Monday, June 30, 2014

Why I Share My story...

I was going to post about this a while ago, when the first story happened, but I guess I forgot or it didn't seem that important at the time.  But then this second story happened and I thought it relevant again.

When I was in California in May at Disneyland, I decided to ask if I could order from the children's menu.  The woman taking my order was a short, heavy European lady with a heavy accent who told me I would still be starving after eating the child's burger with no bun, as it was smaller than a little sausage patty.  I told her I had weight loss surgery and would take my chances, and she allowed me to order it.  After I ordered though, she was full of questions.  She told me she had contemplated WLS because she was having heart issues and had diabetes due to her weight and I strongly encouraged her to speak with a doctor, because it was the best decision of my life.  She hugged me when I got my food and went to sit down, and at that moment I really felt that I might have made a difference in this woman's life.

I guess that's why I share.  And it is "easier" for me to share with someone who is heavier.  I guess I feel that they can understand my struggle a little better.

Then last week at my annual woman visit, as the nurse took my medical history, she was also bombarding me with questions about my band.  After she had finished her questions, she told me I had inspired her to finally make a doctor's appointment to talk to someone about her weight. 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Been a while since TTT

1. Happy Thursday!  My band is tight.  For the last 7 days, I'm not even sure there's still a leak.  I know that sounds weird, but I am so tight I PB everything if I'm not incredibly mindful when eating/drinking.  Yes, drinking.  I know it's going to sound weird, but I'm loving the restriction.  I love the feeling that this band is working for the first time since last September.

2. Life has been mostly normal. Work, Home, Repeat. Work is busy busy busy. There are 3 phases to my job: 1. Study Start-up. 2. Maintenence. 3. Database Lock. The first and last are the hardest. Well, don't you know I have one study in Database Lock, 2 studies in Maintenence, and one study in Study Start-up. I am SWAMPED!

3. Please don't take that as complaining though. I like being busy.

4. The insurance company is supposed to let me know about my appeal for revision by July 7. I wish they would hurry!

5. Last week I had some pretty intense port pain. We don't really know what it was. I'm still sore, but it's nothing like it was. We may do an EGD, but are hoping for approval before they can even get that scheduled.

6. My work contest to win $500 ends next week. I was winning until recently. Now I'm a few 'likes' behind. If you haven't yet, go find me on facebook to help out!  I will be okay if I don't win though, because the girl who is on top right now says she is going to donate all the money to charity.  That's noble.

7.   I'm still seeing the therapist that I had to see for a letter for revision approval. She is really good to talk to.

8.  I have baby fever something serious after having my nephew visit.  All I can think about is getting to my goal weight and then getting pregnant.  With or without a partner to do it with.  I know that's a hot topic, but it isn't in the near future and maybe I'd change my mind when I get there.

9.  This year is going by really fast, or is it just me?!  I can't believe it's almost July 4.  I am very much looking forward to having a couple of days off work next week!

10.  Part of the reason my friend in my last blog has been so tough on me about Mr. Banker lately is because I met someone new.  My friend thinks I need to give this new guy a shot.  So I'm going to introduce the new guy as California.  I was going to call him Sunshine, but that seemed a bit gay, and I don't want to impose that on him.  So California is a 6'1 personal trainer.  He honestly seems too good to be true at this point, SOMETHING has to be wrong with him.  He's 27, owns his own business, owns 2 houses- one of which I have been to and it is REALLY nice.  He is very nice to me and tells me I'm beautiful.  On our first date, he told me I was beautiful three times. I guess we will see where it goes with California :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A much needed friend

Sometimes the most profound relationships in our lives are the ones that are strictly platonic.  They are the ones that you should know will ALWAYS be there, because they love you and they don't have that added element that confuses things.

I met 4D in April.  We didn't meet on the most platonic of terms, but within a month it became clear that I just wasn't his type physically and I respect that.  I'm not going to pretend I think he is a saint, I know the good, the bad, and the ugly about him.  But I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he's one of the few I've known in my life that I'd categorize as a "good man".  He doesn't always do the right thing, in fact, he screws up just as much as the rest of us, but he seems to do things with the best of intentions and treat other with respect that I haven't observed with many men in my life.

At the same time, he's hard.  He's tough to get along with, and his friendship is often served with a giant dose of reality.  He tells it like it is and sometimes that can be difficult to swallow.  In our short 3 months of knowing each other, he's made me cry on a few occasions, but each time I know that he is, for the most part, trying to tell me what I might not want to hear, but need to hear.

So last night, he told me that if I'm going to continue engaging myself with Mr. Banker I should "go buy dog tags, a collar, and walk around on all fours, because you're allowing yourself to be treated like nothing more than a mutt".

