I'm trying so hard not to feel sad, but here I am unable to sleep because of my thoughts. Last year tonight I was unable to sleep for the butterflies in my stomach from the cute and funny guy I'd met earlier that evening. The man that you all came to know as Mr. Banker.
I never imagined a year could bring so much hurt. But I guess no one imagines that something will end badly in the beginning. And why? All because he couldn't commit. We both made mistakes, I'm not perfect. But I blame him. He just refused to make what we had real. I put deadlines on it in my head. Six months. But six months came and I was even more smitten with him. Then I said "the holidays" but thanksgiving came and I began planning his "25 birthday gifts of Christmas" and we decorated a tree together and he met some of my family. All I wanted for Christmas was a relationship. Yeah I'm a cheap date ha. I was sure we'd be official soon, things seemed to be going so well.
I even had some crazy idea that maybe if he got a job closer to me we could possibly consider living together. He starts the job we were working toward together on Monday next week. I'm happy for him.
I guess it's funny that I had given a holiday deadline and December 23 something happened between us that changed our dynamic completely. At first I thought it was going to help him realize what was important in life, that I really mattered to him. Wrong.
So here we are after quite a rollercoaster of a year. He still doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. That's the topic of most of our arguing these days. I wish everything was different. I wish he didn't have this commitment issue. There was once a time I actually believed he loved me and didn't know it yet. I don't believe that anymore.