation ended there.

Workout begins and I'm feeling some type of way about the previous conversation. And that feeling just builds. Until I'm running and trainer and I have a second alone so I nonchalantly let him know that his comment bothered me.

After class was over, I wanted to let him know why. So I told him that comparing two weightloss surgery patients is unfair. We each have different circumstances, different surgeries, different surgery dates. I'm not the same as someone who is 12 years or 6 months out from surgery. Instead of backing off he told me he's only with me for 3% of the day and he can't control what I do the other 97% of the day and maybe I'm not losing because I'm not trying hard enough. And he doesn't want me to keep failing because that's a reflection on him.

Fail?!?! Me?

That's hard to hear as the 344.4 pound woman I used to be.

I don't even know where to go from here. The truth is, I'd probably quit today if I didn't have a contract. I do not want to see him. I don't want to high 5 him as I work out. I really don't know what to do....

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Just keep swimming

Hi Bloggers!

I try to keep my motivation to blog, but it's really hard.  I hate being a negative nancy, so I want to blog happy things, but life isn't all rainbows and butterflies.  But I'm here anyway, because several weeks ago, a follower contacted me on facebook to tell me I have really inspired her and made a difference in her life.  She isn't someone who ever commented on my blog or anything like that, so you never really know who you're inspiring.

I have been going to Boot Camp religiously, but the scale hasn't moved.  I'm sitting pretty on this plateau, and although it's frustrating, I'm not surprised.  My trainer has changed my eating habits and quite honestly, I'm terrified.  He has me eating 1900 calories a day and keeping my macros at 45% protein, 35% carbs, and 20% fat.  As a weight loss surgery patient, eating 1900 calories a day is SCARY.  I can't help wondering if this is why I haven't seen a change in the scale.  I have an appointment with my weight loss surgeon in a couple of weeks and I intend to have a very serious conversation with him about all of this.  I'm 4 years post-op (2 years post-revision).... is my diet where it should be?  Luckily I've been tracking everything for about 5 weeks so I will have something tangible to show him.

Life outside of the gym is hectic.  I've been super sick for about 2 weeks and it's exhausting.  Custody stuff is coming up next week as well.  If you're the praying type, please pray that the best outcome for Xavier is the result of the upcoming proceedings.  For now, I'll just listen to Nemo and just keep swimming.

With all of the custody stuff coming, I am afraid that breastfeeding may come to an end if I have too much time away from my son.  I did a breastfeeding shoot recently to commemorate those special moments, thought I'd share some with you here.

Love how he's grabbing onto my excess skin in that first photo...

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bootcamp Addict

Hi Weight Loss Bloggers!

It's my third full week of boot camp and it was EXACTLY what I needed.
I feel refreshed and renewed.
My stress level is better than it has been in a long time.
I feel like I am getting physically and mentally healthier every day.

I really lack self-motivation to work out, so the trainer lead classes are perfect for me.

In addition to the gym, I'm tracking my nutrition every day.  I am actually doing really well.
The more I exercise, the more hungry I am.
As a weight loss surgery patient, that is SCARY.

But I recognize it is my metabolism speeding up.
I also know the importance of eating enough to produce milk for my baby, so I am letting my body lead me.  
Last week I was SO hungry.  I couldn't stop myself from eating.  So I ate a pack of TUNA.

But I figured if I was hungry enough to eat a 3rd lunch, it should be something I hate.
That proves it was body hunger and not head hunger.

Just wanted to stop in for a quick update.

If you've been thinking about getting back into working out but putting it off, STOP!

It isn't just good for your body, it's good for the mind.  <3

Until next time...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Back at it

The stress associated with breaking up, custody, and work is really starting to get to me. I got to a point that I wanted a drink every day after work, but I made the decision not to drink when alone in the company of my child, so that wasn't working out for me. So today I made the decision to go back to boot camp.

A new location of Burn Bootcamp opened closer to my house... About 15 minutes away. I used to go to a different location of this franchise prior to my revision surgery. If there's a Burn Bootcamp in your location, I recommend it highly. It's some of the most intense workout you can possibly fit into 45 minutes.

And I'm scared!

I'm terribly out of shape.

And let's be real, I'm lazy.

But I need to do something to help with my current stress level. Correction....i need to do something HEALTHY to deal with it. We all know there are plenty of unhealthy things I could do, so I'm proud of myself for choosing a healthy alternative to the daily glass of wine the minute my work day is done.

Tomorrow is day 1. Say a little prayer for me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

To my sweet boy

I'm so full of emotion right now, and I don't know where to put it.

The moment I first saw you, I realized I'd never known love before. As much as I thought I'd loved your father, it was nothing compared to the rush of love that came over me in the moments after your birth. I could hardly speak or move, I was so overcome by the feeling of love.

Each day that passes, that love only grows stronger. Your father and I love you immensely. Just because we couldn't love each other the way that we deserve, doesn't mean we don't each love you with every part of our being. I want you to know that you are my world.

I often feel apologetic when I look at you. I'm sorry that you won't know the love between your mother and father. I'm hopeful that one day I can show you blog posts of how deeply I fell in love with your dad and you'll know that you truly were made with the deepest love. I hope that you can forgive us for not knowing how to love one another, and believe that I did everything I could to give you the best life I could.

