Sunday, November 24, 2013

I spilled the beans... more specifically the L word bean...

Hope you all have had a great weekend!  Mine has been awesome :)  Lots of doing nothing with a couple of short runs thrown in, which is exactly what I needed.

Friday morning, I had a text conversation that really touched my heart.  Mr. Banker apologized for how he has treated me during this time that he's been depressed and said that I'm the last person who deserves to receive the bad end of it.  That meant a lot to me, not only was he apologizing, but also acknowledging that I really do a lot for him.  It didn't stop there though, he made sure to call me on his lunch break and say it again, so that I could hear him say it.  I love that.  I have always loved how well he communicates.  Yes, sometimes he shuts down and doesn't say anything.  But when he does speak, I trust what he's saying.  He never apologizes just to pacify me, so from him, I know an apology is genuine.

So after work Friday night, he came over to stay the night.  We drank wine and watched a movie.  Being around him makes me feel so happy and safe.  When we went to bed at midnight, the wine had me falling asleep pretty quickly, but I woke around 2:30am with lovey thoughts swirling around my head.  At this point, it was not the wine and I was fighting the words for almost an hour.  I thought Mr. Banker was asleep, and I wanted to hear those three words out loud, so I just said it.  His back was to me and it felt so good to get the words out.  But, unexpectedly, he was wide awake and we had a brief conversation about it and went back to sleep.  He could've pretended to be asleep so that he didn't have to acknowledge I said it, but he didn't.  He told me he really cares about me and held me for the rest of the night.  I slept like a baby.

In the morning, I feared I'd made a mistake, that he might distance himself or be weird about it, but he wasn't.  As usual, we texted throughout the day while he was at work and he called me after work, and we seem normal.

I'm still terrified of my feelings.

The last time I loved someone ended over two years ago and it tore my life apart when I found out it was ALL a lie.  I'm so scared of falling in love with a sham again.  I'm scared that Mr. Banker will never love me back-- although I do feel that he cares for me deeply, so I hope this isn't the case.  I get scared that with his depression, he will decide to move back to Rhode Island.  I am afraid I can't make him as happy as he makes me.

Scared or not though, the words are now out there.  He knows how I feel.  And he isn't running away.  I guess for now, all I can do is take that as a good sign that things might continue to grow between us and trust that things will work out however they are supposed to-either way.

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