Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
I have the solution just for you! The owner of Burn Bootcamp posted this workout for us yesterday in the event we could not make it to class:
Looks like I'll be repeating this workout today (but I'll shoot for 5 rounds), unless she posts another, because I am DEFINITELY snowed in now, there will be no chance of making it to class. I got about 3 inches of snow which I know to some of you is not a lot, but the roads here are just A MESS.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
I went to my parents' house (1.5 hour drive away) to puppysit for the weekend, as my dad was at the beach and my mom works 7am-7pm on Saturdays and Sundays. SOMEONE had to be there to look after their 8 dogs, and the 5 puppies that were born right before Christmas. Add my Wrangler and their house was a zoo this weekend!
The plan was to begin my drive right after bootcamp Friday, but I had such a long, rough day at work that I decided to just skip my workout and go home early so that I would have some time with my Mom. I'm SO glad I did. My mom is truly one of my best friends and it was great to spend time with her. We went out to dinner, and it was an epic fail for me....I PB'd a few times before giving up, and finished my dinner when I got back to their house.
Saturday it was just me and the dogs. That's LOTS of time to think. But, let me tell you...there is something about heartbreak that lights a fire under my ass and stirs up a crazy sense of productivity and need to change things. Last year, after Robocop, I began running and got the tattoo on my neck.
As you all know, Bootcamp is my recent physical activity to cope with my sadness.
Yesterday, something made me decide I'm going to re-paint the entire inside of my home in the near future. I've wanted to do this since buying my house almost 2 years ago, but since my house was painted only a month or so before I moved in, it seemed like a waste of money. But I'm sick of these beige walls everywhere!! I've decided on a light brown, medium brown, and lavendar scheme and am really excited! But it's going to be so. much. work.
Today, I was less productive, and sat down to watch some wedding TV on TLC.
Watching all those people in love made me think of Mr. Banker. I miss him. I really do. I know you all know there's been a lot of sadness associated with him lately, but there was a lot of happiness too.
In December, we went out one night to dance. The venue we went to was nearly deserted, but it didn't matter. We had a good time together. We danced to every genre of music that was played (hip hop, some 60's and 70's jazz and R&B), and at many times, we were the only ones dancing. And it didn't matter, because we were together and having fun. I always felt that way when I was with him... whether we were alone or around others, he and I were all that mattered.
I miss everything... I miss telling him about my day, emailing him throughout work, laying together on the couch. I hope the hurt goes away soon.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I was about 10 minutes early, so I texted him to say I had arrived. He called to let me know he was almost there and apologized that I arrived before him. I thought this was awesome, so respectful! He was not at all late, I was just early.
He hugged me when he walked in, so it wasn't awkward at all. The conversation was easy and we just seemed to flow. We really knew nothing about each other, so there was plenty to learn. He was extremely open with me about himself and his past (including relationships) but I didn't feel comfortable airing my dirty laundry so early. I did tell him some funny first date disasters I've had...
--The guy who left me when he said he was going to the bathroom, because I'd just said he couldn't come home with me.
--The guy who got a DWI on our first date, coincidentally the night I learned to drive a manual car, when I had to drive his car home. Then when I went to pick him up from the police station, found out he'd lied about his last name.
--The guy who brought a gun into a restaurant on a double date.
Today's date seemed very amused by my bad luck, and it prevented me from having to divulge too much about any serious dating I'd done.
I ordered sushi, and got stuck on bite one. I couldn't say anything, so I just sat there and suffered through it for almost an hour until I found a moment to excuse myself to the bathroom.
Anyway, it was a nice first date and I hope I'll see him again. I think I will.
So, first things first, the bad news:
My band is leaking. I don't have much info on this yet, I will be going back to see my PA next week to find out WHERE it's leaking (band, port, tubing) and discuss my options from there. Look out for an update on that and what kind of surgery I'll be having to fix it.
My insurance will not cover any bariatric procedure so whatever has to be done will coming out of pocket. Please pray that it is the best case scenario because I've done a lot of freaking out over it in the last week. It all went downhill when this bitch at the insurance company compared having weight loss surgery to a face lift or breast implants. I was irate! Donna was the first person I vented to and she found a way to make me laugh at the situation. I love that we have a similar (horrible) sense of humor!
Boot camp is going great and I'm finally seeing some results on the scale! This morning I weighed 245.8. The day I started boot camp I think I saw 249 so that is 3.2 pounds down in 12 days. It's such a stress reliever for me, so I am going to bite the bullet and sign a 6 month contract. It will be worth the money!
And last but not least, I have a first date today.
I'm not expecting anything from it, but the guy seems nice, normal, and I love the fact that he picked a LUNCH date. That means he isn't expecting to take me home or any of that afterward, as we will both be going back to work. He also picked one of my favorite restaurants, so he gets extra "awesome" points for that.
