Monday, December 30, 2013

2013: A Year of Ups, Downs, and NSVs

I feel like I was just celebrating the start to 2013, and I am here saying goodbye to it already.  I tend to think that how you spend your New Year's Eve night is how your year will go, so be sure to spend it wisely!

I decided to go through my blog to see what I have done this year, the good, the bad, and the ugly all included.  I started just as a reminder to myself, but you all can join the journey.  And for those of you who are new readers, this will be a good catch-up for you!


 My last weigh in of 2012 was 284.2.

January:  I began 2013 with 4 friends, their 'significant' others, and Robocop- the guy I started dating shortly before the new year.  It was a great night, mostly, but there was some turbulence along the way.  My baby cousin ended up being my first 2013 kiss (on the cheek) since her husband and Robocop disappeared to go make trouble.

February:  Nothing too significant happened during February.  I got my tattoo on the back of my neck in memory of a friend who passed away.  I have never admitted this to anyone, but I really did that because Robocop told me it was a stupid idea and not to do it.  I'm a little bit rebellious sometimes.   My weight held steady for most of February.

March:  March was an eventful month!  I did what I consider to be the most independent thing I've done in my entire life...more so than moving away for college or buying my home.  I traveled to Europe alone.  This trip had lots of NSVs, but my favorites were buckling an airplane seatbelt for the first time in at least 7 years, and climbing the Eiffel tower!!  I still find it hard to believe I climbed it, as terrified of heights as I am, but I did it!!

April:  April came and my weight began to drop again when I joined the C25K running group.  I also met Mr. Banker on April 23.

May:  In May, I celebrated my 25th birthday with friends, dancing, and alcohol.  It was probably my best birthday so far.

June:  In June, I ran (and walked) my first 5k.  I hated every second of it.

July:  I went to Burn Bootcamp for one class and I am not joking that it absolutely kicked my fucking ass.  I should really try to start that again.  July was also the month that I learned it was time to buy new panties when they fell off at Walmart (for actually the 2nd time).  Probably the funniest NSV I've experienced.

August:  I spent most of August with my band MUCH too tight.  I could hardly drink water, and somehow I didn't even lose weight!  I know, all of us banders know that a red-zone band actually does not help, which I personally think is counter-intuitive.  I changed companies for a pay and title increase. 

September:  I don't really know what to write about September.  It was a good month with Mr. Banker, but there was some personal turbulence with remnants of an ex popping up in my life again.

October:  The negativity from previous mentioned events in September found their way into October.  I reached a breaking point and decided I needed to make an appointment for therapy and visit my PCP for anti-depressants.  I'm so glad I didn't wait to do that!

November:  I started feeling better and the scale started moving in the downward direction again!  Finally! The only other thing noteworthy was the night I decided to "practice" the L word and was caught off guard when Mr. Banker was, in fact, actually awake.

December:  This month has had it's own set of quirks, so I think I am glad for a new beginning.  It seems that I have only lost about 40 pounds this year, but slow and steady wins the race I suppose.

Before I end my last post of 2013, I want to wish you all a happy and safe New Year's Eve.  I will see you all in 2014 to continue my life's journey with Lap Band and looking forward to reaching my goal weight in 2014!

Yep, I said it, that's my plan for 2014-- REACH MY GOAL WEIGHT BEFORE MY 2 YEAR BANDIVERSARY.  I'm not calling it a resolution, it's a goal, and I will get there!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

End of the Year Updates

I have so many things to tell you all, weight loss related and otherwise, that I don't even know where to start.  I apologize in advance if this blog seems scatter-brained because it will just be all over the place.

First, my last post, I apologize if I worried anyone.  I was really not at all okay, but am doing better.  I prayed and have come to a conclusion about things, and am at peace with my decision.

Christmas was nice... I was in a funk of course, so it was hard, but it was a nice day with my family.  I got a lot of really nice gifts, the food was good, and I absolutely did not over eat.  I did PB though, after eating a sugar free brownie that got stuck. I forgot how painful and violent a stuck episode can be.

