Sunday, October 20, 2013

Human Nature vs. Low Self Esteem

I struggle with this, because it's hard to figure out what is "normal" or positive self-esteem.  Sometimes I can say that I've always liked myself a normal amount, and other times I look back on situations and think "yeah, if my self-esteem was better, I wouldn't have been in that situation".  I do think that as a general rule, I think I'm a "good catch".

Tonight, Mr. Banker and I were talking about "being wanted" (physically).  I said that I think it is human nature to be wanted.  We have had a similar conversation regarding love.  But this time, he said "I think you need to be wanted more than the average person".  He didn't say this in a derogatory way, just a statement.  We agreed to disagree about it and moved on to the next topic.

But here I sit after our conversation at 3am still thinking about what he said.

Do I need to feel physically wanted as a result of low self-esteem?

Or do we all have this need to feel that?

I look in the mirror and I see an attractive person who has many of the things she wants/needs in life.  Yes, I see the extra weight I'm carrying around, but I don't think it defines me.  But maybe I have that need to feel wanted to prove that I'm better than I was 100 pounds ago.  I don't know what it is.  I really have never seen this need to be wanted as a problem, until he said that I need that more than other people.  The conversation wasn't at all a big deal, it was just something said in passing on another topic, but it really got me thinking about how I measure my self-worth.

I'd like to think that the two things aren't related, but if they weren't, I don't think this conversation would be bothering me.

I'd like to think that how many times I get hit on or asked out has nothing to do with how I measure my self-worth, but I think it must.  Think about it this way, if you went through life looking like a beauty queen, but not once did anyone tell you you were beautiful, you probably would not feel beautiful.  I think it's okay to gain some sort of confidence by other's perception of you, as long as that's not ALL you judge yourself on.



  1. I think that hearing those words from someone else is really more of a reflection of them. He feels that, it's not necessarily true about you. Especially coming from someone that has under committed to a relashionship with you. Don't try and squeeze into the box that someone else wants of you. I used to think there was something wrong with me too. I wanted too much, I was too easily hurt, I couldn't be loved.... I found a man that loves me more than I though was ever possible. It will happen for you too.

  2. New follower here. So I have no idea who "Mr. Banker" is in reference to you. I come with a clean slate, a woman with 62 years of experience, and I tell you that if a man says that to you...walk away if you can. He is not the man for you. Regardless of whether you are needy or not (basically what he was telling you, although he couched it rather nicely)...the right man for you will love you warts and all. Will not feel like he has to make concessions for you. This situation sounds exactly like out of the "He's just not that into you" book/movie. Don't sell yourself short, and certainly do not allow others to do it to you, even in a passive-aggressive way like he did.

    Can we all make improvements in ourselves? Sure. Yes. We should! But should we keep in our sphere of life those that aren't cheerleaders for us? No. Life is too short not to do our best to keep ourselves surrounded by cheerleaders. Trust me on that. One could say he was being a good friend and being honest. Sure. Maybe. But one wants the romantic lover in our lives to be fully supportive, not helping tear ourselves down.

    Just my outsider opinion.

    You are worth MORE than that!

  3. Truthfully, this is something that has been said to me in the past. So this all really has nothing to do with Mr. Banker. We are very (sometimes painfully so) honest with each other, so I don't think what he said was meant to harm in any way. Or to be passive aggressive or unsupportive. The first or second time it was said to me, I could go with the idea that it was just the people who were saying it, but I do think that anything Mr. Banker says to me is said with the best intentions.

    I guess I'm just wondering if this is 'normal' to use other's feelings toward us as validation? And even if it is normal, is it healthy? I don't know...

  4. It's very normal to look to others for validation... It's human nature. We want to be told that we are "normal" t out that we are doing a good job.... Remember the star stickers from school? A validation /reward system that is ingrained in us from the beginning.

    As for the , it's between you and banker on how it was said and interpreted. The ELB head told me that I am needy sometimes. And I am. And I probably rely on him for more than I should when it comes to love... But neither of us really has anyone else... So it's the two of us against the world... And he's just add needy as I am because of that.

    It's good that you and banker can be open and talk to each other about these things. Building a strong relationship takes time and effort. Yourgoing to get there.

  5. I know I am someone that longs to be needed and wanted and that it is a dangerous game to play but one I can't get out of. It isn't just love for me either, I need my friends to need me and want me too. I want to take care of everyone and if no one is needing or wanting me my normal panic grows and I worry that there must be something the matter with me. But I am for sure not normal haha. I have to assume you are way better in this category than I am and thereby I think you are totally normal by my standards :D