Monday, August 11, 2014

Thoughts on the Lap Band... and regrets

When I first started "thinking about" weight loss surgery, I wish I'd done more research.  But I'm the kind of person that once I get something in my head, I am all in.  I don't test the water with my toes, I dive in head first.  Someone told me that I couldn't succeed with the band, and damn it, I was going to prove to her that I could.  Except I'm not sure how that worked out for me really.  I worked the band, and it worked for me.  Until something happened.  We call it a leak, but there is really no 'proof' of a leak.  If you've been following for a while, then you know what all has gone on, so there's no reason to re-hash that part.

But there are days where I have bursts of anger.  Anger that I did EVERYTHING I was told to do, and now I am going through this anyway.

Days that I am angry that I thought I could have the band removed if I ever needed to and it would be like surgery never happened.  I am an intelligent female, why didn't it occur to me that the band would cause scar tissue in the stomach?!

Days that I am pissed that I didn't listen to my doctors when they did explicitly tell me that someone with 180 pounds to lose would do better with gastric bypass.

Why didn't I consider those things then?

Well, I didn't consider them then because I thought as long as I followed the rules, I would be successful.  I did follow the rules.  I worked my ass off.  I shouldn't be dealing with all this shit now begging for insurance approval.

But here I am.  I guess life isn't fair.  I've always known that and I shouldn't expect it to be.  Still, I can't help feeling a little bitter at times that I am struggling now after all the hard work I've put in.  I know there is no point in feeling bitter, it is really out of my hands until I get the next decision from my personal appeal.  After that, I will either be scheduling surgery or gearing up for a battle again.  I hope it is the former.

I'm not sure I have the emotional capacity to keep pushing forward.  I say that, but I know if I have to, I will find it.

2 comments:

  1. I have a slipped band and a flipped port... gained the 60 pounds I lost right back. I was NOT ready for life without a band. Yes I wish I had chosen the sleeve to start with, but I'd watched too many youtube success videos and was certain it would work for me. Now I am looking at self paying to fix it all because I changed jobs and insurance plans! I feel ya!

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    1. you could do out of pocket insurance... that's the route I went.

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