However, the next time someone requests a food date for a first date, someone should smack me before I accept! Luckily my band is pretty loose right now (regardless of my fill 6 days ago, the fluid that was added has already leaked out!!!), so I think I'll be okay, but I always have that anxiety of an unexpected stuck episode with someone who doesn't know about my surgery.
I'm still very sad about Mr. Banker, but it's easier if I just fill my life so full that I can't think about it.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
I just wanted to let you all know that I'm pretty sure I'm taking a break from blogging. I post a lot so I didn't want anyone to worry when I don't post for a little bit. I don't know how long.
All I know is there isn't enough exercise in the world to drown the sadness I feel right now. I feel at a loss of much to talk about.
I'm still reading you all and commenting. So keep up all of your awesomeness... You're all such an inspiration.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Yep, that's me. Hollee, the productive Badass. Claiming that.
Today is my 'work from home' day because I need to be at the house to sign for a delivery later on. Instead of sleeping in like I would normally do, I set my alarm for 5:13am (normal for me is 6:36am).
Got up, had my coffee, picked my friend up, and we made it to the 6:30am bootcamp class! It was a good work out today. Since I hurt my ankle and it was too difficult to put pressure on just one foot, I was unable to complete the lunges. For all the lunge circuits, the trainer switched it to wall sits for me. Holy mother it is hard to squat on a wall for 45 seconds!
By 8:30 I had completed my workout, dropped my friend back home, and done my grocery shopping. It feels GREAT to get my day started right. I wish I could do boot camp every morning before work, unfortunately the facility doesn't have a shower, and I can't go to work post-ass kicking without a shower.
I am having kefir for breakfast...never tried it before but the mood struck me this morning at the grocery. My ex used to drink it and I picked on him, calling it 'adult dannibles' but the nutrition is good and it's an easy breakfast. I will have to be super careful tracking my food today, as I intend to enjoy Wine Down Wednesday this evening with friends.
As promised in the beginning of the year (at least weekly nutrition info), here is my food for yesterday... I know it's bad because I didn't eat enough, but I was on the "poor diet":
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Yesterday was my third bootcamp class. I'm kind of rocking this "drowning my sorrows in exercise" thing. I had a rest day Sunday because Burn Bootcamp is closed on Sundays--my body was still pretty sore yesterday but pushed through and went to class anyway.
Every class is 4 workouts 4 times, another 4 workouts 3 times, then the hardest of 4 another 3-4 times, and then a cooldown. So 12 different workouts and a cool down. Each class also has a focus area. Here's this week:
Monday - Athletic Conditioning/Core
Tuesday - Upper Body Circuit
Wednesday - Lower Body HIIT Training
Thursday - Core Conditioning/Agilities
Friday - Upper Body HIIT Training
Saturday - Plyometrics and Core
That Athletic Conditioning/Core class was NO JOKE! But I pushed through and this morning I didn't wake up as sore as I have been, so that must be progress!
I did twist my ankle (falling) in yesterday's class, so I'm going to have to take it easy on it today, but I AM going to class again today. I guess it must be luck that we're working upper body today so that hopefully there won't be too much jumping.
Now if only my scale will realize I've been busting my ass!
Monday, January 13, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Thank you blogger friends! You all inspire, encourage, support, and lift me on my dark days. Sometimes it is really hard to put so much of myself out there for any and every one to read, but you all make it worth it. You help me more than you all know.
Hugs to you if you're reading this <3
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Last night I started to think about all of my friends who are married/in committed relationships. You bloggers are included in that. This thought started brewing in my mind last weekend when I was talking to Miss Lorie about how we come from different cultures. I started to realize that almost all of my happily married friends are different than me in one way... they all live in a different world than mine.
I don't consider the triangle (Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill) a BIG city, but this area is different. This is the "RESEARCH TRIANGLE", the land of science and progress. So what does that mean for me? Well, it means that job opportunities are abundant. But I think it means something else about the people too. Maybe the 'quality' people aren't looking for relationship, maybe they're more worried about bettering themselves. I'm not saying this is bad, but it makes it hard for a girl to find someone OF QUALITY to want to share a life with me. I think human nature is selfish anyway, but maybe where I live creates a different kind of selfishness...one that values personal growth above all else.
When I look at my married friends...many of them are now living in small towns with a different set of "values". Some of those values I completely disagree with, but I can't help but wonder if maybe those same religious values are the reason they have found happiness in someone else and my more secular area seems to be so lonely. I look at my local friends, many amazing talented strong kind women who are single mothers. Why is that? I am really beginning to think I just live in a "me-first" single culture.
