I have a confession to make.
This is going to be a deeply personal post. I don't know how long I will allow it to remain public, but I have all these thoughts circling my head, it is late, and I need to put them somewhere.
No, I have NEVER cut myself. I'm creative. But I didn't fully understand what I was doing to myself until tonight.
Why do I do it? I don't know... maybe I have masochistic tendencies or maybe it is easier for me to hurt myself than for others to hurt me.
I believe it started at a young age. Feeding my feelings. I would eat until I literally hurt. I would eat until I could hardly move. This was my preferred method of self-harm for most of my life.
Then I did it in other ways in early adulthood. After Max, I cannot even put into words all the things I did to cover my hurt and self-loathing. I put myself in dangerous situations. I 'joked' on many occasions that I should be dead from the things I did. And yet I did them, knowing well that I might not walk away from them. And I was perfectly okay with that.
It took me about a year to even BEGIN to recover from Max, and then I had Lap Band surgery.
I could no longer self-harm with food.
I had stopped engaging in those dangerous situations, after one left me bruised up and kicked out of my home.
And I thought I was magically better. I do think I was better for most of the last year.
But then I did it Monday. And I knew I was doing it as I did it. As I sent Banker the text message to end our semi-relationship, I knew I was doing it for different reasons than I was telling him. I might not have been AS CLEAR on it then as I am now, but somewhere in there, I knew.
I told Banker we couldn't continue because he doesn't want a relationship...but really it was because I wanted to hurt myself before he could.
Just prior to deciding to send that message, I had come to the realization that I could love this guy. I wasn't sure, but if the word was coming to mind, there was something to it--at least the potential. And the last time I loved a man, it destroyed my life. So I wanted to take care of that business then and there. He could not hurt me if I did it before he could.
This is all so incredibly hard for me to admit. I think I need to work through this.
As for Banker, I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have ruined it. I sabotaged something good because I was terrified of the possibility of getting hurt. That was clearly not a well thought out plan.