And guess what?  I came home from my parents' house to see 241.2 on the scale!!!  That's my lowest adult weight!!!  That means I lost weight over Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year.  I'm effing awesome, ha.  Lots of people have mentioned my weight loss lately too, and that feels GREAT.

I took this full length selfie Friday because I realized it had been a while.
Those are size 14 jeans, but I could technically fit the 12s.
I really wore a 24/26 18 months ago?

I went shopping several times during my break.  Friday I went into Charlotte Russe, a store I have NEVER purchased anything from.  My little cousin convinced me to try on this gorgeous dress, size L.  I told her it would never fit in a million years.  But it did.  And I LOVED it.  I wish I'd bought it, but I am strapped for money right now and couldn't justify it.  Yesterday I went dress shopping again.  Although I can't afford a new dress, I desperately want a new New Years Eve outfit.  I will not buy one though.  Anyway, point of the story is, I went into Forever 21.  Why do I still pick up dtresses in size 3X?!  And I seriously think they're going to fit...  Needless to say, they were much too big, and I had to send the attendant out to get me every dress I had picked in a size XL instead.  I bet she was annoyed with me.

Mr. Banker and I did our Christmas Friday night.  We still need to go out to celebrate his 30th birthday, but we will do that soon.  His gifts to me were cute- 2 of them were kind of jokes.  Things that anyone else would see me open and be like "what?!" but he and I know why he got them for me.  I like things like that... I've always said the little things make me happiest.

So Mr. Banker and I have come to a fork in the road.  Either we are going to be in a relationship, or we're going to be completely done.  He says he isn't going to lose me, so I asked him to take some time and REALLY think about this.  I'm hoping that soon I will have good news for you all on that front, but only time will tell.  Friday night he said something that sounded like he feels that we've been in a relationship even if it didn't have a title.  No kidding, when did you come to that realization Mr. Banker?

Last night I went to watch UFC with someone from my past.  This person is really a negative force in my life and about once a year I decide to torture myself by seeing him.  I once thought I loved him and now I can't figure out why or how I could have.  He is so condescending and demeaning.  Anyway, I hadn't seen him since surgery, but he knows I had it.  We stopped talking about a year ago when he told me it was insulting to him that I "paid for my weight loss and he has to work for his".  Just to give you an idea of what kind of person he is.  Anyway, I actually had a good time.  I was there with him and his friend and he didn't say anything insulting, although he did not compliment me on the fact that I've lost about 105 pounds since he last saw me either.  But then when he left he didn't have the nicest things to say via text.  Why do I keep seeking his approval when I know I will NEVER get it?!

And....because I don't want to end on a negative note, I'm going to share some throwback pictures I found at my parents house on Christmas eve.  I had the BEST time going through old photos!

Christmas 1989 with my sisters

Christmas approx 1993 with my sisters
Mr. Banker says I look exactly the same now when I don't have makeup on.

Best guess is 1992, apparently I was annoyed with having my photo taken

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas blogger friends & family

Today, for Christmas, I am asking for wisdom to make the right decision, and strength to follow through with it.  Monday I experienced a 'make it or break it' moment in my life, and I honestly don't know what to do.  I know what I WANT the outcome to be, but I don't know if it's possible, or right.  If what I WANT will only cause further hurt later on.  I hope I come to the right conclusion, even if it may not be what I want.  Sorry to be a little Debbie Downer, but I'm struggling and I have no one to talk to.  I can't let my parents know I'm not okay, so I am walking around with a smile on my face and aching inside. 

The show must go on.

Last Thursday when I had my fill, my PA was surprised that I wanted a tighter fill.  She said most of her patients want to be loosened right before Christmas.  My response was "Christmas isn't about food, it is about love and family".  I hope that I can embrace the love and family part today, regardless of whatever else I'm going through.

Monday, December 23, 2013

I love to Over Eat :(

My fill on Thursday was quite good.  My PA gave me 1.2CC, which is a real big girl fill.  On the fluoroscopy machine there was slight 'reflux' but I asked her to leave it like that because I wanted an aggressive fill.  She agreed as long as I promised to come back Friday if I had a PB episode.  I agreed, but no PBing here.  I can tell my band is tight, but at a good level.

