Sunday, January 27, 2013

Health vs. vanity

Being 100% honest, I didn't have this surgery for vanity reasons. I was terrified of what my health would be if I didn't. All of my blood tests were normal prior to surgery, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. My grandmother died when I was 14 at the age of 68. The cause of death was a "staff infection" according to her death certificate, but truthfully her obesity killed her. I never remember her being able to walk. She was too heavy. She spent the last years of her life in the hospital after multiple heart attacks. I loved her so much, but I was terrified of becoming her.

But now that I'm half way to my goal, the vanity reasons have started to kick in. I was always a fairly confident big girl. Of course I had my moments, but men never stopped showing interest and I guess I used that as validation that my weight problem wasn't "so bad". It's not that I don't think looking better is a valid reason to have the surgery, it was just never my concern in the beginning.

Lately I've started thinking about what it will be like to date as a skinny person. The truth is, I am scared it won't be any better. I'm scared I will still meet the wrong men who want to date me for the wrong reasons.

About a year ago, a friend said something to me that was very offensive. I know she didn't mean to offend. She said when I lost weight I'd meet better guys. I will still be the same person on the inside afterward, just in a different package. Why shouldn't I deserve to meet a good man now?

Just some frustrated, unable to sleep ramblings.

2 comments:

  1. the men will be no different. It is all about how you feel about yourself. Your confidence is what most men gravitate to and you will have that when you are skinnier, too. Good luck...your guy is out there!!! I didn't find mine until I was 30, but he was worth the wait!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Touching story! Thanks so much for sharing. The right one will come along. When you stop looking for him he will surprise you. Good Luck and stay strong!

    ReplyDelete