Well Damn.


That was hard to hear.  But maybe he is right.  He said I need to respect myself more than I have been.  That I need to expect more from the people I allow in my life.  To surround myself with people that I can take from, that I can learn from, that I am better just for knowing, instead of always just being that person for everyone else.

He's right.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Nephew visit

I used to blog almost daily but I haven't had much to say on the weight loss front.  I know you all don't want to read about how I'm NOT losing weight.  Or how I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting to hear back from the insurance.  But that's what's going on.

I had a great week last week.  My family was here from California.  My sister and nephew, and my sister's boyfriend.  My nephew truly has my heart, especially after 7 full days with him.  He's four years old and so very smart.  I realized during his visit that nothing makes me happier than his love.  I have baby fever so bad right now.  It makes me want my goal weight SO bad, so that I can have a baby when I get there. 

Here are a few photos from our time together:

Monday, June 9, 2014


Has anyone else used Model My Diet?

I decided to do a 'Before/Current' compariason of myself.  Here she is.... or um, I guess, here I am:

When I look at the girl on the left, I definitely think that is me before surgery.  A pretty accurate representation of myself at 344 pounds.  But then there is the girl on the right... that's what I'm supposed to look like right now?!  I don't see it.  I'm not sure whether it is the app or my eyes that are distorted.

This was a few weeks ago at Disney, and I think I still look more like the model on the left than the one on the right.

Thursday, June 5, 2014


I started a Ten Things Thursday post this morning, and one of my first numbers was about how crappy my week has been.  I took a break from my list and signed into facebook to find that an old friend from college had passed away.

So I guess my week hasn't been that bad, I am sitting here breathing and relatively healthy.

I'm kind of in shock.  This guy wasn't a super close friend or anything, but rather someone that I always saw at parties or had the occasional lunch with, but his infectious smile on campus when I would run into him would catch me and brighten my day.  He had posted a few days ago about getting a new job and when I saw it I 'liked' the post, and thought to myself:  man I miss that guy.

I guess even more the shock that he is so suddenly gone is how he died.  He had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia while having his wisdom teeth taken out.  It's so unfair for his family.  I'm not sure if you all remember me talking about it, but I have a family history of complications with anesthesia.  It really makes you think about how lucky you are when something like this happens.

Rest in Peace Vernon.  Pun intended.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Revision Denied

"Insufficient evidence of serial nutritional compliance."

That's their reason.  They might as well have written "We are looking for a bullshit answer to tell you no."

I hardly ever get mad.  But right now, I'm PISSED.

My PA actually thinks this is great news though.  She thinks it's a small victory.  They didn't mention my BMI being too low, or having no comorbidities, and since it was not mentioned, they cannot change the reason later.  She thinks this is easy to dispute, because if I wasn't complying with the nutritional guidelines, I wouldn't have lost weight.  No one loses 110 pounds by eating cake, ice cream, and chips.  We all know this right... apparently BlueCross BlueShield of NC doesn't realize....

They will submit an appeal today with documentation of nutritional visits from the past as well as another letter from my PA documenting my typical eating habits.  If there is no news, my doctor will personally set up a peer to peer review, where the insurance company will have to send a representative to meet with my surgeon for an appeal meeting.

I hope my PA is right that this was actually good news.  It definitely does not currently feel good.

All Out of Sorts

I don't feel like I have a ton to talk about right now, but I'm feeling down in the dumps.  It's a lot of different things, but my weight plateau is NOT helping!  I wish the revision would just come through and be approved, that would make my life feel a little better right now.

I'm at sorts with several friends.

First the friend I talked about in a previous blog about refusing to like my work contest photo and saying she is sick of me asking... she read my blog and apparently deems it worth ending our friendship over because I was 'childish' for posting on my blog about it.  Maybe I didn't convey enough that I was upset with her, although I tend to assume after knowing me for 8 years you should know that me saying goodbye mid-conversation is a good indication that I'm upset/hurt, but she also doesn't think anything was wrong with her response to me either.

Also at sorts with another friend.  She had been quiet for about a week, which is unusual for our friendship, so I texted her to check on her and ask if she was okay.  Her response to me was that she had been ignoring me because she doesn't agree with my choices lately, whatever that means.  So we haven't spoken either.  The ironic part is that she is upset with me for continuing to speak to Mr. Banker.... but here's the thing:

Mr. Banker and I haven't spoken in weeks.  The saddest part about a break up ((although this is not a break up since we were never officially in a relationship....)) is that you meet a stranger, let them into your life and they become one of your closest friends.  Then all of a sudden they become a stranger again.

Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't missing two of the women who are supposed to be my closest friends right now in addition to all of that.