So my band is good, but I'm not.

I ate to the point of feeling miserable TWICE yesterday, and this morning my weight was up.  Both times it was because my food was just too good to stop.  Damn it.

First was the kid's meal from Boston Market:  turkey, spinach, and mashed sweet potatoes.  Granted, it could've been worse, it WAS a small portion and I could've made worse food choices.  Never the less, I ate far beyond the point of 'satisfaction'.

Then, in the evening, I made Luka's Chicken Tortilla soup.  OMG...Delicious!  So delicious.  To the point that I ate a whole bowl and could not lay on my stomach at bed time because it hurt. 

Damn it Hollee...when will I learn?! 

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Weekend Shenanigans

Warning:  This post will be full of lovey dovey life happenings and likely have next to nothing to do with weight loss or my band....

Oh goodness.... You know it was a good night when at the time the bathroom floor seems like the most comfortable place to sleep.  That was me, last night.

I threw together a little get together since my baby cousin is in town from New York.  It was last minute and I knew it would be a smaller than usual crowd because quite a few friends were traveling for the holidays, but I wanted to do something.  I invited Mr. Banker, and casually let him know there would be family in attendance and he said he'd come.  I was kind of surprised but since he didn't make it a big deal, I didn't either.

My good friend from high school and her boyfriend were the first to arrive, right on time.  Mr. Banker arrived next with 3 wrapped Christmas presents that he placed under my tree and one that was unwrapped because he wanted me to have it then...a UNC snowman ornament for my upstairs Christmas tree that he and I decorated together a few weeks ago.  It was very sweet.

Another friend and her new boy also came and two cousins.  There were 8 of us total, which is a small group, but it was a great time.  There was lots of wine and beer, laughing, and we played the game Taboo.  Mr. Banker and I ruled at that game... a friend even made a comment on how well we interact with each other and finish each other's sentences.

I had absolutely WAYYYYYYYYY too much wine.  To the point that when all my friends left and Mr. Banker and I went to bed, it felt as though the room was spinning and I was going to get sick.  I got up to sit in my bathroom in front of the toilet but couldn't get sick.  Now that I think of it, aside from PB'ing, I have not thrown up since surgery.  I can only imagine how violent that would feel to come through the band.  Anyway, sorry for that visual.  When Mr. Banker came to check on me I got back in bed, but shortly felt sick again so I again retreated to the bathroom.  Where I decided I would just lay on the floor until the sickness came, but it never did and I passed out on the bathroom floor haha.  

Sweet Mr. Banker again came to check on me and bring me back to bed.  This is particularly nice because he was also quite drunk but instead of also passing out, he worried about me enough to keep checking on me.  I love when he stays the night.  He always holds me the whole night.  I could never get enough of that.


Friday, December 20, 2013

2nd round of #FF (Flashback Friday)

Welcome to another edition of Flashback Friday #fff
July 23, 2011

Sometimes it is really hard for me to get my eyes and my brain to talk to each other.  

When I look into the mirror, I see that girl pictured above.
Then I scroll down this page and see that photo I took in the mirror earlier this week, and I'm like "Holy shit Hollee, you lost 100 pounds.  Why can't you see it?"

I honestly don't know the answer to that.  I wish I did.

I struggle with this every day.  I take tons of pictures because I NEED to so that I can see the difference losing 100 pounds has made.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

TTT and requesting your Advice (#10)

1.  Good morning everyone!  Life is great... I have felt so happy and cheerful lately!  I don't know if life is just great or if it's the holidays or the antidepressant, but I hope this feeling continues.  I can't remember the last time I had such a positive and clear outlook on things.

2. It's fill day...again.  I weighed myself this morning and the scale hasn't budged since my fill 2 weeks ago....still steady at 247.  I think my PA will be slightly disappointed, but I can't say I am.  The holidays are a really difficult time to try to lose weight, but I'm going to keep trying.

