Health vs. vanity

Being 100% honest, I didn't have this surgery for vanity reasons. I was terrified of what my health would be if I didn't. All of my blood tests were normal prior to surgery, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. My grandmother died when I was 14 at the age of 68. The cause of death was a "staff infection" according to her death certificate, but truthfully her obesity killed her. I never remember her being able to walk. She was too heavy. She spent the last years of her life in the hospital after multiple heart attacks. I loved her so much, but I was terrified of becoming her.

But now that I'm half way to my goal, the vanity reasons have started to kick in. I was always a fairly confident big girl. Of course I had my moments, but men never stopped showing interest and I guess I used that as validation that my weight problem wasn't "so bad". It's not that I don't think looking better is a valid reason to have the surgery, it was just never my concern in the beginning.

Lately I've started thinking about what it will be like to date as a skinny person. The truth is, I am scared it won't be any better. I'm scared I will still meet the wrong men who want to date me for the wrong reasons.

About a year ago, a friend said something to me that was very offensive. I know she didn't mean to offend. She said when I lost weight I'd meet better guys. I will still be the same person on the inside afterward, just in a different package. Why shouldn't I deserve to meet a good man now?

Just some frustrated, unable to sleep ramblings.