Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Little Pieces

I feel like I'm broken into little pieces on the floor right now.  When Mr. Banker is upset, he just shuts down.  It happened in June and in October.  And it is happening now.  None of these times was it my fault, but I feel as though I'm the one who gets punished for it.

Birthday gift #11 was tickets to a basketball game tonight.  We spoke over the weekend and decided we would go together.  Last night, however, Mr. Banker got some bad family news.  So this morning he asked if he could just come spend time with me and watch the game at home.  A part of me feels like I should've just done that, but I was really looking forward to this game.  I feel like I give up so much for him and he never does the same, so I said no.  It might've been different if we had been on good terms lately, in fact I'm pretty sure it would've been, but I'm tired of sacrificing for him and getting nothing in return.

Maybe that sounds selfish- but it's time for me to be selfish.

But I know how a man's brain interprets the situation.

Family tragedy + Hollee won't comfort me = Hollee is an inconsiderate bitch.

I just need to put myself first right now.  I have been asking him to communicate with me for two weeks and he just disappears any time I ask him a difficult question or say something he doesn't know how to respond to.  I really love him, but I can't keep being girlfriend Hollee to him, and staying home with him tonight is what girlfriend Hollee would've done.  I want to comfort him and make him okay with what is going on with him, why is it that he doesn't want to do the same for me?

I just want things to be okay.  I thought this bad stuff going on happened so we would end up together, but it is starting to seem it happened so that we would end up apart.


  1. oh that's heart breaking, and I'm so sorry -- it's hard to temper taking care of yourself and others when in a relationship and it's good to recognize when it's imbalanced (all the time -- it'll always be imbalanced, the point is as long as there are times when you get more and he gets more and it balances out over time). Keep taking care of yourself. Someone who appreciates that and who will cherish you will come into your life -- probably when you least expect it, OR mr banker might get a clue?

    1. Thanks for being so caring and not so hard on him. As upset/hurt as I am right now, I can't stand to hear anyone say negative things about him.

  2. I think you made the right decision. You have to put yourself first, yes seems selfish however if you don't, who will?