Hollee's Weight Loss Success Story ((in progress))

Has everyone see THIS STORY about the woman in North Dakota who has decided she's only giving candy to the kids she deems a 'healthy weight' and the 'obese' kids will get letters regarding their problem? I can't cover everything wrong with this in the 5 minutes I have on my break at work, but this PISSED ME OFF! First, who gives this woman the right to decide who 'deserves' candy and who doesn't?  I'm pretty sure she wont have her BMI calculator handy either. Isn't candy equally unhealthy for the kids who are 'acceptable' weights? Do you really think your letter is going to make the kids feel any better? I'm pretty sure if I was that obese kid that got a "You're fat" letter, I would just go home and eat the candy I got from the rest of my neighbors, to smother my hurt feelings. Lady, you're ridiculous.

They say the first step to getting better is admitting there is a problem. So I'm admitting there's a problem. Things aren't good in my head right now.  I can't really talk about it on here what is wrong, because I can't really put my finger on it.  I know it has a lot to do with my ex, Mr. Banker, my negative body image, and lack of support from friends lately. Today I looked up the number to my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will provide 4-5 free counseling sessions. It's a good start. On the weight loss front, I was on 90% liquid protein yesterday, and only brought protein shakes and a Greek yogurt to work today, so I'm trying to make changes in my diet as well.

I'm feeling discouraged. About everything really.  But definitely about my weight loss. I've bounced between 245-255 up and down for 3 months.  Yes, I know I've still lost 90+ pounds, but I still have so far to go.  I don't feel like I'm making bad food choices.  I know I haven't exercised as much as I should, but I started running again last week.  And still, I saw an EVEN HIGHER number this morning.  I was not at all happy with it. I even spent several hours researching corrective bariatric surgery on Saturday.  I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to go strict liquid protein diet for a few weeks and see how that goes to give me a "restart".  My fills just don't seem to give me the same "restriction" anymore.  I eat the amount of food I am supposed to eat, and I just don't feel "full" anymore.  I have to eat much more to not feel hunger, and that is discouraging. My band hasn't slipped.  I'v...

  Sorry bloggers, but please forgive me, I lied to you all. Thursday I said A didn't have birthday plans, but we had a "surprise" birthday dinner for her last night. Unfortunately I am the worst liar on the planet, and A wasn't the least bit surprised. E, Me, A, K, and OP  We went to a nice little Italian restaurant - Brio. This is the children's portion of Chicken Parmigana: Let me tell you all again how much I LOVE using my WLS card to order from the children's menu. That was supposed to be gluten free pasta, but I'm not convinced it was.  I had a few small bites of the pasta and wasn't feeling that great so I stuck to the chicken.  I ate two of those chicken tenders and was STUFFED! I'm getting concerned about my level of restriction.  I have 6.3 CC in my band.  I just really want to feel the restriction that I did in the beginning, but I don't. On Thursday, my PA Erica told me that after about a year some p...

That should be a thing.... #flashbackfatfriday  ...someone start it lol... So, it can be easy to forget how far you've come.  I'm good at it.  I'm good at focusing on the 50 pounds I have left to lose and forgetting the 100 I've worked so hard to get off.  So today I took a trip down memory lane. And I realized I really am smaller than I have been in over 10 years.  Want some proof? September 2007 College Best friends Jamison and Garrett December 2007 With Best friend  March 2008 Holding the Hollywood Sign September 2009 The night I thought OP was going to die of alocohol poisoning July 2010 Bridesmaid at Lo's wedding September 2011 Foreign exchange sisters <3 April 2012 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm going to spend the rest of the day celebrating the success and progress I've had so far, and kick this extra 50 p...

1.  Happy Birthday week to one of my dearest friends, A :) She is kind of boycotting her birthday this year, which sucks, but since we're not doing anything, I wanted to give her a special shout on my blog, and hope she reads! Happy Birthday A <3 2.  Why does Denny's always look so effing good on my drive from the Weight Loss Surgery clinic?  I swear, I pass a Denny's several other times a week, and never want it.  But it always looks SOOOO damn good after I've just gotten an adjustment and am not supposed to eat solid food for 24 hours. 3.  I saw my PA this morning and she reluctantly gave me a +0.5 CC fill, which puts me up to 6.3 CC total.  She says I'm really tight and requested I do liquids for 48 hours instead this time because I am REALLY tight.  Hopefully this is the adjustment I need to get me where I need to be to get off this plateau. 4.  Weight this morning was 254.4.  No change. 5.  I finally got off my as...

