Thursday, January 30, 2014

Ten Things Thursday

1. Well today was the day.  The day I went in to find the leak in my band/port.

First, my PA wanted to confirm there is ACTUALLY a leak.
I guess she wasn't convinced by the fact I'm losing approx 2 CC every two weeks or that I am getting a 1-1.5 CC fill every two weeks.

So she took all my fluid out.  Then put 10 CC in!!!!
Right as she got to 10 CC full, I gasped because I felt it so tight, I can't even describe it.
And I just laid there for 15 minutes.  Hence the pictures.
I was bored.  You would've been too.

Then my PA came back and took all the fluid out to see how much came out.
9.4 CC.
Apparently that's normal.  Ugh!  No proof of a leak.

We believe I do still have a leak, but it is a slow one.  My PA is going to talk to my surgeon, call the insurance, and call me Monday with my options.

More.  Waiting.

2.  I have found a new clothing website and I'm addicted!!!
Sizes 0-3X.
Love Love Love
I really love their summer dresses!

3.  I've loved working from home some this week.
Sleeping until 15 mins before time to start work has been lovely.

4. was great to leave my house today!
I wasn't able to go anywhere due to icy roads from Tuesday at 4pm until today at 1pm.
I was getting a case of cabin fever!

5.  I went to bootcamp today...only the 2nd time this week due to the weather.
It was so good to get active.
It cleared my head and made me feel so revived.

6. Vanessa inspired me to book a boudoir session!!
I bought a $20 groupon just for fun.
My session isn't until March 2.

7.  That gives me a month to come up with 3 sexy outfits to wear.
I have a feeling one of them is going to be UNC themed ;)

8.  This weekend is going to be busy!
Full of great friends, which is exactly what I need right now.
Bootcamp Friday and Saturday.
Wine at my friend Cathey's house Friday night.
Coffee with my friend Anna on Saturday afternoon.
Saturday Ladies' Wine night.
Might do kickboxing Sunday???

9.  I ate SOOOO bad over the weekend, I truly expected a gain today, but...

10.  Weigh in today, just a -0.2 pound loss since last week.
That makes 100.8 pounds lost total.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

*Snow* Day Boot Camp

Stuck at home and can't work out?

I have the solution just for you!  The owner of Burn Bootcamp posted this workout for us yesterday in the event we could not make it to class:

Bootcamp is usually a 45 minute workout, but this was clearly not going to take me 45 minutes so I added 25 modified burpees (squat + wall push up) at the end of Round 2 & 3.  Technically I could've made it to the 4:30 class yesterday, but was afraid to take the chance and have an accident on the drive home or something.

Looks like I'll be repeating this workout today (but I'll shoot for 5 rounds), unless she posts another, because I am DEFINITELY snowed in now, there will be no chance of making it to class.  I got about 3 inches of snow which I know to some of you is not a lot, but the roads here are just A MESS.
 I ventured out at 1am to take the above picture because I was excited that it was my first 'real' snow since I purchased my house.

Wrangler was not in the mood to have his picture taken, he just wanted to explore today.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

All over the place

Hope you've all have a lovely weekend :)

I went to my parents' house (1.5 hour drive away) to puppysit for the weekend, as my dad was at the beach and my mom works 7am-7pm on Saturdays and Sundays.  SOMEONE had to be there to look after their 8 dogs, and the 5 puppies that were born right before Christmas.  Add my Wrangler and their house was a zoo this weekend!

The plan was to begin my drive right after bootcamp Friday, but I had such a long, rough day at work that I decided to just skip my workout and go home early so that I would have some time with my Mom.  I'm SO glad I did.  My mom is truly one of my best friends and it was great to spend time with her.  We went out to dinner, and it was an epic fail for me....I PB'd a few times before giving up, and finished my dinner when I got back to their house.

