Thursday, October 31, 2013

Tricks, NOT treats, from an Adult Bully

Has everyone see THIS STORY about the woman in North Dakota who has decided she's only giving candy to the kids she deems a 'healthy weight' and the 'obese' kids will get letters regarding their problem?

I can't cover everything wrong with this in the 5 minutes I have on my break at work, but this PISSED ME OFF!

First, who gives this woman the right to decide who 'deserves' candy and who doesn't?  I'm pretty sure she wont have her BMI calculator handy either.

Isn't candy equally unhealthy for the kids who are 'acceptable' weights?

Do you really think your letter is going to make the kids feel any better?

I'm pretty sure if I was that obese kid that got a "You're fat" letter, I would just go home and eat the candy I got from the rest of my neighbors, to smother my hurt feelings.

Lady, you're ridiculous.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Baby Steps

They say the first step to getting better is admitting there is a problem.

So I'm admitting there's a problem.

Things aren't good in my head right now.  I can't really talk about it on here what is wrong, because I can't really put my finger on it.  I know it has a lot to do with my ex, Mr. Banker, my negative body image, and lack of support from friends lately.

Today I looked up the number to my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will provide 4-5 free counseling sessions.

It's a good start.

On the weight loss front, I was on 90% liquid protein yesterday, and only brought protein shakes and a Greek yogurt to work today, so I'm trying to make changes in my diet as well.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Discouraged

I'm feeling discouraged.

About everything really.  But definitely about my weight loss.

I've bounced between 245-255 up and down for 3 months.  Yes, I know I've still lost 90+ pounds, but I still have so far to go.  I don't feel like I'm making bad food choices.  I know I haven't exercised as much as I should, but I started running again last week.  And still, I saw an EVEN HIGHER number this morning.  I was not at all happy with it.

I even spent several hours researching corrective bariatric surgery on Saturday.  I don't know what to do.

I think I'm going to go strict liquid protein diet for a few weeks and see how that goes to give me a "restart".  My fills just don't seem to give me the same "restriction" anymore.  I eat the amount of food I am supposed to eat, and I just don't feel "full" anymore.  I have to eat much more to not feel hunger, and that is discouraging.

My band hasn't slipped.  I've been religiously getting my fills.  I eat protein first.  I follow the basic rules.  WTF.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Tricked Ya!

 Sorry bloggers, but please forgive me, I lied to you all.
Thursday I said A didn't have birthday plans, but we had a "surprise" birthday dinner for her last night.
Unfortunately I am the worst liar on the planet, and A wasn't the least bit surprised.

E, Me, A, K, and OP 

We went to a nice little Italian restaurant - Brio.
This is the children's portion of Chicken Parmigana:
Let me tell you all again how much I LOVE using my WLS card to order from the children's menu.
That was supposed to be gluten free pasta, but I'm not convinced it was.  I had a few small bites of the pasta and wasn't feeling that great so I stuck to the chicken.  I ate two of those chicken tenders and was STUFFED!

I'm getting concerned about my level of restriction.  I have 6.3 CC in my band.  I just really want to feel the restriction that I did in the beginning, but I don't.

On Thursday, my PA Erica told me that after about a year some patients just stop feeling restriction.  That concerns me.  I want to get to goal so bad.  It's true that I still don't eat ANYWHERE near the potions I did pre surgery, but I'm legitimately scared that my band has "stopped working". 

Today will be run #4 in the last 8 days, so if the scale doesn't start moving in the downward direction soon, I don't know what I'll do.  I've never wanted anything more in my life than to get to my goal weight.  I can't stop now.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Flashback Fat Friday

That should be a thing.... #flashbackfatfriday  ...someone start it lol...

So, it can be easy to forget how far you've come.  I'm good at it.  I'm good at focusing on the 50 pounds I have left to lose and forgetting the 100 I've worked so hard to get off.  So today I took a trip down memory lane.

And I realized I really am smaller than I have been in over 10 years.  Want some proof?


September 2007
College Best friends Jamison and Garrett

December 2007
With Best friend

 March 2008
Holding the Hollywood Sign

September 2009
The night I thought OP was going to die of alocohol poisoning

July 2010
Bridesmaid at Lo's wedding

September 2011
Foreign exchange sisters <3

April 2012



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to spend the rest of the day celebrating the success and progress I've had so far, and kick this extra 50 pound's ass tomorrow.


As requested, ^^ photo taken 25October2013 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

1.  Happy Birthday week to one of my dearest friends, A :)

She is kind of boycotting her birthday this year, which sucks, but since we're not doing anything, I wanted to give her a special shout on my blog, and hope she reads!

