Thursday, February 27, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
I'm the same person and hard worker I was before, but I'm more confident.
And let me tell you, fat discrimination exists. I know it exists because I've experienced it. I still experience it sometimes, but not as much.
About four years ago, when I was interviewing for an internal promotion at my first CRO (Clinical Research Organization), I was told that I was a horrible interviewer and not very articulate. There may have been some politics behind that, but regardless, that statement stuck with me.
So it feels incredibly good to know that is not true, at least now. THIS Hollee, is not a horrible interviewer, because THIS Hollee has now gotten two job offers 24 (business) hours after an in-person interview: in August when I changed companies and again now. I must be articulate. I must be likeable. I must leave people with the impression that I care about my career and will do whatever job I have to the best of my ability.
That feels freaking awesome!
I am so very blessed and thankful right now. I needed this job change and pay increase.
So what does all of this mean for me?
Well, I am postponing my port revision surgery. It just makes the most financial sense to postpone so that I don't have to pay a deductible twice. Since I'll have a lapse in insurance for 30 days, surgery will be pushed out to late April. I'm okay with that.
My last day at my current company will be March 10 ad I will begin at the new company on March 11.
And... I will work in the same Office Complex as Donna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm envisioning lunch time walk breaks! Donna is so funny and I'm excited to be able to see her a little more often. I haven't had a WLS friend who I've consistently been able to hang out with, so I'm happy about that!
And in somewhat unrelated news, I saw yet another lowest adult weight this morning!
FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY out of the 240s!!! Freaking fantastic week!
Monday, February 24, 2014
Thursday I went to the UNC vs. dook game. It was AMAZING!!! And honestly I feel so thin and pretty (comparably) in the photos from the game!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
I will NEVER. EVER. go on another food date with someone who does not know about my lap band.
Especially not a first date.
So tonight I go on a date. Guy is nice and cute. Conversation is nice.
Until he mentions I've hardly touched my food. I was pushing it around my plate and taking little bites but my plate still looked full. But who says something about that!
But I was stuck. And the bathroom line was LONG. Fuck.
When he went to get me a take out box, it was coming, like it or not. I threw up in my napkin and down my shirt. All over myself. He didn't notice....I don't think.
I'd be shocked if he did notice, considering he still tried to get in my pants. Good thing he didn't put his hand down my shirt.
For the record, I wouldn't have gone home with him even if I hadn't thrown up/slimed on myself.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
2. I had my last appointment with my PA this morning prior to port revision! 18 days until they replace my port. And I got a 1.5CC fill today. I weighed 242.4 at the WLS office this morning. No change really.
3. It's official, my PA also let me know that I will absolutely need to take 3 weeks off from Bootcamp after surgery. Super bummed about this.
4. An old friend of mine is moving to China. She was someone who was there for me during a rough time and we drifted apart. I hadn't spoken to her in over a year, until she emailed me last weekend to ask if I wanted some of her stuff. I went to her house today, she wasn't home, to pick up the things I wanted, and it made me so very sad and miss her friendship. I tend to believe that people have a 'role' in your life, and when their role is done, they will fade away and their purpose is served. That doesn't mean I don't miss her role in my life.
5. I wish I could adapt that previous theory to my current feelings about Mr. Banker. I cry every day over what I thought was going to be, but it isn't, and I need to find a way to really cope with that.
6. One of my very best friends reminded me of some old photos this week. I truly love her for being so supportive and reminding me where I've come from.
7. My sister and nephew got tickets to come visit in June! I'm so super excited! I haven't seen them in over a year. I hope to be very close to my goal weight by then.
8. My birthday is a little over 2 months away and I'm getting excited already! I've been looking at birthday dresses but won't purchase one yet since I have no idea of my size at that time.
9. UNC v. dook basketball tonight!!!
GO HEELS! &&& GO TO HELL DUKE!
10. The house painting is coming along really well. I'm almost finished painting the entire downstairs of my house. It is really a great distraction from being alone with my thoughts.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The fact that I have trouble with words has always made me strongly value actions. Have you all heard of the 5 love languages?