3. I haven't written anything about it but for about 2 months I've been trying to help Mr. Banker get a new job.  I started by re-imaging his resume, and then we applied to 4 banks online together.  I told him not to get his hopes up because in my experience, out of 100 jobs, I might get 5 interviews.  But, he has gotten responses/interviews from every job!  He has his last interview today, and should hear something soon.  I know good things are about to happen for him, and I'm so proud of him for taking steps to better himself.

4.  Since my baby cousin surprised our family with a visit on Monday, I've  decided to have a little gathering at my house tomorrow night.  It will be small, just a couple of friends and family, and Mr. Banker.  I'm excited that he hasn't acted nervous/weird about meeting some members of my family.

5.  Yesterday my company announced that they are going to start using the system I used to use at my old job to build studies.  I'm WAYYY too happy about this.  I loved building studies in this system, so I'm going to have a talk with my manager about it soon.  They are planning to start the certification process in the new year, but I'm already certified so hopefully this will give me some leverage.

6.  I'm kind of annoyed with a friend.  I'm stuck on whether or not to say anything to her.  Mr. Banker says I should, but I have nearly decided there is no point.  We have been friends for 7 years, and I have been an extremely good friend to her.  The ONLY argument we have ever had in 7 years was this past July, and it was over the same thing, so I feel like if she cared she would have fixed the issue.  I don't see a point in harping on the same thing again.

7.  Totally random to mention on my blog, but I guess that's what TTT is good for:  I never believed in Santa.  Sorry Mom if you're reading this, but I never really did.  I wish I had.

8.  I love glasses.  I mean, I hate that I am blind as a bat, but glasses are a fun accessory to me.  I wear them about 50% of the time.  I have 5 pairs that I alternate between, and my mom had extra FSA money to blow, so she bought me a new pair yesterday.  I can't wait to wear them!

9.  Another thing I love...pretty panties.  The weight loss thing kind of sucks because I refuse to buy expensive under garments knowing they will not fit shortly.  But I miss my sexy undies.  Even if no one can see them, when I am wearing something hot under my clothes, I feel a million times more confident!

10.  Speaking of confidence...I have been thinking about my weight loss, or lack there of, lately.  I think I've gotten complacent.  I think I am happy with my body.  Happy enough that if I stayed this weight for the rest of my life, I could live with that.  I know I shouldn't be happy with that...  I've lost 100, but I could easily lose 80 more pounds, but my goal was never to be that small anyway.  I know I'm still plus size.  I know 247 is still a lot as far as numbers go.  But then I look at myself in the mirror and I'm freaking happy with what I see.  Is that bad?  I don't know... I know it's good to love yourself, but maybe I'm loving myself too much and it's keeping me from getting to goal?  Any thoughts on how to be happy with where you are and still want to go further?  Yea, reaching my goal of 199 would feel awesome... I know I'd probably cry if I saw a 1 on my scale.  But it just doesn't feel like a priority anymore.  Help and advice on this is much appreciated.
Unfortunately, I no longer have my "Before" photos taken in a black bikini, but I promise you there is a world of difference between me now, and me then.  I know this may look like a "before" picture to a lot of you...but I am happy with where I am.   

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

On Cloud 9

I can't imagine being happier than I am right now.  I know it's possible, but I can't imagine it at this moment.

As if I haven't already been over the freaking moon because of how good things have been with Mr. Banker, I got the best surprise last night!!!!

Yesterday I went to meet a friend at the mall.  Honestly I was tired but went anyway.  When I got there, instead of the friend I was supposed to meet, I was met with an awesome surprise.  My baby cousin who now lives in NY is visiting and the stinker kept it a secret from everyone.  I swear it made my whole week the moment I saw her.  I haven't seen her since June and we were actually in a little fight when she left NC, so it was completely unexpected.  I'm so excited she is here this week and that I'm going to get to spend some time with her!! 

Just wanted to gush over how happy I am.  If you all could just see how lit up I am right now with the biggest smile on my face!

Monday, December 16, 2013

Christmas...Go away!