Happy Birthday A <3

2.  Why does Denny's always look so effing good on my drive from the Weight Loss Surgery clinic?  I swear, I pass a Denny's several other times a week, and never want it.  But it always looks SOOOO damn good after I've just gotten an adjustment and am not supposed to eat solid food for 24 hours.

3.  I saw my PA this morning and she reluctantly gave me a +0.5 CC fill, which puts me up to 6.3 CC total.  She says I'm really tight and requested I do liquids for 48 hours instead this time because I am REALLY tight.  Hopefully this is the adjustment I need to get me where I need to be to get off this plateau.

4.  Weight this morning was 254.4.  No change.

5.  I finally got off my ass and ran a few times over the last week.  My scale can't tell it.

6.  The weather here in NC is crisp and cool.  I walked outside this morning to find frost in my back yard.  My pup loves it, but I get so frustrated with him because we have to walk FOREVER right now to get him to use the bathroom.  He's just enjoying himself too much in the cold air to stop and do his business.

7.  I'm not a brave Bandster.  I was looking at Erica's instagram and she is so brave.  She uses #lapband tags and is very public and open about her surgery with the world wide web.  I wish I could be open like that, but I don't want people I went to high school with talking about "Hollee only lost the weight because she had surgery".  My home town is small minded people and I know people would talk.  I made a small step forward toward being more open and put my blog link in my 'description' but I doubt anyone will actually come over to read from my instagram.  (If you want to follow me, I'm holleealexandria on ig)

8.  I finally saw a doctor last week about the fact that after 3.5 years without a period I was bleeding for 3 weeks!  We decided that if it didn't stop within a week, he'd put me on some meds.  So here I am, finally surrendering to taking meds and the bleeding has almost stopped.  SO THANKFUL!

9.  I hope that the bleeding subsiding also means my hormones are going to straighten out.  I swear I have been an emotional WRECK the last 3-4 weeks.  I cry at the drop of a hat lately.  I have cried at least once a day for weeks, and usually more than once, and some of the times, it has been completely unexplainable.  Other times it was about Mr. Banker or thinking about the poor children in the research study I'm working on who may never talk again.  I'm ridiculously emotional.

10.  Speaking of Mr. Banker....things are still pretty strained between us.  I'd like to think this is perceived strain, but I don't know.  I am just going to TRY my best to be patient, and trust that what we have is good enough that it HAS TO work out.  We're still talking all day every day, but our schedules didn't really work out to see each other this week and part of that is my fault, but part of it is his too.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Have you been a bad surgeon?

LBG posted this very thought provoking article on her facebook about Allergan removing surgeons from their website for poor aftercare.  So I went on over to see if my mom's surgeon was listed.  Remember, the surgeon who was trying to push her away from the band, who told her the band doesn't work, etc.

Surprise, he is not.

That's sarcasm.

But the real surprise was that my surgeon is not there either.

Has anyone changed doctors after surgery for personal reasons (something other than moving)?  I'm not considering changing doctors, just a question out of curiosity.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Weekend

I don't have anything TOO exciting to talk about... maybe I'm feeling kind of blah.

Friday I felt soooo bad from not sleeping/being hung over after Thursday's UNC game.  I stayed home and made the copykat Wendy's chilli recipe.  It was pretty good, but I think I should've added just a little extra tomato juice since I drained all of the grease, just to make it a little more 'brothy'.

Here's the recipe.

Saturday I met Donna from Happily After Lap Band for lunch at a cute little Mexican Restaurant.  It was really great meeting her!  She is so easy to talk to and for me it is always nice meeting someone else who is banded and can understand the struggles that go along with being banded.  None of my friends "get it" the way you all do... while they're great and supportive, it is different to be able to talk to someone who has shared my experiences.

After lunch, I met two friends and their kids at a pumpkin patch.  It really made me miss my nephew in California.  I have fun memories from taking him to the pumpkin patch in my hometown.

In the evening I was supposed to go out in downtown Raleigh, but I had a little headache so my friend and I opted to stay in with a glass of wine.  It's really what I needed to do anyway, to catch up.  Another friend-CL, was out in downtown Raleigh and saw Mr. Banker.  CL and Mr. Banker had never met, but both knew a lot about each other and had seen photos of each other.  CL spent her evening drunkenly watching him to make sure he wasn't being "bad" and at the end of the night introduced herself to him.  Luckily he knew she was just drunk and I hadn't put her up to spying on him.  I already knew he wasn't being bad, he'd spent his evening texting with me while he was out...