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
I'm sure it is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I give and prefer to receive love via "Physical Touch". You can click that link above to take the quiz and find out yours. I very much express love through physical touch, and crave it as well. But I think I do the other things a lot also, it is just my personality to give to others.
During our time together, I felt sure that Mr. Banker loved me--I didn't think he knew it yet, but I had no doubt in my mind that he did. I thought his love language was quality time and physical touch. I just can't figure out how I could have been so wrong. Since I blocked him I haven't heard a peep from him. It makes me feel that he doesn't care, that I was nothing to him. The truth is, there is a part of me that thought blocking him would make him step up and be a man, and fix this. He messed this up! Not me. It was his job to fix it. The fact that he isn't tells me that I clearly didn't mean to him what I thought I did.
I just keep thinking back on these moments that made me believe he loved me, and wondering if it was an act, or if I misinterpreted them. I remember these little things and begin to cry.
This moment where he was so loving and physically affectionate in front of a friend of his.
The way he held me all night when he stayed over.
Decorating the Christmas tree together, and how I was going to do it without him but he asked me to wait so that we could do it together.
The Rhode Island shot glass that I pretended in front of him didn't make me a giddy little girl inside.
The night he came over after all of this started, and he cried when I said "I'm not angry with you, just disappointed in you".
I really thought all those things were love. I'm not sure I know how to tell when someone loves me anymore.
Monday, February 17, 2014
This weekend though, I had to change that. I needed something to keep me occupied, physically and mentally. And painting is really a cheap way to 'make over' the home, so I got started. I know these photos aren't the greatest, but it's hard to take house pictures!
The mocha wall extending from living room into the kitchen :)
Thursday, February 13, 2014
So, I will be going under the knife again on March 10th to have my Lap Band put back to it's 'like-new' condition!
I don't even know what tricks my doctor's office employed to get the insurance company to approve it, but I'm so happy they did!
Now, when I originally discussed this with my PA, she told me it wasn't possible for them to do a port revision with a low-profile port because the only way to get one would be to open a whole Lap Band kit...but I know from lots of blog reading that some of you out there have had port revision from a standard port to a low-profile port for cosmetic reasons, so I KNOW it is possible to get one!
So...being the astute and persistent person I am, I called up Apollo Endosurgery this morning (the company that bought the rights to LB), and asked. Guess what? The low-profile port CAN be ordered separately and only takes two days to arrive. So yeah, I'll be getting one of those. I really did not want to go from having the low-profile port currently to a larger, more protruding port after the revision!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
There's lots of time alone, inside, to think. It really isn't all that great for my mind right now. I tried to get a good friend to come get snowed in with me, since he works fairly close to my house, but he chose to go home instead. It ended up taking him 3 hours to make the 30 minute drive home. That's what he gets, haha! Oh well, what's done is done, I'm stuck inside and alone until this storm passes.
I hope I make it through being snowed in with my sanity. After 3 hours of snow, I had about 6 inches. The snow is still coming down fast now (after 4 hours) so I have no clue how much I'll end up with! I'm expecting it to be crazy...
And for those of you who don't understand the stowmagedon phenomenon in the south... this photo is about 10 minutes away from my home on a major highway:
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
It's so strange, because I truly had a great week. Monday I went to bootcamp, Tuesday I went to a basketball game, Wednesday was my grandfather's 80th birthday party, and last night I went to a friend's dinner. I haven't gone to bootcamp much this week, so maybe that is part of what I'm missing emotionally, but I am really struggling.
I feel completely emotionally drained and beat down lately. I have upped my antidepressant dosage to 150mg per day, which is the dose I was on for the 3 months I took it several years ago. But there's really not much relief lately.
I'm just really not okay. As much as I'm holding it together on the outside, on the inside I'm falling apart.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I have another post in mind today, but I'm pretty excited about this so I thought I'd share. Guess it will be a two post kind of day!
In other news, the bitchy administrator at my WLS office didn't submit the paperwork for my port revision to the insurance company until yesterday! Ugh. That's nearly a week since it was supposed to happen. It will be denied most likely but they were going to try some "coding tricks" to get it to go through.