LBG posted this very thought provoking article  on her facebook about Allergan removing surgeons from their website for poor aftercare.  So I went on over to see if my mom's surgeon was listed.  Remember, the surgeon who was trying to push her away from the band, who told her the band doesn't work, etc. Surprise, he is not. That's sarcasm. But the real surprise was that my surgeon is not there either. Has anyone changed doctors after surgery for personal reasons (something other than moving)?  I'm not considering changing doctors, just a question out of curiosity.

I don't have anything TOO exciting to talk about... maybe I'm feeling kind of blah. Friday I felt soooo bad from not sleeping/being hung over after Thursday's UNC game.  I stayed home and made the copykat Wendy's chilli recipe.  It was pretty good, but I think I should've added just a little extra tomato juice since I drained all of the grease, just to make it a little more 'brothy'. Here's the recipe. Saturday I met Donna from Happily After Lap Band for lunch at a cute little Mexican Restaurant.  It was really great meeting her!  She is so easy to talk to and for me it is always nice meeting someone else who is banded and can understand the struggles that go along with being banded.  None of my friends "get it" the way you all do... while they're great and supportive, it is different to be able to talk to someone who has shared my experiences. After lunch, I met two friends and their kids at a pumpkin patch.  It really made me mis...

I struggle with this, because it's hard to figure out what is "normal" or positive self-esteem.  Sometimes I can say that I've always liked myself a normal amount, and other times I look back on situations and think " yeah, if my self-esteem was better, I wouldn't have been in that situation".  I do think that as a general rule, I think I'm a "good catch". Tonight, Mr. Banker and I were talking about "being wanted" (physically).  I said that I think it is human nature to be wanted.  We have had a similar conversation regarding love.  But this time, he said "I think you need to be wanted more than the average person".  He didn't say this in a derogatory way, just a statement.  We agreed to disagree about it and moved on to the next topic. But here I sit after our conversation at 3am still thinking about what he said. Do I need to feel physically wanted as a result of low self-esteem? Or do we all have this nee...

If you can tell how much fun you had by how bad you feel the next morning, I must have had a REALLY REALLY good time last night. Mr. Banker and I began talking about going to a UNC football game back in August.  With the help of a friend, we decided go to the UNC/Miami game months ago.  We have had a rough 3 weeks, so I wasn't sure we would still go.  Mr. Banker and I have been better the last week or so and decided to still go to the game. Mr. Banker and I both got off of work early.  I was supposed to go get another Lap Band adjustment before the game yesterday, but thanks to the help of my slightly-too-tight skirt, I could not keep food down yesterday and decided to cancel my appointment.  As soon as I changed my clothes, I was fine.  It was so strange, because I've worn tighter clothes before, I think it was just where the waistband fell that made me feel so sick.  It was a very high waisted skirt. Anyway, Mr. Banker met me at my house and ...

Just a quick post to share a photo from last night's Wine Night. It was supposed to be a fundraiser for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but not enough people showed up to do the art raffle. Oh well, I still had a good time with my friend A and got to sample 3 different wines from 3 different areas (hence the name Wine Flight). P.S.  I cut 8 inches off of my hair, did anyone notice? Probably not because it's still fairly long. Yesterday I woke up with my hair almost touching my butt, and went to sleep with it barely hitting my bra.

I had high hopes last week after seeing Erika.  But my band is just not tight enough. I like to be really snug.  I like to NEED to chew my food into oblivion to be able to swallow.  I like to PB when I make the wrong choices or don't follow the rules.  To me, it is a reminder that I need to slow down or make better decisions. I am close to where I need to be, but not quite there.  Yesterday I ate 3 Large Wendy's Chilis throughout the course of the day- it's all I ate yesterday.  Yes, I'm addicted.  I'd prefer to feel full after one of those, but I never really did.  That's my sign that I'm NOT QUITE where I need to be. Going back to see Erika again this week.  Hopefully she will give me a tiny adjustment to get me to where I need to be.  Maybe just +0.2 more....