Saturday it was just me and the dogs.  That's LOTS of time to think.  But, let me tell you...there is something about heartbreak that lights a fire under my ass and stirs up a crazy sense of productivity and need to change things.  Last year, after Robocop, I began running and got the tattoo on my neck.

As you all know, Bootcamp is my recent physical activity to cope with my sadness.

Yesterday, something made me decide I'm going to re-paint the entire inside of my home in the near future.  I've wanted to do this since buying my house almost 2 years ago, but since my house was painted only a month or so before I moved in, it seemed like a waste of money.  But I'm sick of these beige walls everywhere!!  I've decided on a light brown, medium brown, and lavendar scheme and am really excited!  But it's going to be so. much. work.

Today, I was less productive, and sat down to watch some wedding TV on TLC.

Bad. Idea.

Watching all those people in love made me think of Mr. Banker.  I miss him.  I really do.  I know you all know there's been a lot of sadness associated with him lately, but there was a lot of happiness too.

In December, we went out one night to dance.  The venue we went to was nearly deserted, but it didn't matter.  We had a good time together.  We danced to every genre of music that was played (hip hop, some 60's and 70's jazz and R&B), and at many times, we were the only ones dancing.  And it didn't matter, because we were together and having fun.  I always felt that way when I was with him... whether we were alone or around others, he and I were all that mattered.

I miss everything... I miss telling him about my day, emailing him throughout work, laying together on the couch.  I hope the hurt goes away soon.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

On Point!

I just need to pat myself on the back a little and tell you all how proud of myself I am!

I have been so good on both the nutrition and activity fronts!

Here is my food diary for today:

In case you're wondering that 84 grams of Protein.


84. freaking. grams. of. PROTEIN.

I've actually upped my calorie levels (with the full support of my doctor) and am trying to stay between 1000-1300 calories every day.  And it's working!  The scale is going down down down!!!

Here's what I saw today:

From 249 10 days ago.

So today at Bootcamp, one of the activities was running while carrying a dumbell.  I was carrying a 20 pound dumbell and it was HARD!  I cannot believe I used to carry an extra 100 pounds on my body.  No wonder I feel so much better now.

I think I'll be really sore tomorrow, but I love it.

I love exercising with this group of awesome, motivational, supportive ladies.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Date Update

Just wanted to let you all know that my blind lunch date went pretty well!!  Well enough that it lasted for almost 2 hours :)

I was about 10 minutes early, so I texted him to say I had arrived.  He called to let me know he was almost there and apologized that I arrived before him.  I thought this was awesome, so respectful!  He was not at all late, I was just early.

He hugged me when he walked in, so it wasn't awkward at all.  The conversation was easy and we just seemed to flow.  We really knew nothing about each other, so there was plenty to learn.  He was extremely open with me about himself and his past (including relationships) but I didn't feel comfortable airing my dirty laundry so early.  I did tell him some funny first date disasters I've had...

--The guy who left me when he said he was going to the bathroom, because I'd just said he couldn't come home with me.

--The guy who got a DWI on our first date, coincidentally the night I learned to drive a manual car, when I had to drive his car home.  Then when I went to pick him up from the police station, found out he'd lied about his last name.

--The guy who brought a gun into a restaurant on a double date.

Today's date seemed very amused by my bad luck, and it prevented me from having to divulge too much about any serious dating I'd done.

I ordered sushi, and got stuck on bite one.  I couldn't say anything, so I just sat there and suffered through it for almost an hour until I found a moment to excuse myself to the bathroom.

Anyway, it was a nice first date and I hope I'll see him again.  I think I will.

Life, Bootcamp, Band Leaks, Oh my!

Wow, I clearly have a new addiction to blogging, because the 7 days I've been away have been killer.  I kept thinking of things I wanted to write about!  So I guess this was just a little "vacation" rather than 'break'.

So, first things first, the bad news:

My band is leaking.  I don't have much info on this yet, I will be going back to see my PA next week to find out WHERE it's leaking (band, port, tubing) and discuss my options from there.  Look out for an update on that and what kind of surgery I'll be having to fix it.