I have always loved Christmas.  I'm the kind of girl who for as long as I can remember, started dreaming of Santa Claus and Sugar Plum Fairies in September each year.  I love the music, the decorations, the joy I feel, seeing family, and of course the food.  I used to dedicate a whole day to baking the week before Christmas.

Chocolate covered peanut butter balls.

No bake chocolate oatmeal cookies.

Coffee cakes.

Pumpkin bread.  Strawberry bread.

Pecan sandies.

Peanut butter cookies.

Every kind of pie you can think of.

But last year I decided to break this tradition.  I did make a few things, and gave them as gifts to Robocop, my dad, and a couple of friends, but I didn't go all out.  This year I have pretty much decided I wont do it at all.  Mr. Banker isn't a fan of sweets and now that my mom has diabetes I feel guilty bringing anything like that home to them. 

BUT... here's my problem.  I'm trying really hard to give up coffee, but it's a Monday morning and I NEEDED it.  So at 9am, I finally gave in to my inner caffeine fiend and went to the break room to get my cup of Joe.  On the table was the most beautiful spread of chocolate chip cookies I've ever seen.  So yeah, it's not even 10am and I've had a cookie.  Good going Hollee.  The same problem occurred Friday.  Chocolate peppermint bark and an assortment of cookies were awaiting my arrival Friday morning, and I started early.  The good news is, my scale is holding steady.  The bad news is, my scale is holding steady haha.  I am trying to lose, not maintain!  Although all the shit I'm eating I feel like I should be gaining.

I guess my Lap Band is my saving grace, because I can only imagine the amounts of crap I would've devoured by now without it.  I just need to make it through the next 2 weeks and the junk-food season will be over.  2014 can't get here soon enough!

P.S. I know this meme is horrible, but it made me giggle out loud at work.  Sorry!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

No More Lap-Band

Now, before you all freak out, no, I haven't had surgery in the last 3 days since I wrote and gotten my band removed.  Nor am I currently considering it.

But seriously, the last 2 months, I feel like there is no longer a band in my body.  Now, before you all suggest I've slipped or that I need a fill, I've been seeing my WLS PA every other week since October.  My band looks perfect under fluoroscopy and I've been getting adjusted regularly and staying as tight as my PA will allow.

But here I am, able to eat much more that I feel I should.  And it's not even a matter of "I can but I shouldn't because I'm not really hungry".  If I eat the portion I think I should eat (about 1.5 cups), I'm still sitting there starved.  And I'm eating almost strictly protein for the first cup of food.

Where has my lap band gone??

I'm glad I haven't PB'd in months, but it would also be nice if I didn't feel like I could eat a horse.  I am able to eat bread now, which I never could do before.  I still do not eat it, only twice have I had a bread-like substance since surgery, but both times have been recently.  I am losing weight again, so I feel like I shouldn't complain, but I would really love to feel satisfied after eating the right portion of food.  I've been struggling a lot with hunger lately.  When I go back next Thursday, I will ask my PA to give me the most aggressive fill possible.  I would rather have to see her the next day for an unfill than to keep dealing with this hunger.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

2...maybe 3... NSVs in ONE week!