He called me on his way home from the club and we talked for a long while.  He mentioned for the second time in the last week that he remembers my birthday.  I really think he thinks our little argument three weeks ago came out of him not remembering my birthday, it really didn't...it was his "If I had a girlfriend" comment.  But it's nice to know he's making an effort to remember my birthday.

Yesterday I didn't do anything.  I napped most of the day and watched football.  I think I might be starting to get anemic after 2 straight weeks of PMS :(  I need it to stop SOON!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Human Nature vs. Low Self Esteem

I struggle with this, because it's hard to figure out what is "normal" or positive self-esteem.  Sometimes I can say that I've always liked myself a normal amount, and other times I look back on situations and think "yeah, if my self-esteem was better, I wouldn't have been in that situation".  I do think that as a general rule, I think I'm a "good catch".

Tonight, Mr. Banker and I were talking about "being wanted" (physically).  I said that I think it is human nature to be wanted.  We have had a similar conversation regarding love.  But this time, he said "I think you need to be wanted more than the average person".  He didn't say this in a derogatory way, just a statement.  We agreed to disagree about it and moved on to the next topic.

But here I sit after our conversation at 3am still thinking about what he said.

Do I need to feel physically wanted as a result of low self-esteem?

Or do we all have this need to feel that?

I look in the mirror and I see an attractive person who has many of the things she wants/needs in life.  Yes, I see the extra weight I'm carrying around, but I don't think it defines me.  But maybe I have that need to feel wanted to prove that I'm better than I was 100 pounds ago.  I don't know what it is.  I really have never seen this need to be wanted as a problem, until he said that I need that more than other people.  The conversation wasn't at all a big deal, it was just something said in passing on another topic, but it really got me thinking about how I measure my self-worth.

I'd like to think that the two things aren't related, but if they weren't, I don't think this conversation would be bothering me.

I'd like to think that how many times I get hit on or asked out has nothing to do with how I measure my self-worth, but I think it must.  Think about it this way, if you went through life looking like a beauty queen, but not once did anyone tell you you were beautiful, you probably would not feel beautiful.  I think it's okay to gain some sort of confidence by other's perception of you, as long as that's not ALL you judge yourself on.

Thoughts?

Friday, October 18, 2013

The night UNC almost beat Miami

If you can tell how much fun you had by how bad you feel the next morning, I must have had a REALLY REALLY good time last night.

Mr. Banker and I began talking about going to a UNC football game back in August.  With the help of a friend, we decided go to the UNC/Miami game months ago.  We have had a rough 3 weeks, so I wasn't sure we would still go.  Mr. Banker and I have been better the last week or so and decided to still go to the game.

Mr. Banker and I both got off of work early.  I was supposed to go get another Lap Band adjustment before the game yesterday, but thanks to the help of my slightly-too-tight skirt, I could not keep food down yesterday and decided to cancel my appointment.  As soon as I changed my clothes, I was fine.  It was so strange, because I've worn tighter clothes before, I think it was just where the waistband fell that made me feel so sick.  It was a very high waisted skirt.

Anyway, Mr. Banker met me at my house and we left early to go to Chapel Hill.  I had to let Wrangler join in on the gameday fun, so Mr. Banker took this photo of me and Wrangler:


I always love being on campus.  I didn't want either of us to have to pay for parking, so we parked 1.8 miles from campus on the street that I used to live on in Chapel Hill.  This would've been a decent walk except that we unfortunately had to make it 4 times instead of twice, because we left my alcohol in the car.  So yeah, total between the walking around campus and to and from my car 4 times, it was about an 8 miles walk.

We had a good time together and I am really hopeful that Mr. Banker and I are going to be okay.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Wine Flight

Just a quick post to share a photo from last night's Wine Night.
It was supposed to be a fundraiser for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but not enough people showed up to do the art raffle.
Oh well, I still had a good time with my friend A and got to sample 3 different wines from 3 different areas (hence the name Wine Flight).


P.S.  I cut 8 inches off of my hair, did anyone notice?
Probably not because it's still fairly long.

Yesterday I woke up with my hair almost touching my butt, and went to sleep with it barely hitting my bra.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Can I get in the Green PLEASE?

I had high hopes last week after seeing Erika.  But my band is just not tight enough.

I like to be really snug.  I like to NEED to chew my food into oblivion to be able to swallow.  I like to PB when I make the wrong choices or don't follow the rules.  To me, it is a reminder that I need to slow down or make better decisions.

I am close to where I need to be, but not quite there.  Yesterday I ate 3 Large Wendy's Chilis throughout the course of the day- it's all I ate yesterday.  Yes, I'm addicted.  I'd prefer to feel full after one of those, but I never really did.  That's my sign that I'm NOT QUITE where I need to be.