My insurance will not cover any bariatric procedure so whatever has to be done will coming out of pocket.  Please pray that it is the best case scenario because I've done a lot of freaking out over it in the last week.  It all went downhill when this bitch at the insurance company compared having weight loss surgery to a face lift or breast implants.  I was irate!  Donna was the first person I vented to and she found a way to make me laugh at the situation.  I love that we have a similar (horrible) sense of humor!

Boot camp is going great and I'm finally seeing some results on the scale!  This morning I weighed 245.8.  The day I started boot camp I think I saw 249 so that is 3.2 pounds down in 12 days.  It's such a stress reliever for me, so I am going to bite the bullet and sign a 6 month contract.  It will be worth the money!

And last but not least, I have a first date today.
I'm not expecting anything from it, but the guy seems nice, normal, and I love the fact that he picked a LUNCH date.  That means he isn't expecting to take me home or any of that afterward, as we will both be going back to work.  He also picked one of my favorite restaurants, so he gets extra "awesome" points for that.

However, the next time someone requests a food date for a first date, someone should smack me before I accept!  Luckily my band is pretty loose right now (regardless of my fill 6 days ago, the fluid that was added has already leaked out!!!), so I think I'll be okay, but I always have that anxiety of an unexpected stuck episode with someone who doesn't know about my surgery.

I'm still very sad about Mr. Banker, but it's easier if I just fill my life so full that I can't think about it.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Evolution of Relationships

What the HELL is wrong with me?
That I only fall for men
Who cannot see
The value of an intelligent woman.

So I give and I give
And they take and they take.
Until what’s left?
Nothing but a shell of the woman I used to be.
Because I gave all I could
And nothing was ever returned to me.

But then I start to think
It’s not me at all.
Maybe it’s just society.
That we’ve become nothing but a race
Of takers
Who only value “What’s in it for me?”

Perhaps that’s why the numbers
Of single mothers
Keeps rising.
Because all these men think of is what they can take.
And not what they might leave her with.
Or what that child would give
To have a father
Who gives a damn.

We call this a time of science and progress.
But is this progress really?
When we navigate our days alone
And never learn to express
Love for anyone- but ourselves.

Maybe THAT’S why
No one can commit
Because these days commitment would take too much
Sharing of ourselves when all we want is the benefit
Of what we can receive.

It seems the best I can do to protect me
Is to adapt to my generation’s ideals of
Friends with Benefits over Relationships.
Afterall the key to survival of the fittest
In this scientific society is adaptation.

But then I don’t think I’d be me anymore.
So what’s worse?
To love and give and end up empty?
Or to pretend I don’t care
To fit into the box
Of what my peers think relationships should be.

Wrote that Sunday.  Felt like sharing.  Hope you're all having a good week.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Blog break

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm pretty sure I'm taking a break from blogging. I post a lot so I didn't want anyone to worry when I don't post for a little bit. I don't know how long.

All I know is there isn't enough exercise in the world to drown the sadness I feel right now. I feel at a loss of much to talk about.

I'm still reading you all and commenting. So keep up all of your awesomeness... You're all such an inspiration.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Not Just a Badass


Yep, that's me. Hollee, the productive Badass.  Claiming that.

Today is my 'work from home' day because I need to be at the house to sign for a delivery later on.  Instead of sleeping in like I would normally do, I set my alarm for 5:13am (normal for me is 6:36am).

Got up, had my coffee, picked my friend up, and we made it to the 6:30am bootcamp class!  It was a good work out today.  Since I hurt my ankle and it was too difficult to put pressure on just one foot, I was unable to complete the lunges.  For all the lunge circuits, the trainer switched it to wall sits for me.  Holy mother it is hard to squat on a wall for 45 seconds!

