Up and Down ;)

By that I mean my mood is UP and the scale is DOWN!!!

YES!  Can I get a high five? lol

I'm feeling good.  I don't know if the circumstances are just suddenly better or if the tiny dose of Effexor I'm on has taken effect, but I feel very good the last couple of days.  I haven't felt this good in a couple of months.  I am not 100% adjusted to the antidepressant, but I have started taking it at 4pm, so the worst of my side effects happen during my sleeping hours so it's bearable.  I've worken up at 4:30am nauseas, and so tired the last few days, but it is gone by the time I start work.

Things seem so much better with Mr. Banker.  Maybe things were never actually as bad as I perceived them.  Either way, I missed this feeling--the ease of it and the happiness I feel just hearing his voice. Tonight he said "I love your body" as a response to a picture I sent him.  I needed that validation that he is physically attracted to me.  It made me feel wanted and I really needed that from him right now.  In the same conversation, he said something else significant.  We were talking about being able to share your deepest secrets with someone, and he said "I don't think there's anything I wouldn't tell you".  I said "really?" in such a way that he knew I was genuinely surprised, so I explained my surprise.  His response was that he could think of 1-2 things that he isn't ready to share with me, but reassured me he'll get there at some point.  That's significant to me... that he feels comfortable telling me almost anything, and that he wants to be able to tell me the few things he isn't ready to share yet at some future time.  It made me smile to hear him say that.

I came up with what I want to do for him for his birthday.  It's totally cheesey, but I think/hope he will like it.  I can't write what it is that I'm doing, because I don't want to ruin the surprise for him if he's reading.  Yes, last week I told him I didn't mind if he reads (but who knows if he is or will).  I have nothing to hide.  My concerns were how he would react to :

A) My feelings for him

B) My weight

But if either of those are a deal breaker for him, it wasn't going to work out anyway.

And maybe reading my feelings will help.  I really suck at expressing my feelings TO the person I feel them for.  It is strange, because in general I think I'm very articulate and easy going, but when it comes to expressing my emotions to the person they apply to, I just shut down.  I know it is fear of rejection, but I don't know how to change it.  I think it would be better if I could get past it.  I'm much better at actions.  I feel like his Christmas/Birthday gift is a small thoughtful way of saying "Hey dude, I care", but sometimes words are just necessary.  I'm just no good with them.