Going back to see Erika again this week.  Hopefully she will give me a tiny adjustment to get me to where I need to be.  Maybe just +0.2 more....

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Self-Harm

I have a confession to make.

I

self-

harm.

This is going to be a deeply personal post.  I don't know how long I will allow it to remain public, but I have all these thoughts circling my head, it is late, and I need to put them somewhere.

No, I have NEVER cut myself.  I'm creative.  But I didn't fully understand what I was doing to myself until tonight.

Why do I do it?  I don't know... maybe I have masochistic tendencies or maybe it is easier for me to hurt myself than for others to hurt me.

I believe it started at a young age.  Feeding my feelings.  I would eat until I literally hurt.  I would eat until I could hardly move.  This was my preferred method of self-harm for most of my life.

Then I did it in other ways in early adulthood.  After Max, I cannot even put into words all the things I did to cover my hurt and self-loathing.  I put myself in dangerous situations.  I 'joked' on many occasions that I should be dead from the things I did.  And yet I did them, knowing well that I might not walk away from them.  And I was perfectly okay with that.

It took me about a year to even BEGIN to recover from Max, and then I had Lap Band surgery.

I could no longer self-harm with food.
I had stopped engaging in those dangerous situations, after one left me bruised up and kicked out of my home.

And I thought I was magically better.  I do think I was better for most of the last year.

But then I did it Monday.  And I knew I was doing it as I did it.  As I sent Banker the text message to end our semi-relationship, I knew I was doing it for different reasons than I was telling him.  I might not have been AS CLEAR on it then as I am now, but somewhere in there, I knew.

I told Banker we couldn't continue because he doesn't want a relationship...but really it was because I wanted to hurt myself before he could.

Just prior to deciding to send that message, I had come to the realization that I could love this guy.  I wasn't sure, but if the word was coming to mind, there was something to it--at least the potential.  And the last time I loved a man, it destroyed my life.  So I wanted to take care of that business then and there.  He could not hurt me if I did it before he could.

This is all so incredibly hard for me to admit.  I think I need to work through this.

As for Banker, I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know if I have ruined it.  I sabotaged something good because I was terrified of the possibility of getting hurt.  That was clearly not a well thought out plan.

Lap Band Reset.....Complete

So I think I have a girl-crush on my PA (Erica).  I was wayyy too excited to see her today.  It's been 8 months since I saw her and I smiled for probably the first time all week.  I'm down in the dumps... eating my way through my feelings.  So I knew I had gained weight, just wasn't sure how much as I refused to step on the scale after seeing 260 one night.  I was PISSED at myself.

So I weighed 254 at the doctor this morning.  That's +3 pounds since my last adjustment.  I expected Erica to yell at me, but she didn't.  She didn't even bring up the gain, so I did it for her.

Her response was "Hollee, you're doing great.  You're a phenomenal band patient.  Life happens, but here you are getting an adjustment anyway.  Let's just get your band tightened so you can keep up the good work."

Then when she saw how fast the barium went through my band before my adjustment she said it was no wonder I'd been hungry and gained weight.

So, I feel good.  I just need to tweak my habits with the help of this adjustment and keep it moving.

My surgeon refuses to ever tell me the total amount in my band, but Erica always tells me.

After a +0.8 CC fill, I now have 6.6 CC in my band.  I'll see her again in 4 weeks.  This is great.

I feel like I'm starting over :)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Run-In with Robocop


Friday night was ladies night with some friends.
I'm so glad we were all dressed up and looking smokin' hot, because guess who I ran into?

Robocop.  But the title already told you that.
And I bet you can guess from my picture that he was with a woman.

I should mention that he was asking for another chance two weeks ago.
Luckily I'm very happy with my non-relationship and didn't fall into that again.

Anyway, seeing his date got me to thinking about some superficial things.
How he always told me if I lost too much weight he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore.  The woman he was with was chunky, maybe my current size.  It always bothered me that he said he only liked bigger women.  

Like what am I, just a size?
I am more than my size.  I am smart and funny, and I like to think I am pretty regardless of the extra weight I'm carrying around, and definitely not BECAUSE of it for sure.




Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling, and if I said what I really felt about Friday night, I'd be a jerk, so I'm just going to leave it with a few pictures from the night and let it go.

Downtown Raleigh

I also ran into two cousins! 
This was a much more welcomed meeting!






Thursday, October 3, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

1. The scale is not my friend today.
When the scale is not being my friend, I decide to post pictures of what losing 100 pounds looks like instead.
Here ya go!
Hope you're not offended that the recent photo is under garments instead of a bikini.
Same difference to me.