What's a girl to do? No amount of weight I lose is going to change the people around me. I have been struggling lately, but it's brought some introspection that maybe I needed to see. The other night I asked an ex why we didn't work out. He said "I think we both just made mistakes which caused it not to work. You have a lot to offer and you are a really sweet person who I love spending time with. The only thing that gets me is your self image issues. You shouldn't be that way because you are beautiful Hollee. You need to love yourself before anyone else will." But that's the thing. I do love myself. I may not always love my body, but I love who I am as an individual. I KNOW I have a lot to offer someone. No amount of weight lost is going to change who I am as far as that goes. I'm just not sure anymore that I will find someone who will appreciate who I am where I am.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Birthday gift #11 was tickets to a basketball game tonight. We spoke over the weekend and decided we would go together. Last night, however, Mr. Banker got some bad family news. So this morning he asked if he could just come spend time with me and watch the game at home. A part of me feels like I should've just done that, but I was really looking forward to this game. I feel like I give up so much for him and he never does the same, so I said no. It might've been different if we had been on good terms lately, in fact I'm pretty sure it would've been, but I'm tired of sacrificing for him and getting nothing in return.
Maybe that sounds selfish- but it's time for me to be selfish.
But I know how a man's brain interprets the situation.
Family tragedy + Hollee won't comfort me = Hollee is an inconsiderate bitch.
I just need to put myself first right now. I have been asking him to communicate with me for two weeks and he just disappears any time I ask him a difficult question or say something he doesn't know how to respond to. I really love him, but I can't keep being girlfriend Hollee to him, and staying home with him tonight is what girlfriend Hollee would've done. I want to comfort him and make him okay with what is going on with him, why is it that he doesn't want to do the same for me?
I just want things to be okay. I thought this bad stuff going on happened so we would end up together, but it is starting to seem it happened so that we would end up apart.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
- I CANNOT handle carbonation. What happens when I try it? I get this sensation that I cannot breathe for about 15 seconds. It is painful and scary.
- I like my band TIGHT. I do best when I'm so tight that I have to REALLY pay attention to what I eat and how I eat it.
- CHEW CHEW CHEW. Until my food is a liquid state.
- My bites better not be larger than the size of a dime, regardless of how much I chew, or I'm going to PB or get stuck.
- Drinking something warm/hot in the morning helps the rest of the day go by easier.
- My band doesn't like drinks that are overly cold. If I drink something frozen (hello Margarita) I better drink it slowly.
- Speaking of Margaritas, alcohol makes my band lazy and loose.
- Stress makes my band TIGHT! I have even been prescribed Ativan for days that I'm stressed to the point that water doesn't go down. I have only taken it a few times, but it helps.
- Claritin (or any allergy meds) helps relax my band a little too.
- Unfortunately, exercise makes my band damn near close shut. I cannot run in the morning, because if I do, I can't eat for at least 8 hours.
- Water! Water is an essential part of this weight loss journey, just not while I'm eating.
- I used to drink 5-6 glasses of water with a meal, but this is truly one of those "NO NO" rules. I thought it would be a difficult change, but a few times of forgetting and taking a sip during dinner, only to quickly PB made sure I wouldn't forget anymore.
- My band does NOT prevent me from eating shit I shouldn't. Cookies? Yes please. Ice cream? I'll take a truck load. Cheesecake? Yep, just shove it right down my throat.
- Previous rule does not apply to bread. I CANNOT eat bread. It just doesn't work. Pasta either.
- And for some reason, my band does not like dinner food pork. Barbeque. Ham. Pork Chops. But I can eat bacon and sausage? Makes no sense.
This band has lots of rules to follow, and it's worth it. I just need to remember all of them, follow them, and get back to tracking my food. I'm going to make it a goal to track my food every day and post my day's tracking at least once a week. I just need to decide what day I'll do that, but I think this is a good 2014 blog resolution.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Am I too fat?
What am I doing wrong?
Is this karma for something I did when I was younger and less mature?
Am I not good enough? Am I TOO good?
I used to think if I lost weight, I would find the right guy. Don't get me wrong, I get plenty of male attention, and truth be told, I was never short on flirts even at my highest weight. The problem is the KIND of men I meet.
A married man.
A guy who beat me up.
Now one who could have everything with me, and can't commit.
I have on many occasions been told that I'm 'too good'. That I just give of myself freely and don't expect much in return, and so these people I allow into my life also don't expect that they have to give much.
I want someone who gives of me the way I give of myself. Someone kind and caring. Someone who will need to be with me after seeing how good I am. I deserve that.
I think the 'normal' thing to write about would be a New Years Resolutions post, but I'm going to skip that today. I might later.
What I do want to write about is my adjustment today.... I got 1.6CC added to my band today, to bring the total to 7.9CC.
Why is that weird? Because I have been sitting around 7.5CC for the past few months, and have been getting around 1CC added every 2 weeks?! That math doesn't add up. If I had 7CC in my band 6 weeks ago, I should be at 10CC today, but still sitting at 7.9.
My PA doesn't seem concerned or think it's strange, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it, but that's so frustrating!
Has anyone else experienced this?