By 8:30 I had completed my workout, dropped my friend back home, and done my grocery shopping.  It feels GREAT to get my day started right.  I wish I could do boot camp every morning before work, unfortunately the facility doesn't have a shower, and I can't go to work post-ass kicking without a shower.

I am having kefir for breakfast...never tried it before but the mood struck me this morning at the grocery.  My ex used to drink it and I picked on him, calling it 'adult dannibles' but the nutrition is good and it's an easy breakfast.  I will have to be super careful tracking my food today, as I intend to enjoy Wine Down Wednesday this evening with friends.

As promised in the beginning of the year (at least weekly nutrition info), here is my food for yesterday... I know it's bad because I didn't eat enough, but I was on the "poor diet":

The scale is still refusing to budge.  This morning's weight was 247.4.  Yes, that's right, I've freaking GAINED weight since starting boot camp.  What. the. fuck.   

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I < 3 Bootcamp

Good morning!

Yesterday was my third bootcamp class.  I'm kind of rocking this "drowning my sorrows in exercise" thing.  I had a rest day Sunday because Burn Bootcamp is closed on Sundays--my body was still pretty sore yesterday but pushed through and went to class anyway.

Every class is 4 workouts 4 times, another 4 workouts 3 times, then the hardest of 4 another 3-4 times, and then a cooldown.  So 12 different workouts and a cool down.  Each class also has a focus area.  Here's this week:

Monday - Athletic Conditioning/Core
Tuesday - Upper Body Circuit
Wednesday - Lower Body HIIT Training
Thursday - Core Conditioning/Agilities
Friday - Upper Body HIIT Training
Saturday - Plyometrics and Core

That Athletic Conditioning/Core class was NO JOKE!  But I pushed through and this morning I didn't wake up as sore as I have been, so that must be progress! 

I did twist my ankle (falling) in yesterday's class, so I'm going to have to take it easy on it today, but I AM going to class again today.  I guess it must be luck that we're working upper body today so that hopefully there won't be too much jumping.

Now if only my scale will realize I've been busting my ass!

Monday, January 13, 2014


It isn't easier.

Sometimes it is just necessary.
And it hurts like hell.  

It's so strange that the person who was my closest confidant and one of my best friends has become nothing more than a memory so quickly.  A distant acquaintance.  :(

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Exercise > Anti-depressants

I feel like a bad ass motha fukkkkkka ha

Some of you are so inspiring to me... especially Christy, Donna, and Lorie.

I feel like I've pretty much figured out the nutrition aspect of my Lap Band, unfortunately I just forget that exercising has it's benefits.  Those benefits aren't just what I see on a scale or in the mirror though.

Thursday I decided it was time I find an exercise I like.  This is partially weight loss motivated, but I also just REALLY need something to focus my mind on.  All I can think about is Mr. Banker and his lack of decision.  So I have needed something to put my mind in a different place.

So I bit the bullet and signed up for a two week trial Boot camp that damn near killed me back in July.

I attended yesterday at the 4:30pm class.
And then I got up and returned for the 9:15am class.

I realize this isn't my best look, but I FEEL GOOD!
Above: Tired before class.
Below: Sweaty but feeling baller after class.

I feel strong.



I was really upset yesterday before I went to the bootcamp class.  I was angry and hurt and it was consuming me.  After class though, I felt like the fog lifted from my mind.  I'm still somewhat hurt, but I'm feeling better.  I feel that this is going to be a good thing for me.

Physically and emotionally.

Friday, January 10, 2014

A Shout Out to You!

I just wanted to take a moment to give you all a shout out!

Thank you blogger friends!  You all inspire, encourage, support, and lift me on my dark days.  Sometimes it is really hard to put so much of myself out there for any and every one to read, but you all make it worth it.  You help me more than you all know.

Hugs to you if you're reading this <3

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Dating on a different planet

My dad always says that I'm never going to find a man of quality where I live.  I don't agree with him about much, but I started thinking last night that maybe he is right.  Of course, he feels that way because he doesn't think much good about my area in general.