2.  I have had a really off week.
Mr. Banker and I had a "fight" on Tuesday.
I told him that his 'girlfriend' comment on Monday bothered me and he was very apologetic.
But I didn't let it go there.  That was a mistake.  After he apologized, I should've been done.  But I was in a mood and I didn't let it go there.  So we went 24 hours without really speaking, which is very strange.  I apologized for 'pushing' and he again apologized for offending me, and we're back to almost normal.

3.  I have a story for you about Mr. Banker and how we met.
Mr. Banker and I met online.
That isn't the fun part of this story though.
Two years ago, right after everything ended with the sociopath, I went through a series of serial dating.  It was pretty horrific actually.  I was going through men faster than water.  During that time, Mr. Banker responded to an online dating ad and I didn't even respond to him.  I thought he was too short, too young, too skinny, not what I was looking for.  In fact, Mr. Banker responded to me on at least 3 separate occasions and I never wrote back.
Fast forward, one year...
I get on a different dating site, and here is Mr. Banker again.  Still I didn't give him the time of day.
Another year later, April 2013 and he responds again.  And I'm just like, wow this guy is persistent so I decided to at least meet him.

I'm so glad I finally gave him a chance :)
I think people come into your life at the right time.  2 years ago, Mr. Banker and I wouldn't have had a chance at anything real, I wouldn't have been ready at that time.  I think we do now, so I'm glad I was being a superficial bitch way back when.
<3<3<3

It is a little sad and happy at the same time that it's taken 2 years to feel like myself again after the broken mess that my ex left.  But I honestly feel happy and more like myself around Mr. Banker than I have since all of that happened.

Not to mention, I love that he has been attracted to me at 344 pounds and now at 240something.

4.  I feel crappy today.
Like my whole body hurts.
I don't know what is wrong, but I'm not liking it.

5.  I may have lost my mind, but Vanessa  has given me the bug.
I talked to a friend yesterday who has registered!
She's super athletic and loves the national parks.
And by June, I better be at my goal weight, so this is doable!

6.  I got my Adjustment moved up to next Thursday.
Thank goodness.
It's 9:25am and I'm sitting at my desk eating my lunch (grilled chicken and squash).

7.  I better hurry up and get my act together befor I see my PA on Thursday.
I haven't seen her since February and I don't want to start out on a bad note now that she is back from maternity leave!

8.  You all inspire and encourage me so much!
Thank you!

9.  NSV!
I haven't worn a size 12 jeans since I was 14 years old.
Until yesterday :)
They were tight.
And after about 9 hours in them, I felt like my internal organs were screaming.
But I wore a fucking size 12!  YEAH!

10.  Can it be the freakin weekend yet?!
Ice cream is not on my to-do list though.


  

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

In Memory

October 1, 2002 my grandmother passed away from complications related to obesity at the age of 67.  She had diabetes, congestive heart failure, and I never remember her being able to walk.

I think of her often, and feel a little sad every year on the anniversary of her passing, but this year I felt extra sad. I can't figure out why this year was worse. Maybe I wish she could see my accomplishments now. Or maybe because I see dying from obesity as so avoidable with technology today.


My grandmother was the sweetest woman I have ever known.  She was kind and would do anything for anyone.  But she was very sensitive and easily got her feelings hurt.  I am often told that I am just like her.  I hope that's true.

I wish I could tell her that she inspired me to change my life.  That I am going to beat obesity because of how much I love her. 

The day I told my oldest sister that I was going to be banded, her first response was "Grandma Faye would be so proud of you."  


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Moody...

TMI... but... I haven't had a (.) in about 3.5 years....Thanks to my wonderful IUD.  But I swear I am mentally PMSing (it might explain my weekend ice cream extravaganza).

I am so moody and emotional.

The littlest thing hurts my feelings right now.

I almost told Mr. Banker I couldn't continue doing what we were doing last night.  Clearer heads prevailed, but I was really close to it.  It was over nothing and everything at the same time.

The fact is, I have some serious feelings for him.  And I'm just not sure it's reciprocated.  I do know he likes me, but I'm not sure if "like" is enough.

We got on the topic of birthdays, and how his memory sucks.  He asked my birthday to which I said I was surprised he didn't remember, because at the time he was the only one to pick up a phone and say "Happy Birthday" this year (my parents and friends I didn't see used texting or facebook instead...damn technology).  He said "I don't even remember my dad's birthday...it's some time in June.  If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't remember hers either."

Ouch.

Thanks for the reminder Mr. Banker.

And yes, I've already admitted I'm being overly sensitive.  I know that's a silly thing to get upset about.

But yeah, I got upset anyway.