 Happy Weekend Everyone!
I haven't had an NSV post in a while.  I'm not sure if it's because the weight loss has slowed (damn near stopped), or if I've stopped paying attention to life because I've been so busy looking at the scale, but this week I had TWO NSVs occur to me and I wanted to share!
1.  I bought this dress last year on Christmas Eve at Ross for $9.  It's a regular size L backless lace dress.
I've waited quite some time to wear it, because I don't want to be "that girl" in the club that has rolls hanging out everywhere.  Feeling comfortable in my clothes is essential to having a good time for me.  So last night I put this on, and it finally fit in a way that I felt like I could strut my stuff in public without feeling self-conscious. 
I can't wear a normal or even strapless bra with this since it is almost backless all the way down to my butt.  Now, my boobs are pretty perky even after losing weight (so far), and everyone told me I could get away without wearing a bra and no one would notice, but I just didn't feel comfortable.  So I bought these tape (bandaid-like) bra cups at Walmart for $4 and they were perfect.  My boobs didn't even jiggle when I danced haha.  Could this be a second NSV in-and-of itself?  Maybe, but I'll wrap it up into one awesome NSV because I felt sexy!  Now, when I posted a photo of this dress on facebook, my mother said she hoped they discounted it for lack of material, and I'd be getting a lecture today when I saw her, so that must mean it was TOO sexy...perfect ;).
2.  The other NSV was earlier this week...  I have noticed as I've lost weight I no longer feel the need to layer a shirt over a camisole to hide fat rolls.  I NEVER went out of the house without a cami pre-surgery.  It was a staple of my every day wardrobe.  Now, I do like camis still, but they are no longer necessary for the reason they were before.
However, I do need to be more careful.  Thursday I wore a pink bra under a cream/grey/pink striped sweater and it wasn't until I got on the elevator to go home and saw myself in the reflection of the elevator doors that I realized it was blaringly obvious that I wasn't wearing a camisole, and I could see the detail of my pink and black lace trimmed bra clearly.  Well Crap.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Happy Thursday... Here's 10 Things :)

1.  I have every excuse in the book about why I haven't been exercising.  My favorite is "it's too cold".  They're all BULL SHIT.

2.  It's fill day, again.  Yes, I am seeing her every 2 weeks right now.  And it's working, so I'm going to keep doing that until either I get to goal or my band is as tight as it will go!

3.  I really dislike afternoon fill appointments.  It makes that 24-hours of liquid dieting seem so much longer.  It's easier when I get a fill in the morning so that by the next morning I can wake up and have yogurt.

4.  I'm really happy lately.  I like this trend.

5.  Mr. Banker seems happier too.  I still wish he'd get in to see a therapist, to help him figure some things out, but at least he's on an upward trend.  And he really loves the gifts... last night he guessed one of them, because he's figured out that many of the gifts have some kind of significance to us, and things we have done together.

6.  Speaking of therapist, yesterday was my last free therapy session through my EAP.  I do like my therapist, so in January I might start paying to see her sporadically.  It helps to have someone I can talk to on a completely honest level.  And receive her feedback in a completely open minded way.

7.  People have been telling me how good I look or that I look like I have lost weight A LOT lately.  It feels nice to hear that again.  My favorite though, is when Mr. Banker puts his arms around me and tells me I feel smaller (he has done this twice now in the last two weeks).

8.  Last night, UNC basketball beat #1 ranked team Michigan State!  HEELS!  It has been a rough basketball season so far, we haven't played well, so this was a huge victory.  Mr. Banker and I watched the first half together before he went home, then I went to bed assuming we would lose and missed the win.  Oh well.

9. It is going to be a busy weekend.  2 friends birthday celebrations, and Saturday I have to go to my parents for a little while to take care of their 8 dogs while they are out of town.  They do this cute thing every year where they take a day trip to the mountains (2 hour drive) to cut down their Christmas tree together.  It's just freaking adorable haha.

10.  This gigantic box of chocolate was in my work break room today.  I needed to take a picture because this thing was bigger than my mid section!  I had a piece or 4.  Oops.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


For those of you who have been following me for a while, you already know that I switched jobs in August, and at the beginning, I was struggling with that decision quite a bit.  I stopped talking about it and decided it was time to just decide to be happy.  After all, I believe happiness is 50% choice.

Unfortunately, although I've decided to be happy, I think I am still mourning my old job.  My old mentor.  My old work family.  My old learning opportunities.  Everything.

The people at this new company are nice.  They make being here bearable.  But I miss LEARNING.  I love to learn.  I love to feel like I'm growing personally.  And I just am not getting that in my current opportunity.

Today, I needed to get out of the office and went to the mall.  I ran into two old coworkers, and seeing them just made me feel "home".  My old company was my family, it wasn't just a place to work.  Seeing them, these two people that I wasn't even particularly close to, made me realize how much I have been mourning my old job.  I know writing this out isn't going to change anything, but I just needed a way to express it.  Thanks for listening.