I love you, my son.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Thank YOU!!

I still have readers? I had no idea!

Thank you for your love, prayers, and support. It means so much to me. This community is so awesome. The women i know through blogging have been such encouragement and support beyond weight loss and I owe you all so much gratitude.

As a thank you, I'd love to share some photos of my little love, my life, Xavier. Hope you enjoy his face ALMOST as much as I do!

Tuesday, May 31, 2016


I haven't been here in a while.  I have really been avoiding it.  And I don't think anyone really reads anymore.  Most of my favorite bloggers don't write anymore.

As far as my weight goes, I'm actually really doing okay.  Considering everything I've been going through and having a 6 month old baby, I can't believe I haven't turned to emotional eating.  It just isn't my outlet anymore.  I find joy in my baby boy, in the love of my friends and family, in knowing I'm bettering myself...instead of one bite after another of food.

The last 5 months have been hell.  One fight after another lead Mr. Banker to threaten to move out almost daily.  The breaking point came when I saw a text message between him and a woman he cheated on me with while I was pregnant.  I was done.  I am done.  I'm done being played for a fool.  I'm done being anyone's doormat.  I'm done giving everything I have to someone and receiving little or nothing in return.  So that next day, I changed my locks on my house and moved most of his clothes into my garage.  The day following, his friends moved the rest of his stuff out.

So, my world has been a whirlwind- and not in a good way.  My heart is completely broken.  I had all these hopes and dreams that I now know will never come to fruition.  When Mr. Banker asked to move in after I became pregnant, I thought that was a turning point for us.  Then when he delivered our son, I thought nothing could break up.  I was wrong.

I'm trying to find the bright spot in this and know it is best to deal with all of this now while Xavier is young so that he won't remember it.  Every part of me hurts over this, so if you're the praying type, please pray for strength and comfort.


Sunday, March 13, 2016


Tomorrow I have a follow-up with my wls office. I'll see my wonderful, amazing, lovely PA Erica. I absolutely adore her. She is caring and personable. During the battle for my revision with the insurance company, she kept me sane. She participated in my lap band procedure, most of my 30+ Lap Band fills, my revision surgery, and my gall bladder removal. I think so highly of her that for some time I considered that I'd love to go back to school to become a PA.... She truly inspires me. That dream was short lived, when I remembered all of my student loans, but if I ever win the lottery, I could follow through. I'd love to be the light in a sometimes otherwise difficult spot for other patients as she has been for me.

So needless to say, I'm pretty excited to see her tomorrow. I'm excited to share my progress with her. Nope, not at the goal number, but yes- I'm at the goal. Goal: mother. Goal: healthier. Goal: happy.

I'm including a recent photo that I snapped over the weekend. I hardly even recognize myself.

Monday, February 29, 2016

My weight loss journey as a Momma

There once was a time that I needed my blog to maintain my sanity.  I blogged every day sometimes.  Now, I can hardly find time or inspiration to write.

A part of it is that the weight loss stuff is great.  Am I at my goal weight? No.  Do I care? No.

I'm healthy and happy and that is more important than a number on a scale or the size in my jeans.  I have energy and I think I look good anyway, what others thing shouldn't matter should it?  I feel like I'm in the realm of "normal" for the first time in my adult life.  I still qualify as 'plus size' but what does that label mean anyway?

I can't promise I'll be here often, but I had something I want to put out there for any of you who are on the weight loss journey to become moms one day.  YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT SACRIFICING YOUR GOALS!  I'm 34 pounds lighter than I was the day I found out I was pregnant exactly one year ago this week.  I have a happy healthy baby boy and everything I ever wanted from this weight loss surgery.  Don't give up your dreams because you see other mommas struggling.  We each have a different journey and it's completely worth it.

Thursday, January 7, 2016


Happy 2016!

I hope you all had wonderful holidays and enjoyed all of the food and family associated with Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year and you're now getting yourselves back on track!

I had an amazing holiday season with my new family and somehow managed to not gain any weight.  I didn't lose any weight either though and I'm okay with that.  I am still pretty apathetic about my weight.  I'm not at my goal weight but I feel good, healthy and I am comfortable in my skin.  What more could I ask for?

Sure... I could ask to be a size 6, but how would that really make things better?  I don't really think it would.  I'm happy with my current weight and at this point, any more loss is just extra and a cherry on top!

I say all of that, however I did join a DietBet again.  I was really successful last time at losing weight at winning money ($292!!!) so I thought it would be a good way to keep myself on track and keep me from gaining.  I have to focus on losing to keep from gaining... I think if I ever got to goal, maintaining would be the hardest thing ever.

Anyway, I'm about 30# from the number goal that I always said I'd like to be at, but as far as life and non-scale victories, I'm right where I wanted to be.

After all, I had this surgery to be healthy (check) and to someday be able to be a mom (check!).  I won't get greedy, but I'll keep working hard.
Our first Thanksgiving (above)

Our first Christmas (below)

My sweet happy boy <3