When I first started "thinking about" weight loss surgery, I wish I'd done more research. But I'm the kind of person that once I get something in my head, I am all in. I don't test the water with my toes, I dive in head first. Someone told me that I couldn't succeed with the band, and damn it, I was going to prove to her that I could. Except I'm not sure how that worked out for me really. I worked the band, and it worked for me. Until something happened. We call it a leak, but there is really no 'proof' of a leak. If you've been following for a while, then you know what all has gone on, so there's no reason to re-hash that part.
But there are days where I have bursts of anger. Anger that I did EVERYTHING I was told to do, and now I am going through this anyway.
Days that I am angry that I thought I could have the band removed if I ever needed to and it would be like surgery never happened. I am an intelligent female, why didn't it occur to me that the band would cause scar tissue in the stomach?!
Days that I am pissed that I didn't listen to my doctors when they did explicitly tell me that someone with 180 pounds to lose would do better with gastric bypass.
Why didn't I consider those things then?
Well, I didn't consider them then because I thought as long as I followed the rules, I would be successful. I did follow the rules. I worked my ass off. I shouldn't be dealing with all this shit now begging for insurance approval.
But here I am. I guess life isn't fair. I've always known that and I shouldn't expect it to be. Still, I can't help feeling a little bitter at times that I am struggling now after all the hard work I've put in. I know there is no point in feeling bitter, it is really out of my hands until I get the next decision from my personal appeal. After that, I will either be scheduling surgery or gearing up for a battle again. I hope it is the former.
I'm not sure I have the emotional capacity to keep pushing forward. I say that, but I know if I have to, I will find it.