Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Max Brutus


Disclaimer: most of the time when I talk about dating I give my dates a nick name for their privacy but Max doesn't deserve any anonymity. In fact, I hope everyone in his life come across this blog lol.
I suspect many of us have someone from our past we would like to flaunt our new health/good looks in front of. Maybe it's a sibling, a middle school bully, an ex...doesn't matter. Mine is an ex that I've talked about briefly before.
Tonight I almost did something reckless. I was looking through some old emails because I can't sleep and found some chat conversations from August 2012- a whole year after I accidentally met his wife one day...surprise on me.
I often imagine running into him at the super market or at the beach one day at my goal weight. He's still the person I wish I could share my best and worst moments with so it isn't terribly shocking I'd like to share this journey with him as well. I wish the desire for him to know my life would disappear....this year makes 2 years since I found out he was married and had a child.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to send him a photo. Likely a picture from my birthday. I even went and picked one out to send. But knowing how dumb that would be, I decided to blog about it instead. Even as I sit here writing this blog, I want to do it. The worst part is that I don't even know why.
What is the desired outcome? Or even the best possible outcome? The best would be that he didn't respond, but even that would hurt. I'm not even sure that writing this blog out knowing what a horrible idea it is is going to stop this decision.
Most days I'm not this emotionally broken over him anymore. I can even go a whole day sometimes without his memory finding it's way into my mind. The conversations I read tonight are just causing a flood of emotions I'd rather forget.
((October 30, 2010))
((Conversationg from May 2012))


  1. Oh honey, I feel for you! Seriously. Sometimes our minds are the last thing to fall out of love.
    I was engaged when I was 18 (I know, how dumb is that?!) to a guy who was emotionally abusive and really didn't like anything about me.
    When he broke up with me I thought my life would never get back on track. It took FIVE years, five freaking years before I could think his name and not feel anything. Not hate, love, longing, nothing. I even Crossfit with his now girlfriend and I just don't care, but the journey to get there was so long!
    You deserve someone who can love you with his whole heart and life and you aren't a secret too. You stay strong and keep focusing on you!
    The dating world is a bitch, that I can attest too!

  2. I can so relate! My ex-husband is now married to the woman he cheated on me with and for many years I pined for him even as I was so stinking mad. Looking back he and I weren't a good match at all. Even though I know I don't love him and it never would've worked, I can't wait to see him when I lose this weight. Lucky for me we live in different states so I can control when I see him and not just run into him... it is still a motivator after all these thirteen years.

  3. Good for you for blogging about it instead of just doing it...and here's hoping you didn't just do it anyway :)

  4. Thank you for all of your support. I haven't sent the email...yet. Hoping weakness will not find me until this feeling passes....

  5. Don't send a picture. Its like drunk dialing. Leave him in the past with the memories.

  6. Wow! I dated this same guy for over a year in 2009, ended it in 2010 after he was in a motorcycle accident. Sounds like he has major insecurities though because he used a lot of stories about his mom being sick and father being in the hospital and a best friend dying.

    1. I just saw this response... crazy... he had many of us.

    2. I dated Max as well ... Same story. Ended in his "terrible motorcycle accident" after which he went to Goldsboro, NC so his aunt and uncle could take care of him. (We met in Raleigh.) He even texted me multiple pictures of his body all torn up after the accident - maybe it wasn't even him in the pictures. Who knows! Anyway, he eventually disappeared.

    3. Sigh... same game over and over. I'm sorry he hurt so many...