Thursday, October 10, 2013

Self-Harm

I have a confession to make.

I

self-

harm.

This is going to be a deeply personal post.  I don't know how long I will allow it to remain public, but I have all these thoughts circling my head, it is late, and I need to put them somewhere.

No, I have NEVER cut myself.  I'm creative.  But I didn't fully understand what I was doing to myself until tonight.

Why do I do it?  I don't know... maybe I have masochistic tendencies or maybe it is easier for me to hurt myself than for others to hurt me.

I believe it started at a young age.  Feeding my feelings.  I would eat until I literally hurt.  I would eat until I could hardly move.  This was my preferred method of self-harm for most of my life.

Then I did it in other ways in early adulthood.  After Max, I cannot even put into words all the things I did to cover my hurt and self-loathing.  I put myself in dangerous situations.  I 'joked' on many occasions that I should be dead from the things I did.  And yet I did them, knowing well that I might not walk away from them.  And I was perfectly okay with that.

It took me about a year to even BEGIN to recover from Max, and then I had Lap Band surgery.

I could no longer self-harm with food.
I had stopped engaging in those dangerous situations, after one left me bruised up and kicked out of my home.

And I thought I was magically better.  I do think I was better for most of the last year.

But then I did it Monday.  And I knew I was doing it as I did it.  As I sent Banker the text message to end our semi-relationship, I knew I was doing it for different reasons than I was telling him.  I might not have been AS CLEAR on it then as I am now, but somewhere in there, I knew.

I told Banker we couldn't continue because he doesn't want a relationship...but really it was because I wanted to hurt myself before he could.

Just prior to deciding to send that message, I had come to the realization that I could love this guy.  I wasn't sure, but if the word was coming to mind, there was something to it--at least the potential.  And the last time I loved a man, it destroyed my life.  So I wanted to take care of that business then and there.  He could not hurt me if I did it before he could.

This is all so incredibly hard for me to admit.  I think I need to work through this.

As for Banker, I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know if I have ruined it.  I sabotaged something good because I was terrified of the possibility of getting hurt.  That was clearly not a well thought out plan.

5 comments:

  1. I actually fully understand everything you wrote about. I did the same thing in my 20's--the difference being that I had never had my heart broken--but I DO self sabotage. And I actually recognized it in myself--and by walking away from relationships before I let myself "love" the other person--I figured it was easier than having them break my heart. And of course, the physical eating until making myself sick (a few times until I vomited).

    We are who we are--and there are alot of reasons that we do the things we do. I don't judge you, because I swear to God that I think you are me, just 10 years ago.

    When you are ready, and you think you could handle it, apologize to Banker. He can either accept it, or he won't. If he won't, then it wasn't meant to be--or it's just not meant to be Right Now.

    You are welcome to email me or text me any time if you need to talk, okay? No judgements.

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  2. oh honey! I have done so many things to harm myself in similar ways. I still sometimes "punish" myself due to my irrational feelings. Please email me if you ever need to talk. erica121879 at yahoo dot com

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  3. Oh you poor thing... I can understand why you you what you did. If it's meant to be with the banker, then he'll forgive you and you guys can move on. If not, then maybe you've saved yourself some time and heartache, because if he can't understand where you're coming from or why you did what you did then I don't really think he deserves you. You need someone who can roll with the punches.

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  4. Yep...add me to the self sabotage list...Fior me its a self esteem issue...When you can't see how valuable you are it becomes easy to make very poor choices. Hoping Banker understands...

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  5. The stuff with Max is understandably devastating. I can see why new relationships starting to get serious/go well, could trigger some panic and pain. Have you worked with a therapist on any of this? You have great insight yourself, but it might help you manage the feelings and give you more support that you deserve, to keep processing the feelings and thinking through options of choices so you don't feel backed into the self harming reactive types of things, or can figure how to bounce back from them. ((((((((Hollee))))))))))

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