Last night I started to think about all of my friends who are married/in committed relationships.  You bloggers are included in that.  This thought started brewing in my mind last weekend when I was talking to Miss Lorie about how we come from different cultures.  I started to realize that almost all of my happily married friends are different than me in one way... they all live in a different world than mine.

I don't consider the triangle (Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill) a BIG city, but this area is different.  This is the "RESEARCH TRIANGLE", the land of science and progress.  So what does that mean for me?  Well, it means that job opportunities are abundant.  But I think it means something else about the people too.  Maybe the 'quality' people aren't looking for relationship, maybe they're more worried about bettering themselves.  I'm not saying this is bad, but it makes it hard for a girl to find someone OF QUALITY to want to share a life with me.  I think human nature is selfish anyway, but maybe where I live creates a different kind of that values personal growth above all else.

When I look at my married friends...many of them are now living in small towns with a different set of "values".  Some of those values I completely disagree with, but I can't help but wonder if maybe those same religious values are the reason they have found happiness in someone else and my more secular area seems to be so lonely.  I look at my local friends, many amazing talented strong kind women who are single mothers.  Why is that?  I am really beginning to think I just live in a "me-first" single culture.

What's a girl to do?  No amount of weight I lose is going to change the people around me.  I have been struggling lately, but it's brought some introspection that maybe I needed to see.  The other night I asked an ex why we didn't work out.  He said "I think we both just made mistakes which caused it not to work.  You have a lot to offer and you are a really sweet person who I love spending time with.  The only thing that gets me is your self image issues.  You shouldn't be that way because you are beautiful Hollee.  You need to love yourself before anyone else will."  But that's the thing.  I do love myself.  I may not always love my body, but I love who I am as an individual.  I KNOW I have a lot to offer someone.  No amount of weight lost is going to change who I am as far as that goes.  I'm just not sure anymore that I will find someone who will appreciate who I am where I am.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Little Pieces

I feel like I'm broken into little pieces on the floor right now.  When Mr. Banker is upset, he just shuts down.  It happened in June and in October.  And it is happening now.  None of these times was it my fault, but I feel as though I'm the one who gets punished for it.

Birthday gift #11 was tickets to a basketball game tonight.  We spoke over the weekend and decided we would go together.  Last night, however, Mr. Banker got some bad family news.  So this morning he asked if he could just come spend time with me and watch the game at home.  A part of me feels like I should've just done that, but I was really looking forward to this game.  I feel like I give up so much for him and he never does the same, so I said no.  It might've been different if we had been on good terms lately, in fact I'm pretty sure it would've been, but I'm tired of sacrificing for him and getting nothing in return.

Maybe that sounds selfish- but it's time for me to be selfish.

But I know how a man's brain interprets the situation.

Family tragedy + Hollee won't comfort me = Hollee is an inconsiderate bitch.

I just need to put myself first right now.  I have been asking him to communicate with me for two weeks and he just disappears any time I ask him a difficult question or say something he doesn't know how to respond to.  I really love him, but I can't keep being girlfriend Hollee to him, and staying home with him tonight is what girlfriend Hollee would've done.  I want to comfort him and make him okay with what is going on with him, why is it that he doesn't want to do the same for me?

I just want things to be okay.  I thought this bad stuff going on happened so we would end up together, but it is starting to seem it happened so that we would end up apart.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Face comparison

September 7, 2012 vs. December 31, 2013

16 months difference.
There's no way not to see the 100 pounds I've lost.

Thank goodness I made this decision and started this journey.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

What I've learned in 16 Months of Lap Band

This is a very individual journey, so I'm going to tell you what I've learned about MY experience with lap band and following "the rules".

- I CANNOT handle carbonation.  What happens when I try it?  I get this sensation that I cannot breathe for about 15 seconds.  It is painful and scary.