I have a confession to make. I self- harm. This is going to be a deeply personal post.  I don't know how long I will allow it to remain public, but I have all these thoughts circling my head, it is late, and I need to put them somewhere. No, I have NEVER cut myself.  I'm creative.  But I didn't fully understand what I was doing to myself until tonight. Why do I do it?  I don't know... maybe I have masochistic tendencies or maybe it is easier for me to hurt myself than for others to hurt me. I believe it started at a young age.  Feeding my feelings.  I would eat until I literally hurt.  I would eat until I could hardly move.  This was my preferred method of self-harm for most of my life. Then I did it in other ways in early adulthood.  After Max , I cannot even put into words all the things I did to cover my hurt and self-loathing.  I put myself in dangerous situations.  I 'joked' on many occasions that I should be d...

So I think I have a girl-crush on my PA (Erica).  I was wayyy too excited to see her today.  It's been 8 months since I saw her and I smiled for probably the first time all week.  I'm down in the dumps... eating my way through my feelings.  So I knew I had gained weight, just wasn't sure how much as I refused to step on the scale after seeing 260 one night.  I was PISSED at myself. So I weighed 254 at the doctor this morning.  That's +3 pounds since my last adjustment.  I expected Erica to yell at me, but she didn't.  She didn't even bring up the gain, so I did it for her. Her response was "Hollee, you're doing great.  You're a phenomenal band patient.  Life happens, but here you are getting an adjustment anyway.  Let's just get your band tightened so you can keep up the good work." Then when she saw how fast the barium went through my band before my adjustment she said it was no wonder I'd been hungry and gained weight. So,...

Friday night was ladies night with some friends. I'm so glad we were all dressed up and looking smokin' hot, because guess who I ran into? Robocop.  But the title already told you that. And I bet you can guess from my picture that he was with a woman. I should mention that he was asking for another chance two weeks ago. Luckily I'm very happy with my non-relationship and didn't fall into that again. Anyway, seeing his date got me to thinking about some superficial things. How he always told me if I lost too much weight he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore.  The woman he was with was chunky, maybe my current size.  It always bothered me that he said he only liked bigger women.   Like what am I, just a size? I am more than my size.  I am smart and funny, and I like to think I am pretty regardless of the extra weight I'm carrying around, and definitely not BECAUSE of it for sure. Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling, and i...

1. The scale is not my friend today. When the scale is not being my friend, I decide to post pictures of what losing 100 pounds looks like instead. Here ya go! Hope you're not offended that the recent photo is under garments instead of a bikini. Same difference to me. 2.  I have had a really off week. Mr. Banker and I had a "fight" on Tuesday. I told him that his 'girlfriend' comment on Monday bothered me and he was very apologetic. But I didn't let it go there.  That was a mistake.  After he apologized, I should've been done.  But I was in a mood and I didn't let it go there.  So we went 24 hours without really speaking, which is very strange.  I apologized for 'pushing' and he again apologized for offending me, and we're back to almost normal. 3.  I have a story for you about Mr. Banker and how we met. Mr. Banker and I met online. That isn't the fun part of this story though. Two years ago, right after...

October 1, 2002 my grandmother passed away from complications related to obesity at the age of 67.  She had diabetes, congestive heart failure, and I never remember her being able to walk. I think of her often, and feel a little sad every year on the anniversary of her passing, but this year I felt extra sad. I can't figure out why this year was worse. Maybe I wish she could see my accomplishments now. Or maybe because I see dying from obesity as so avoidable with technology today. My grandmother was the sweetest woman I have ever known.  She was kind and would do anything for anyone.  But she was very sensitive and easily got her feelings hurt.  I am often told that I am just like her.  I hope that's true. I wish I could tell her that she inspired me to change my life.  That I am going to beat obesity because of how much I love her.  The day I told my oldest sister that I was going to be banded, her first response was "Grandma ...

TMI... but... I haven't had a (.) in about 3.5 years....Thanks to my wonderful IUD.  But I swear I am mentally PMSing (it might explain my weekend ice cream extravaganza). I am so moody and emotional. The littlest thing hurts my feelings right now. I almost told Mr. Banker I couldn't continue doing what we were doing last night.  Clearer heads prevailed, but I was really close to it.  It was over nothing and everything at the same time. The fact is, I have some serious feelings for him.  And I'm just not sure it's reciprocated.  I do know he likes me, but I'm not sure if "like" is enough. We got on the topic of birthdays, and how his memory sucks.  He asked my birthday to which I said I was surprised he didn't remember, because at the time he was the only one to pick up a phone and say "Happy Birthday" this year (my parents and friends I didn't see used texting or facebook instead...damn technology).  He said "I don't e...