- I like my band TIGHT.  I do best when I'm so tight that I have to REALLY pay attention to what I eat and how I eat it.

- CHEW CHEW CHEW. Until my food is a liquid state.

- My bites better not be larger than the size of a dime, regardless of how much I chew, or I'm going to PB or get stuck.

- Drinking something warm/hot in the morning helps the rest of the day go by easier.

- My band doesn't like drinks that are overly cold.  If I drink something frozen (hello Margarita) I better drink it slowly.

-  Speaking of Margaritas, alcohol makes my band lazy and loose.

-  Stress makes my band TIGHT!  I have even been prescribed Ativan for days that I'm stressed to the point that water doesn't go down.  I have only taken it a few times, but it helps.

-  Claritin (or any allergy meds) helps relax my band a little too.

-  Unfortunately, exercise makes my band damn near close shut.  I cannot run in the morning, because if I do, I can't eat for at least 8 hours.

-  Water!  Water is an essential part of this weight loss journey, just not while I'm eating.

-  I used to drink 5-6 glasses of water with a meal, but this is truly one of those "NO NO" rules.  I thought it would be a difficult change, but a few times of forgetting and taking a sip during dinner, only to quickly PB made sure I wouldn't forget anymore.

- My band does NOT prevent me from eating shit I shouldn't.  Cookies? Yes please.  Ice cream? I'll take a truck load. Cheesecake? Yep, just shove it right down my throat.

- Previous rule does not apply to bread.  I CANNOT eat bread.  It just doesn't work.  Pasta either.

-  And for some reason, my band does not like dinner food pork.  Barbeque.  Ham.  Pork Chops.  But I can eat bacon and sausage?  Makes no sense.

This band has lots of rules to follow, and it's worth it.  I just need to remember all of them, follow them, and get back to tracking my food.  I'm going to make it a goal to track my food every day and post my day's tracking at least once a week.  I just need to decide what day I'll do that, but I think this is a good 2014 blog resolution.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Happy New Year :)

Happy 2014 <3

New Year's Eve with my cousin Jenni and friend Leyton

It's a new year.  And I love that picture above!

Please notice how little my waist looks!

So, this is going to be the year!  THE YEAR I SEE ONEDERLAND!  The year I get to my goal!!!
My year has began kind of rough, but it's going to get better.  I can't control what Mr. Banker does or anyone else, I can only control what I do.  So I'm going to make sure that what I do is what I want... what I need.... to make my life better.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

What is wrong with me?

Am I not pretty enough?

Am I too fat?

What am I doing wrong?

Is this karma for something I did when I was younger and less mature?

Am I not good enough?  Am I TOO good?

I used to think if I lost weight, I would find the right guy.  Don't get me wrong, I get plenty of male attention, and truth be told, I was never short on flirts even at my highest weight.  The problem is the KIND of men I meet.

A married man.

A guy who beat me up.

Now one who could have everything with me, and can't commit.

I have on many occasions been told that I'm 'too good'.  That I just give of myself freely and don't expect much in return, and so these people I allow into my life also don't expect that they have to give much.

I want someone who gives of me the way I give of myself.  Someone kind and caring.  Someone who will need to be with me after seeing how good I am.  I deserve that.

Where does it go?

That's what she said.... okay, sorry ladies (and the occasional gentleman) who read my blog.

I think the 'normal' thing to write about would be a New Years Resolutions post, but I'm going to skip that today.  I might later.

What I do want to write about is my adjustment today.... I got 1.6CC added to my band today, to bring the total to 7.9CC.

Why is that weird?  Because I have been sitting around 7.5CC for the past few months, and have been getting around 1CC added every 2 weeks?!  That math doesn't add up.  If I had 7CC in my band 6 weeks ago, I should be at 10CC today, but still sitting at 7.9. 

My PA doesn't seem concerned or think it's strange, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it, but that's so frustrating!

Has anyone else experienced this?